Daily Archives: December 15, 2012
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas dum de dum da dee…. diddle e bum day da dee de do … Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there, I was just ..um you know humming along while I look for gifts. I usually end up humming because when I sing outright – people look at … Continue reading
This was an odd week for DBT; one of the group leaders was absent, so we only had the secondary …
I don’t feel depressed, mind you, but my brain made it clear that we’re moving that way by dint of dreaming. As I’ve mentioned before (I think), my brain tends to get focused on squishy affections and dream-based make-outs based around one of my friends from high school. While it’s all euphoric and sweet and enjoyable, it’s always a clear sign that my brain is trying to stab me in the back. I’m not one of those people who is in a relationship and thinks of others; while there is nothing wrong with that or polyamory (which I am very supportive of for those who are mature enough to make it work), they’re not for me. So I will have to continue being wary and careful, because to do otherwise is to almost invite disaster upon my head. So here’s my reminder to me – think thrice before you speak or type!
And on the subject of not feeling depressed, I’m having a ‘busy’ morning for me. I bathed (always a challenge in the face of constant depression), I went downstairs to turn in and collect my prescription, and I bought myself chunky yarn to make myself a new hat. I’ve already done a bit of crochet this morning, and should shortly finish off a hat for a Christmas gift (I’m making a matched set for my mother-in-law and daughter, ’cause that’s cheesetastically affectionate). I’m also continuing to hope that I’ll make more progress on finishing off my NaNoWriMo story; I’ve written a couple of hundred of words this week, but that’s obviously nothing on the thousands written last month. There’s really not super duper loads to finish, so my complete lack of motivation is slightly annoying. Having said that, I’m still amazed that I won; even knowing I was only trying because I had the feeling I’d have the spoons to pull it off, it’s still sort of a oO-esque looking back for me.
Past that, I shall refrain from commenting on current public events. I think everyone understands that my stance is for significant improvements in mental health care and education, but that is tied to all things, not just happenings in the world that once again have people deciding all murderers are crazy, and all crazies are probably murderers. Plus yanno, evincing any sort of opinion past that in this volatile time is likely to be just the catalyst to trigger a severe depressive episode, so… yeah. *laughs*
Maybe there is something wrong with me? Trust me when I say, I feel a deep pain. All of those people, both children and adults that are gone forever because of one person. All of those parents that lost a child, or God forbid, children yesterday. It makes me so sad that you can’t even feel safe in a school anymore.
I watched a bit of the coverage yesterday. And I have to say, my immediate thought was “This guy had mommy issues”, “He didn’t want his mommy to give anyone else his love.” Much like a stalker I suppose. And maybe my first thought went there, because I was stalked once. I felt sorry for him. I truly felt sorry for him, because I get that pain he felt. The confusion. The anger. I get it. And I feel sorry for him that he felt this was the only way to deal with his pain. I’m sure he felt alone, and in a deep dark hole, and felt this was the only way to get out.
And I question myself. WHY do I feel sorry for him? Am I that fucked in the head that I can relate to someone to that degree? Or am I that compassionate? I mean, I have no idea.
Everyone is mad at the guy. And yes, I am too! As a parent, I don’t understand WHY he did what he did. But as a person with a mental illness, I totally get it. I totally get why he went there. And then I go back to “How can you even relate to someone THAT fucked up?!?!”
And I want to tell all these people that are mad at this guy, that he couldn’t help it, in a round about way. It was reported that he had a personality disorder. People have no sympathy for this guy. And I really understand that. But they also need to think about, how someone with a mental illness lives. Because you can’t SEE anything wrong with us, that doesn’t mean we are ok. We need help and understanding. This guy apparently didn’t get any or enough.
Everyone says if we had stricter control over guns, that this wouldn’t have happened. I’m more inclined to believe that if we as a society had a better understanding of mental illness, a lot of these tragedies would never happen to begin with.
And that is my 2 cents…