Seemingly tireless campaigner for abolition of human trafficking Ruth Jacobs presents another in her eye-opening series of interviews with survivors of sex trafficking. Stella Marr, who was trafficked in New York City for ten years, talks about her work. The link to her personal blog, ManhattanCallGirl, is at the bottom of the interview linked below. I had the honor of speaking with Stella a couple of days ago. She is a powerful and compassionate woman, dedicated to effecting change in the system that currently criminalizes trafficked women, while allowing the men who buy them to either get off free or get a slap on the hand. Please read Stella’s compelling interview, and while you’re at it, take a look through the many other interviews that Ruth has compiled during January, which is Human Trafficking Awareness Month.
via In the Booth with Ruth – Stella Marr, Sex Trafficking Survivor, Anti-Sex Trafficking Activist and Advocate, Executive Director and Founding Member of Sex Trafficking Survivors United (Survivors Connect).
And no, not that ghastly looking show on teevee. It’s more me mulling whether or not this is going to be the status quo; feeling semi-stable for more than a day or two at a go is still strange at best. I still don’t think that how I feel right now is going to last, because what evidence do I have to support that? If anything, I suspect that February will follow December in being a period of depression. If not forto counterbalance feeling semi-human right now, then I think it definitely will have to be down to make up for the fact that this month has been so hectic.
I guess I wish I could trust in my body and brain to be more even, because then I could probably talk myself into doing and trying more. Because I don’t have any real ‘defense’ against the mood swings and intrusive thoughts, I tend to engage in somewhat avoidant behavior to try and preserve what centralization I have of a moment. Not that I actually desire to go back to a time where I relied on drugs and alcohol to keep my brain so sodden that I didn’t care if I made it through the day in one piece, but sometimes it seems like it was the easier approach.
Anyways, back to nursing my head cold. Got to love kiddos for their plague-carrying abilities… not. *laughs*
Today was just a strange day for me mentally. I could not get the mental fog to clear and every single thing I did felt like a battled trudged uphill except the only thing I was fighting was my own mind. Paranoia and panic ran rampant. I could not focus, could not remember things ten seconds after told, did not want to make calls or answer phones because the panic attacks were running riot.
I still feel off kilter to the nth degree.
The added bonus is the ongoing random as fuck brain zaps from coming off Cymbalta.
Now that I am sans anything but Lamicatal and xanax…my brain is having a field day being a freak. I can’t reason with the distorted thoughts. It is telling me I am scared and thus panic kicks in, and I have no fucking clue what is going on. It’s like my brain has been injected with Novacaine, only instead of feeling good numb, I am stumbling clumsy numb, bumping into things, tripping over stuff, and struggling to find the right words to string into sentences that sound vaguely coherent.
After a couple of decent days…
This baffles me.
Throw in the depression which is telling me I serve no purpose and should just kill myself because it’s never going to get any better than this…And my sheer exhaustion and self disgust over so many fucking medications in the past 15 months that did not fucking work or gave me nightmare side effects…
This is not even my normal state of dysfunction, this is something new, something else, something much much worse than the usual.
I feel alien, even to myself.
And it is disconcerting beyond mere words.