I think my brain just may be suffering from a form of obsessive compulsive disorder.
While my actions are too scatterbrained to ever be obsessive compulsive, my thoughts are another story.
Today, still, I keep replaying the scene with my mother last night, her and Betty commenting on The Donor getting a better full time job, and even my dad and his woman said it was very rude and improper the way my mother said it and when she said it, so it’s not just me having thin skin. That woman aimed to wound.
And while I’d still have to have an iota of emotion for the man to be wounded by mention of him, and I don’t…What I do have now is a super abundance of OCD thinking and paranoia that my own mother just might be colluding with the enemy here. (And considering she sided my with first husband in our divorce, before he, you know, stole her money t buy drugs as I said he was doing, this isn’t unfounded paranoia.) And Betty, my supposed friend, still going to the store where The Donor works even though there are six others right in a row beside it, and talking to him, as if they are friends, when he hated her and called her horseface and made fun of her…
Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.
I have trust issues. I now have major trust issues,
And paranoid ocd brain is telling me that I need to start avoiding Betty like the plague, because if she were my friend and truly cared about Spook, she wouldn’t be chitchatting with the man who refuses to give his a kid even his fucking time, she’d be appalled by his behavior.
Or is that just me and I am being unfair and hypersensitive?
I realize I can’t pick other’s friends. But, honestly, after R and I broke up, my dad still had something to do with him and it didn’t bother me because R is a good guy.
The Donor, on the other hand, is the devil. And I have tried soooo hard to refrain from name calling, but in the interest of being honest with myself and in this blog, I truly believe he is a product of evil. Not like, occult evil, but like human nature evil, the lowest of the low, completely delusional and without conscience. THAT is true evil to me. I sensed it all along and ignored it, telling myself I was untrusting and paranoid and it was me with the problem. Of course, he reinforced this 6000% to the point I no longer believed I had a genuine thought, everything was my bad personality. My gut knew.
I will not ignore that gut instinct again.
My gut is telling me now that people I have trusted are not to be trusted for obvious reasons. Because to side with someone who is such a horrid being, even on a superficial level rather than say ‘PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND CALL YOUR KID INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT YOUR NEW JOB, YOU LOSER.”…I just don’t think I want to be friends with someone who can ignore that kind of character flaw. I can forgive mistakes but this is the third kid he’s abandoned, so this is not a fuck up, this is his pattern of behavior. Am I the only person who has the balls to call a spade a spade and tell him he’s wrong? Must everyone else keep buying his poor mistreated downtrodden good man act because he’s just so good at putting it on?
I don’t want to care.
I want to hear his name mentioned and feel nothing.
And as far as our relationship goes, I do.
But considering the bond of a child that legally dictates he can pop in and out of our lives for the next 15 years however he pleases…That makes me see fucking ten shades of red.
Why do I let it bother me? Why do I let it bother me? Why do I let it bother me?
Because I can forgive many many things. Rejecting your own flesh and blood is just not one of those things.
That to me is beyond forgiveness, and it it makes me a lesser person, so be it. It’s how I feel. If a fucking nutcase like me can pull her shit together and take care of a child she chose to bring into the world, then someone of his ilk, according to him, you know being so highly intelligent and educated and hard working and responsible, should have no problem manning up.
You’re a fucking idiot, Niki, idiot, idiot, dumb bitch, this is exactly what your mother wanted, she wanted to rattle you and make you feel shitty just as she always and as always, you let her do it, because you are pathetic and weak and it’s not even like you care that much, you just can’t make your brain shut the hell up about it.
My gut tells me to gird my psychological loins.
I cannot fathom why The Donor would chit chat about a new job to a woman known to be associated with me, who he never liked, just passing time. Friendly the man is not unless he’s putting on an act,
Paranoid brain tells me this is some sort of lure, like, “look, I’m going to work full time hours again, let’s see if Betty will run back and tell the evil wife and see if she will come after me for support now.”
Sounds asinine and ludicrous, right?
I would agree, had I not spent three years being victim to exactly that sort of mind game that he played. (Hell, he used to move shit around on me and then say he didn’t do, then he’d laugh at me when I started freaking out…he called it his sense of humor but I think he’s just cruel and scheming.)
I told the sunshine spewer about the paranoid distorted thinking. She says I’m fine because I recognize that I am being paranoid and my thoughts are distorted.
Um…That’s not a solution, that’s a fucking rationalization.
How about I don’t have these thoughts in the first place? That would be wondermous.
So apparently even though I am having these thoughts, I am aware of it so I am not crazy.
Just suffering from mental obsessive compulsive disorder where I have to spend 16 straight hours on the same line of thought, letting it twist my stomach into burning stress knots while my heartbeats rapidly and I feel myself crumbling a little because I had finally started letting my guard down a little and allowing myself to sort of have friends…
And honestly, what did she do wrong? My mother was the venom spewer.
What did either of them do wrong, except show bad taste in timing and manner of execution?
What’s my fucking problem?
What it boils down to is, I have no need to know what The Donor has going on in his life or what he does or says. I have made this abundantly clear to everyone, point blank saying, “Why can’t you stupid fucking people get it through your head that I don’t want to hear anything about (the donor) unless he’s dead!”
Crude, but concise.
Yet these people just keep doing it, again and again and again.
It’s done. My life has moved on. My life is my kid.
Being subjected to talk about him brings nothing positive to our lives.
So what is the point?
And why won’t people respect me enough to just not say anything in front of me?If you want to obsess about him behind my back, go for it. Just shut up about it around me and my kid.
I don’t know why I let my mother have this much power over me. It doesn’t seem like power because I have always done what I wanted, gone against the grain. And that”s part of why she has always been so harsh on me, I broke free and became independent and strong. I don’t let her opinions sway mine or change my behavior.
So why am I letting a four second snotty dig tossed out in my presence kick my ass for almost eighteen hours now?
If you can tell me, I’d love to know.