Daily Archives: December 23, 2012
Ohhh I can feel it! The excitement, the anticipation… Tomorrow night is the big night for children everywhere. Tomorrow night , they will do whatever their families do on Christmas Eve, get together with friends, go to church, could be a whole number of activities. Then, when it’s time for them to go to bed, … Continue reading
Part of me today and yesterday feels wonderful enough to exist. I’m enjoying the things I’m doing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy. Then there’s this other part of me that is so swamped with anxiety that I desperately want to hide away from the world. I’m taking advantage of my recently developed ability to hide things without reading them, or route them to the trash before I can see them, etc. It’s so annoying; generic emails and messages shouldn’t trigger anxiety that bad. Just because I might have to have a slightly disagreeable opinion, or say, advocate for myself… thanks brain, you’re a fantastic sabotage machine.
But hey, I’m going to do my best to kick back and enjoy my holidays. I am also going to think on whether or not I’m becoming too reliant on avoidant behavior; it’s really hard to tell due to me actually being able to engage in it is such a freaking recent development. I already know that the things that trigger anxiety aren’t things that I can train away, else I’d've had a handle on that a long-ass time ago. But it’s also a Catch-22; I’m taking care of myself, but I’m also encouraging myself to avoid things. There’s no winning, really. And dwelling on that, well… you can probably guess that doesn’t exactly lift one upon high.
Blech, anyways. I should find something resembling lunch, and then return to my crochet labours.
No, I don’t have hamsters.
I am referring to mind, which is swimming and circling and riddled with rapid fire disconnected thoughts brought on by the stress of the last few weeks and the major anxiety producing past three days. I will prattle about it another time.
Right now, it’s nearly 11:30 pm and I have had a very long day and I am very tired.My kid will be up in about six and a half hours.
No big deal, right? Plenty of sleep.
I would agree, except I am not one of those lucky people who drift off in two minutes.
My mind has to start it’s major churning cycle as it nears bedtime. Put me into bed and it goes into hyperdrive. I have tried counting backwards, visualizing stop signs, deep breathing, a nature sounds machine. Three and a half hours later, I am still wide awake and fretting left and right about all this helliday shit.
It is very much like having pet hamsters who only get on the squeaky wheel at night when all you want is quiet so you can go to sleep. Only my mental hamsters are hopped up on meth and red bull and running amok like a crowd fleeing a theater after someone yells “fire”.
This anxiety brings on panic.
Panic brings on the rapid heartbeat, which is deafening and not conducive to falling into a peaceful sleep.
I said fuck it and for the first time in a month, allowed myself 25 mg of Trazadone.
That may kick in by 1 am.
Then I will be wakened at rooster o clock by my bundle of joy and energy, and I will be in a Trazzy-d hangover state with gauze wrapped around my brain for three hours after waking.
Which will pretty much guarantee my mood will be shit the entire day.
I can cope with lack of sleep.
Helliday stress and the mental hamsters on their wheel…
My coping skills are seriously lacking.