Daily Archives: January 19, 2013

What’s That Smell?

*sniff sniff* what IS that? Oh! It smells like DE-FUCKING-PRESSION trying to creep in. NO!

Yesterday I was blah. Just kind of flat and unmotivated and sad but not sad. And the feeling is still here today. I didn’t go to a birthday party today with my daughter. My husband took her alone, and I feel horrible about it. But I feel like crap. Melancholy. Grey. Overcast. And it is even a beautiful sunny day, albeit cold…..

So, here is my problem. Is it my bipolar? Or is it one of my medications? I would say the Elavil because I have only been on that for a week, and I have been on the Cymbalta for over a month. OR… Is it a Fibromyalgia thing?

Why can’t I have just ONE problem? Why do I have to have several? That was a rhetorical question. I’m just bitching because I’m angry and disappointed that I am having a depressive episode after so long of being good! This fucking sucks.

A Rare(-ish) Free Day

We have a day free of our lovely daughter — hooray! She’s a good kid, but I think most parents would agree that having some time to themselves is essential to sanity. In our case though, I’d say this is most essential to my husband — he’s the one that carries the weight of the family on his shoulders (where as, we all know, I already have a day every week to myself to ensure I can keep myself in good knick. And of course, this comes at the end of a very trying week for us all, so all the better for the timing goodness.

I can’t think of anything else in particular to add at this moment… so I won’t. Suffices to say that I’m grateful to be back to a place of semi-stability. I still don’t trust it to last, but yanno… that’s just life with bipolar. :)


the sting of rejection – or lithium withdrawal

i have successfully compelled psychiatrist numero tres to let me eliminate lithium from my daily regimen.  i went down to 300 mg in december-ish and stopped taking that this past tuesday.

i have noticed what appears to be a downswing in my mood corresponding with these time periods.  in december, i kept an eye on it but also kept in mind that i was dealing with far too much stress and work to distinguish between depressive-symptoms-due-to-work versus depressive-symptoms-due-to-less-lithium.  regardless of what the case may have been, my mood bounced back in full force once winter session started and i had a moderate breather.

now i am also experiencing depressive symptoms, and since the lithium is expected to be out of my system completely by saturday, its depleted levels may be taking a toll.  alternatively, my mood may be the combination of a very long, very productive, but very busy week, plus the sting of rejection from the aforementioned “soul mate” a few posts ago.

i have to admit, i was pretty excited at the prospect of dating this person.  we seemed to have a lot in common (enough to sustain several hours long conversations, anyway), i thought he was attractive, smart, etc.  things seemed to be going well until i dropped him off last thursday and i had this sinking feeling that he wouldn’t be asking me out again.

backing up.  the week we started talking, we spent two hours texting, followed by two and a half hours on the phone.  that was followed up by intermittent texting during the week.  saturday rolled around and i went out with some friends.  i admit, the second place we went was influenced by an eensy weensie suspicion that eharmony-guy might show up there.  incidentally, i was right.

i was playing air hockey and i saw him come in the door out of the corner of my eye.  i didn’t dare look directly, but i just knew it was him.  my adrenaline soared.  i played it cool for a while, but when i walked by him i noticed he was kind of staring at me so i smiled and kept going.  under no circumstances was i going to approach him; that’s against “the rules”.

this happened several times.  when i was on the dance floor with my friends, i noticed him off to the side, looking at me.  he was “on his phone” but who the hell talks on their phone next to the dance floor?  yeah right.

he finally came and stood right in front of my friends and i, and took a couple of drags off of his electronic cigarette. once that happened i was 100% sure it was him.  he was just standing there alone but i still wasn’t about to go up to him (besides the rules, i was so unbelievably giddy that i would have made an ass out of myself anyway).  his friend came out of no where and whisked him out of the bar.

my friends suggested the next bar, so i don’t have to take responsibility for the fact that he was also there, too.  again, when i looked at him, he was kind of staring at me so i smiled and kept going.  sadly, he never approached me in person.

but…around 1am he texted “was that you?” and we had a little back-and-forth about why one didn’t approach the other.  i was drunk and i probably texted too much, but it didn’t stop him from calling me the next day.  we got on the phone for another whole hour, after which he interrupted me to ask if i was hungry and wanted to go to lunch.

forgetting any “rules” ever existed in the history of mankind, i agreed to go on a spontaneous lunch date.  it went really well.  i knew he was still interested because he texted me later that night “about a video game” we both played.  we then moved on to e-cigarettes, and he called me to give me the deets on how to get one (they are quite good!).  he also offered to go with me after he got off work to get the liquid you put in the e-cigarette.

monday, he added me to facebook.  i’m not even going to go in to the degree of facebook stalking i did, but let me just say it was shameful.  i did, however, discover that eharmony-guy is a poet, and writes some really racy stuff.  the first time i read one of his poems, i literally froze in space for like 20 minutes, followed by an hour of pacing and trying to get myself back to work.  i failed, and said poem became my fantasy du jour for a few days.

we got together on thursday to head to the e-cig shop.  it was fine, although i noticed he was a bit distant-ish.  i was extremely nervous though, and i think it showed.  i left most of the direction of the conversation to him and he asked how my day was twice, showed me around the shop, but really the conversation was pretty minimal.  i dropped him off, thanked him for coming with me, and he told me to let him know if i had any questions about the e-cig and associated accoutrements.

since then: radio silence.  i’ve had to keep myself jam-packed and still i’ve felt like pulling my hair out, hoping he’d ask me out this weekend.  i was good and followed the (goddamn) rules.  by yesterday i had begun to accept the possibility that “he’s just not that into me” when my friend and fellow rules conspirator confessed she’d broken down and texted her guy.

it never fails…whenever a comrade-in-crime gives in a little, all of my resolve goes out the window too.  i gave in and “liked” his profile picture, which was taken the night we “met” but didn’t actually meet.  in fairness, i exploited the fact that he had recently posted a status update so it could appear as if “i saw it for the first time” on my newsfeed.

speculation abounds as to why i’ve been rejected.  i’ve got a couple of reasonable hypotheses, all while bearing in mind that i really have no answer at all, nor will i ever.  some possibilities include that i was way too nervous to be sexually attractive.  i have a pretty strong sexual presence, but if i’m nervous, forget it.  it also could have been something about my facebook page. in particular, i suspect it may have been the old album of pictures of my ex and his family.  he did mention the “short” lapse between the end of that relationship and signing on to a serious dating website the first time we talked.

whatever it was, it really doesn’t matter because the outcome is the same.  i’m processing rejection from a dating prospect for the first time in a long time.  it’s disappointing and frustrating and aggravating and i keep wanting to scream, hello, i’m awesome and we should go on a freaking date!  (and then make out while you read your poetry to me)

it turns out that anything resembling psychotic behavior (such as that which i’ve already displayed here) is definitely against the rules, so my inclinations are definitely out of the picture.  i’ve coped so far by filling my days to the brim, getting to the gym every day, talking to friends, family, and getting more work done than i have in months, but i found myself sitting here this friday evening just feeling kind of down despite the massively successful week i’ve had otherwise.

(although to be fair, it has waned a bit since i’ve gotten this off my chest)

so thank you bipolar-blog-diary-dealie.  if it weren’t for you, i’d be an awfully scary human being.