Today continues the same old same old blech-esque grind. I’ve got exactly two things that I want to get done today, and I’ll consider it a very good day indeed if they both get done. Of course, that requires finding an iota of motivation…
Nope, ha ha. Still, one thing can be said for today — I guess I physically feel less depressed? It’s probably more that I’m getting used to being down so it doesn’t seem so severe, which means it will find a way to come around and bite me on the ass. It doesn’t help that I am stymied in regard to options I can do past what I’m already doing to fight back. I’m not about to cut out refined sugars and sodas because that is my one remaining vice after cutting out drugs, booze, smoking, sleeping around, and surely some other destructive behaviors that I can’t even remember at this point. I’m sure there are probably people out there who just roll their eyes and wonder why I won’t take the final step in ‘getting healthy’, but sod ‘em, ha ha. We’re all allowed a little vice in our lives, else what is the point of living?
Having said that, it’s obvious that one should be mindful of their vice, especially as ties to depression. I’ve been slightly alarmed lately that I’m developing depressive eating habits; I want to stuff my face with junk. This has never been an issue in the past, and I can only guess that it’s rising as a possible problem because I’ve cut off all the other things. It definitely encourages me to plan self-advocacy to get more help for the depressive phases that make up most of the time of existing with Bipolar II, ’cause that’s just not on. I savvy it’s a control thing, and probably definitely related to my desire to take smoking back up. Too bad e-cigs don’t scratch that itch right at all.
Anyways, all isn’t lost, because I have awareness. And awareness means that I can try to apply my super-power of self-control to avoid doing any real self-harm. I can always remind myself of that — I have made it most of the way to this point on my own steam, for better or worse. I know it’s harder now when it should be easier because I’m forced to be aware of just where I am and what little resources I actually have at my beck and call, but I shouldn’t let that get me down.
Off to try to get one of the two things on my list done. Hope everyone is having a decent day.