Daily Archives: January 4, 2013


My body is doing weird things today, which is only good insomuch that my brain is very distracted and bemused by it. Go home body, you are drunk (‘cept not, ’cause I don’t drink).

Past that, I’m too leaden to really care about much of anything. I’m just… exhausted. No idea why, other than self-spite (lulz). I’m hoping it won’t complicate having to deal with people tonight, but I guess we shall see. I know that I tend to psych myself out when it comes to leaving the house and doing things, but I think most people would if their brain started screaming paranoid things at them. It’s definitely part of why I used to drink heavily; it drownededed out the worst of it.

I guess that’s about it today… there’s really not much on the mind. And as we know feeling decent-to-good tends to not provide a lot of material to write about, ha ha.


Dysfunctional Attitudes R Us

Recent events conspired to point out to me with unavoidable clarity that I am a perfectionist, so I’m working on …

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Up,and down and all around

Yesterday,I was manic. The common question is “what are you on?”

Manic episodes are a bit like being drugged up. Only all natural.

My concentration and focus were LESS THAN ZERO. I was just…off into the stratosphere, talking rapidly, about nothing, finding myself irritating. Can only imagine how I must have grated uponst R’d nerves.

Then when I got home, I became jumpy and paranoid and realized..I hadn’t had a xanax in 19 hours. Not a good idea but proof that I do not abuse the stuff. I take it when I need it. I needed it because I started thinking the mailman was going to be bringing me bad news. Like it’s his fault for the mail I get.

I’m mental.

Now today…I am peeling the cobwebs off my brain, a little down, but I took my meds so I should be lifting off soon.

I still don’t want to take a shower. It’s such a hassle. I hate showering when it’s cold. I need one, though. My grooming has been rather lax this week. One look at my gray roots proves that much. Really need to use the dye I have. Just lazy and unmotivated.

That’s one of the most frustrating things about bipolar. When you’re up, you are flying high.

When you come down, you are lower than low.

Up,down, and all around. Especially with cyclothymia. My episodes don’t last for days or weeks. This is a daily thing.

I don’t know if the Cymbalta is canceling out the Lamicatal or what,I should not be rapid cycling like this.

Have to address it with the shrink. I have an appointment here soon. I am bad at dates, though, will have wait for the reminder call the day before.

Blah.  I still need that shower.

I still am not moving.

My 3 year old just said “You’re a bitch.”

I don’t use that word a lot. If she copied me, it would likely be “fuck.” I own that one, I say it a lot. I am a bad mom.

I think she’s learning most of this at my mom’s house. My mom is probably telling her what a bitch I am. Yes, my mom thinks I am a bitch and says so. Feeling is mutual.

Onto the next mood shift.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

Mass Murder and Psychiatry – Psychiatric Times

Mass Murder and Psychiatry – Psychiatric Times

I read this article three times over, and I’m still reeling from what I think it said.

I think this article said that:

1)  People with psychiatric illnesses should be considered at risk for committing mass murders should they chance to get their hands on automatic weapons, and know how to use them;

2)  People with psychiatric disorders don’t really have disorders, but diseases;

3) People with “psychiatric diseases” are potentially vessels of evil, as the author experienced in the prison population.

I think this article itself is a vessel of evil.  Please correct me if this is just me being my usual paranoid self.  I admit to being particularly paranoid since the latest mass killing was attributed to a person on the Spectrum.  As a person on the Spectrum myself, this type of finger-pointing that stigmatizes all of us makes me want to hide even more than I customarily do.  I don’t know how that would be possible, since I only go out in public once a week, for my therapy session; but there you go.

Please help me out, Dear Readers.  Am I just being hyper-paranoid here, or has this guy really stamped the Mark of Cain on the forehead of everyone already branded with a DSM diagnosis?  Help me out here.

Mass Murder and Psychiatry – Psychiatric Times