Anyone else ever felt that way, like you’re ambulatory and doing what must be done, but you’re just sleepwalking through most of it?
Maybe it’s just me.
Everyone comments on how great I am doing in light of, ya know, the husband walking out on me and his kid, and me, a lowly mental case who can’t even hold a job, managing to take care of a kid by herself.
On one hand, I should be proud of myself.
On the other, these people have no fucking clue what my life is like. There’s the outside, and then there’s the inside.
Outwardly, I am functional and plowing through what I have to do.
Inwardly, I am silent but screaming at the top of my lungs.
Exhaustion, frustration, disgust. STRESS.
I am managing because I was not left a choice by…well, you know, the donor. If I don’t manage, no matter the cost to my mental state, someone all wise and knowing could come in and take my kid from me.
So yes, I am doing great as far as what is required of me.
I am not, however, managing so well personally.
Because at the end of the day, after the child goes to sleep and my mommy duties are lightened…I am left with my demons, the neverending panic and mood swings and depressions and no clue how to juggle everything without eventually getting crushed under it. I have no time to read or write or do fun things. No energy. I give everything I have to everyone else every day. What’s left for me is…Crawling into bed.
I was watching a show the other day and the woman was saying after all was said and done with husband and job and kids…she was like a loaf of bread, there was nothing left but two stale heels and no one wants those.
That is precisely how I feel sometimes.
Unless my mood shifts upward, then I am ten feet tall and bulletproof for all of about 2.5 hours.
Back to reality…and the sad realization, that I AM HAPPIER BY MYSELF.
I want it to not be true. I cannot let myself give up on the true love and other fairytales things just because a few relationships didn’;t work out. Maybe it was them, maybe it was me, maybe it was the combination…But it does not detract from me being a worthwhile human being with good qualities to cancel out the bad.
Thanks to this last debacle with the Donor…I just have no interest at this time in pondering a future with anyone but myself and my kid. I am positively scarred and devoid of desire and interest in pursuing that whole thing. I know it’s only been 15 months, give it some time, blah blah blah…
But it scares me when I look back at how relationships negatively impact my mental stability yet on my own, I can manage long periods of functionality.
In a relationship, I crash and burn ten times faster.
Because I can’t handle a dual influx of emotions.
That is my shortcoming.
But also, I keep finding people who no matter how much I warn them, don’t believe a mood disorder is that serious. So when things turn for the worst, they run for the hills. Time after fucking time it has happened.
I’m sick of it. I can’t get rid of this mental shit or I would in a heartbeat.
But then again, is it the struggling with this stuff that makes me who I am? Would I be less compassionate and empathetic if I did not do battle with my demons every day?
Much like being taunted in school, I do believe,to a degree, that the past is a fingerprint on the future.
I am empathetic to bullied kids because I was one.
I am empathetic to people who have mental issues because I have my own.
I am empathetic to people who have disabilities or don’t fit the society norm of appearance because that is me, as well.
As much as I hate all of that which has hindered me to the point of sleepwalking through life and essentially slamming the door on a chance of normalcy in the future…I can’t say I would want to change it. It happened for a reason.
I just don’t know what that reason is.
Maybe one day, I will find out.
For that reason-for the change that the way I feel now will not be the way I feel forever-I will keep sleepwalking through life and look forward to the day I wake up.