I have been doing fairly well. No episodes. No paranoia. Anxiety is practically nil; I can actually talk myself out of my anxiety at this point. So, it makes me wonder WHY is this? Did all of the meds I was taking actually contribute to all of those feelings? But then I stop myself from thinking those things, because then I start thinking like a paranoid conspiracy theorist.
I do find that while I am at church, my bipolar mind wanders. I can only assume that it is because there is quiet there, and I have never been one to be able to keep myself entertained by having long conversations with myself.
I go in 30 minutes before mass because I love the serenity. This also gives me time to get situated, because while I may be doing better, my OCD tendencies are becoming out of control. And then during mass, my mind starts to wander, and think of disgusting and preverse things. And it makes me so angry! And then I have a dialogue with myself, telling myself to shut up and stop thinking things like that (And I think of things like “I wonder of he is a pervert, if he has ever touched himself, if he has ever had sex or had impure thoughts…”) Things I SHOULD NOT be thinking about. Yet my mind wanders there, and it makes me mad and ashamed. And then I tell myself I must be possessed and the devil needs to leave me. And then I tell myself that I sound like a crazy person. And then I tell myself I must not be getting as better as I thought.
