Daily Archives: December 28, 2012

Down in the Bottom Of a…

I’m depressed; there’s no way around it. I don’t know how depressed I am or how much worse it might get, but the fact of the matter is that I am in a depressed state and have been for a few weeks now.

I was talking to one of my dear friends on the back of yesterday’s post, when she pointed out that my medicine is probably not doing the job based on how much depression I’m still dealing with. And maybe she has a point, but I can’t fully agree quite yet. I don’t know what my baseline is. I don’t know what my bottom line is — I have only had this past year medicated in which to determine where the lines might be. I think the bottoms are higher than they used to be, if only for the fact I don’t feel the need as strongly to dive down a bottle, or across a spliff. But that could also be a product of being able to apply more of my self-control in that regard; I know I’d still like to drink and do drugs on one level, but the dearth of benefits are much clearer from this vantage. I know that many choose to self-medicate because I have done it in my past, and because of that, I choose to not behave in a sanctimonious manner to those who do still. We have to do what we can do to get by, and it’s definitely not a pretty stretch of choices for the oh-so-fun invisible mental illnesses.

I still want to smoke though… I’m not sure that desire will ever go away. It was the ultimate spot fix. Thankfully, it costs too much here to be a real temptation.

She had a point regardless, though — I do need to relate to my doctor that my bottom line needs more support. While the day-to-day fluctuations are managed to a point that I can keep myself mainly afloat, it’s not managed if I’m still dealing with lots of depression. I admit that I’m a bit nervous about the ‘promotion’ to cocktail though… I don’t think anyone with any sort of illness wakes up thinking, “Hooray, today I will add another wiggling jiggling bit of uncertainty to my pile!” But it’s worth it if it helps me continue to improve my quality of life. If it will work. I just… uncertainty isn’t fun, but neither are my brain’s bag of dirty tricks.


Perpetual state of cognitive dissonance

“Cognitive dissonance”. It was on a game show the other day, and I got the answer to the question right, then realized…I absolutely had zero clue what the term means.

So I went searching on the intertubes.

Which didn’t help much, technical mumbo jumbo sticks to my teflon brain like numbers.

I finally found a site that dumbed it down for me. Basically, it’s holding one set of beliefs but finding yourself in a situation that is at odds with your beliefs.

Example: Woman values financial security.

Woman is in a relationship with someone who is financially irresponsible. This creates a state of cognitive dissonance.

That’s when it hit me like a race car careen off the track into a brick wall.


My mood disorder.

Today for example.

I don’t really feel like going out into the petri dish. I just feel off. My nerves are shaky, my mood is gray, and there’s really nothing he needs me to do at the shop other than keep him company, and I am honestly getting bored with that. I know when I in this mind frame, it usually benefits me to take a step back and give myself some space. Or I am likely to tell him exactly how I feel about him expecting me to be there five days a week for no money when he has nothing for me to really work on.

But I also am compelled by the expectations of others to do what they expect or need me to do. He paid for and put a new radiator in my car. I owe him. Therefore I am beholden to do as he expects while feeling like I am betraying myself.

Cognitive dissonance.

Oh, I am sure someone will find some psychological mumbo jumbo to dispute my likening here, but for all intents and purposes in my mind,  I AM WALKING, TALKING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

And it certainly explains my mass confusion and sensation that I am constantly being choked. It’s hard to breathe when you’re not only at war with your own brain chemicals, but with your own beliefs and emotions as well.

It is suggested that to solve cognitive dissonance you must either eliminate the problem entirely or learn to alter your own beliefs so that their is no dissonance.

I’m not a black or white kind of person.

I am definitely all about the shades of gray.

So being told I can’t have a happy medium solution just makes me more frustrated.

Here’s a thought: What if R were to suck it up and only have me come into the shop when he actually has work to do?

He’s the one who has the fucking problem here.It’s not my fault he doesn’t want to be alone or answer his own phone.  I have talked and talked to him about it, all to no avail.

So because he won’t change, I must.

That seems fair.


I am one of the most assertive stubborn people on the planet, but because of all my past flakiness and failures I find myself wavering and leaning more toward doing what is expected of me these days. I want to say NO.

But I feel indebted and no comes out as “oh, I will be there if I must.”

Then I spend the day unhappy and feeling like I stabbed myself in the back because I’m not being true to who I am,  I am just keeping the peace.

fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate when people help me. Feeling indebted to someone is about the same as having a pillow mashed over my face. My free will is taken away because I owe them.I am not without gratitude, and I don’t mind working to pay him back, but unless there is actual work for me to do,it’s stupid for me to be away from my kid and feel so out of sorts with myself. But I OWE HIM.

Which is living hell for someone as independent as me. I may not be well off, but I usually manage to eek by. Being placed in a situation where more money is needed than I have and someone has to swoop down and rescue me…


Now I am trapped.