Guess what my mood is today?
First let’s cover yesterday which lead to today’s “fuck the world” mood.
My plumbing is fucked up again. Went to do some laundry and next I know, I have nasty water coming up through the kitchen sink and water shooting out the back of my washer. YAY. It was fixed for four whole days. Impressive. NOT.
So after my dad picked up Spook for their weekend outing, I had to dig into a washer full of ice cold water and remove all the clothes into trash bags (btw, wet clothes way a fucking ton) and drag my laundry up to the shop to use R’s machines.
So at that point my mood was circling the drain.
Then R told me Kenny had gone to hook up with his ex gf (the one he rants trapped him into 18 years of child support by getting pregnant) and I was just like, “Ok, I care because…” Only to be informed all the nice things Kenny has done for me over the months has been HIS EFFORT TO GET INTO MY PANTS.
Are you fucking serious dude?Really? I am all but wearing a goddamn sign that says FUCK OFF AND DIE and you think trying to manipulate me with nice gestures to suit your own agenda is going to fare well for you?
Of course, I was oblivious because hey, all I’ve ever had are guy friends and as one told me, “You’re one of the guys, Niki.” So it just didn’t occur to me someone would disregard this in hopes of me being a raging nympho willing to put out for some fucking smokes. (Yet, it should have because it’s happened before.)
That HURT. I thought the guy was my friend. This is why I don’t have friends. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. People are evil fucking vile creatures.
Rather than be a typical woman and be flattered that a man would want to have sex with me, I am deeply offended because I am in my “I’ve gained 50 pounds of fat as armor to protect my emotions so no one will think I am attractive” phase. Which I go through after any failed relationship. It saddens me to know that not even looking like gothic Jabba the Hut has worked.
I tried to shrug it off. I tried sooo hard. But the mood just continued to descend. By the time they brought Spook home, I was tapped out and thinking bad thoughts. I played with her a bit, put her in jammas, tucked her in, then I took a Trazadone and I was down for the count.
I was due, though, since I hadn’t slept through a night in months. Not that Trazadone got that job done, I woke up at 4:30 but I was too depressed to get up and went back to sleep.
Now my head is hurting (Trazadone hangover) and I am still shaking off the bizarre dreams that are also side effects from Trazadone. I am feeling pretty down and hopeless.
And anxiety is running rampant at the prospect of seeing the sunshine spewer tomorrow.
I just can’t ever get it right. It makes me hate myself. I do not like hating myself. I have done some good in my life too. But it all seems to come back to the fact that I can never just get my shit together and no one wants to believe it’s the mental stuff that knocks me on my ass. It’s all a personality flaw, a character defect.
And thus begins to the self hatred cycle all over.