Daily Archives: November 28, 2012

Cleaning Out

I periodically go through massive cleaning-out binges. I suspect it’s a prodromal symptom for a mood swing, but whatever. It …

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For Sale: Used slightly unreliable brain with multiple defects

Cute title,no? Kinda just hit me cos Bex has always said when I die, she wants to put my brain in a jar on her desk. We have warped senses of a humor. But there is a reason I went with that title/theme this morning at the sucky hour of 6 am (thank you alarm clock Spooky.) Let me explain, because while it may seem like long winded prattling, the dots connect in my head. And it’s relevant to my thoughts at this moment, hang in there with me,please.

I am a dinosaur,inasmuch that I do not relish texting or talking on the phone or Facebook.

I still use Windows Live Messenger, even though Bex is the only person I know who still uses it. I refuse to be assimilated to the other forms of communication others are so fond of. I am not Borg. What I have always loved about IM is that it’s the perfect real time talk for people who have severe social anxiety. Like me. I get so tongued when trying to talk sometimes, I come off like a hyperactive bunny on a bad acid trip. IM lets me have time to put my thoughts into words without just opening mouth and inserted both feet,shoes,socks, and all.

Another plus of Windows Live IM (I absolute loathe all things Yahoo, but that’s another story entirely) is the custom emoticons. I am told it is childish, outdated, superfluous, blah blah, to use emoticons these days beyond a simple smiley. Yet emoticons make it sooo simply to depict your meaning, your thoughts, it’s just concise with a sense of whimsy to it. Many times I have thought in actual verbal communication, misunderstandings of my intent could have been avoided if I had simply been able to use the msn emote with the tongue sticking out. Obviously indicating sarcasm or a lack of seriousness. My voice apparently does not do this adequately and my sense of humor leaves much to be desired with the masses.

In terms of my mental state at times…there is this animated emote Bex gave me a looongg time ago that shows a smiley emote sweating and looking distressed and then it’s brain pops out of its head.

THAT is how I feel 98% of the time.

Long story to explain a little thing but that’s me, sorry.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty positive and good before the job interview. I got there early, and read while I waited. I was actually giving myself pats on the back for being in a good mental state and not freaking out.

Then five minutes before time to go face the lady.,..the panic swept in and kicked my ass and I started sweating and hyperventilating and my heart was trying to bounce its way out of my chest cavity.

I had to take a Xanax because my head was swimming and all logic was just flying away with my rapid heartbeat. I could just see that emoticon in my head, depicting exactly how I was feeling. One minute in control, next minute brain popping out of my skull.

But I nutted up and went inside and turned out, she was very laid back, bubbly, friendly, and I liked her. It was not a long interview, but it went pretty well. I tried to address my problems in the past while putting forward all of the progress I have made and the skills I have pertinent to the job duties. It’s my idea job, part time, flexible hours, casual dress code. I want it badly.

Which means I won’t get it, because she is interviewing people all the way til the end of next week. I may have the skills but I have come to find they always go for someone with stability over drive and ability.

Stability is not my forte, thanks to my stupid defective brain never acting the way it should.

It went well, and I want to be hopeful, but I own my past and I know in all likelihood it will continue to haunt me. After a year, I was just glad to get an interview anywhere.

After surviving that, I went the shop where R was not having a good day. And what does my brain decide is appropriate mode to go into?


So I am bouncing off walls, talking like a chatterbox, seemingly happy…and he thinks it is at his expense, like I am taunting him for having a bad day.

Thanks a lot, Brain.


Then I went to yank some capacitors off a board and i got them all…and forgot in what order they went back. Just blanked out. Like some magnet erased my hard drive. I don’t know if it’s the med situation or lack of focus, but wow. That sucked.

I was glad to come home.

I didn’t even bother eating. As soon as Spook was down, I crawled into bed with the movie Brainscan playing and went to sleep.

Today I am dealing the insurance company lady. She’s coming here this morning to look at my car’s damage. She’s going to see the hood I live in, the elderly car I drive, and I’ll be lucky if they offer enough for a Happy Meal.

But my contingency plan is having my dad and his woman here, I bought the car from them, they know exactly how much is tied up in it, what it would go for at auction, et al.

I will not be laying down and keeping the peace on this one. I was sitting at a stop sign for fuck’s sake. I had no blame whatsoever except for leaving the house.

They will either put my car back the way it was, or get me a better car. period.

That has me in a rather anxious agitated mood, dealing with red tape mongers pisses me off.


Long post about fuck all.

It’s mental purging.

I needed to do it.

Anyone who bothered to read, thanks. You have the patience of a saint.



NaNoWriMo Victory!

Gentle readers, I have done my WriMo duty for a second straight year.  I must shamelessly say that I am very proud of myself.  Even better, when I hit the 50.000 word winner mark, I couldn’t stop, but have kept write on (sic) all evening and am now standing at 51,327 delicious words.


It’s a bitter-sweet victory for me to be writing this book.  I’ve been trying to write it for 40 years, but have run into emotional snags like near-psychotic breaks triggered by the flashbacks that I inevitably get when I write the history of the lost and abused little girl I was.  Even now, I have written many words through streaming tears.


But this time is different, for some reason.  The words are flowing (as are my tears) and at the end of every writing session I feel liberated, lightened of the load I have carried these 40 years and more.


So hip-hip-hooray for me, and I am going to drink a toast now, to Dina Leah and her new life, freed from the bonds of the past.  Now it’s time to incorporate the discipline of NaNoWriMo into my every day writing life, and apply seat to chair for at least two hours a day, as I have for the past month.  And soon, soon (maybe tomorrow) I will restart Dina Leah’s blog, where her story will be available in serial form.  See you there!