Daily Archives: December 4, 2012

I did a bad thing.

I went 18 hours without a Xanax.

Now I am in major freak out panic/paranoid mode.

Our medical card hasn’t arrived yet.

What does that mean? Has something happened to make us ineligible and the redtape hasn’t gotten around to informing met yet?

I didn’t get a new Medicare enrollment package, what does that mean? I got my prescription plan info,so…

Has the evil estranged ex done something to interfere? I can’t imagine what, but I’d put nothing past him. Hiding the mail would not be unthinkable for him,to get back at me for not going along with the do it yourself divorce.

Panic panic panic

Paranoia paranoia paranoia

Of course my kid thinks now is the perfect time to start whining and howling for mommy.

My mind just keeps spinning round and round, my heart has been pounding like a damn jackhammer all day. Part of this is Cymbalta, it makes me panic, and it’s been almost a week, so I’m wondering if this side effect is going to go away or not. If not, this is one sucky treatment for panic disorder.

Oh god oh god.

The walls are closing in.

I can’t breathe.

What’s coming next?

I got a different car today. Did I fuck up the paperwork transferring everything?

What if I get a ticket for some unknown infraction at the time of the accident, like breathing in a no breathing zone?

ohgodohgod.

My mood improves slightly.

The anxiety and paranoia go off the flipping charts.

(why won’t my kid stop howling at me????)

(this is not helping and I know, grow up, kid first, blah blah, but panic attacks have no respect for the order of things.)

Panic attacks are illogical but based on logic. Fearing your whole world is coming down around you is a logical fear.

Paralyzing fear that in spite of trying so hard to do everything right, you somehow fucked up.

terror

panic

wait for xanax to kick in.

can’t believe the number of people who say it makes them sleepy.

once it kicks in, i will be wide awake and remember how to breathe and think clearly.

And she wants to take this lifesaver away from me?

Nutsy koo-koo.

I may as well have just run into a machete wielding guy in a hockey mask,for the level of fear I am feeling now.

cannot yank

out

clumps

of hair.

The screaming won’t stop.

make it stop.
make it all stop.

oh god.

i hate this so much. Thirty bloody years of it is enough, why won’t it just go away?

FIX ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Yet they say panic attacks and paranoia are no big deal.

LIE.

It’s always like this when I go to see a doctor who isn’t a shrink. I tell them my symptoms, and then it goes one of two ways:

Way #1 She listens to me carefully and proposes a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

Way #2 She eyes me suspiciously, wants to know how much opiate medicine I am taking, and hands me my chart back marked “irritable bowel syndrome,” which I do not have.

Let’s play a little game: which one of these doctors had access to my psych history?

Aha, I see you have guessed right.

So tomorrow when I go to see my gastro about a little issue I’ve been struggling with, I will most definitely NOT hip her to the fact that the rest of me is stuck in a heavy depression that just doesn’t want to get off of me. Kind of like “The Blob” in the old horror movie,

Nope, I am not going to tell her about that. I am going to LIE.

Day…lemme count…5 on Cymbalta.

It makes me hyper. Not good hyper, but panick-y hyper.

I am told this will go away after the first week or so.

I hope so, since the doctor claims this is to treat my anxiety so she can wean me off Xanax.

Otherwise, I am suing for malpractice as this shit is inducing panic attacks and anxiety left and right.

It is 7:31 pm.

Spook has zonked out.

And I am starting to spazz out, because I have not yet gone to my bedroom.

For the last year or so, I have felt compelled-obsessively driven-to be in my bedroom by 8 pm at the latest.

I do not know why.

But it is one of those neurotic compulsions, like people who have to wash their hands six times or check that the door is locked seven times. It makes no sense, but to not do it is so disturbing, you start to freak out.

I have tried to push myself past this point.

It is not working.

Today was sucky.

I paid bills. Found out the insurance from the accident “should: cover the cost of a different car…

BUT I also made a big fuck up doing something that R had to spend his time correcting and it still isn’t working right…so I am inclined to crawl under a rock and die.

BUT I did try to tell him I needed more help so in a way, he’s as responsible as I am.

I dunno.

All in all, semi sucky day.

But I am still breathing.