Daily Archives: October 16, 2012

bring out the brillo pads.

ok, i’m shot through the heart.  i need to accept it.  there is no going back, no take backs.  i fucked up and broke up with him prematurely and now i need to deal with it.  no more what-ifs.

fuck, this is going to suck.

one step at a time.

first, i need a good cleansing.

i need to let go of all of the things i was hanging on to that had to do with us.  well, almost all of them.  i’m not getting rid of Big Dog A.    but i will probably sell some of my gaming equipment.  gaming isn’t any fun anymore when i can’t geek out with my buddy.  it’s just depressing.

i need to find a place for the big stuffed animal in my room that i got for valentine’s day.  after i sleep with it tonight, one last time.  and i will put all of his things in one place, possibly in my storage closet outside, so i don’t have to look at them all day.

i need to change my online experience so his name doesn’t pop up on my contact list.  i changed his name in my cell to “The Love is Gone”.  thank goodness i gave up facebook a long time ago.

and hopefully, one of these days, i will wake up and find myself thinking of something other than him.

i was just feeling pleased with myself when my phone alerted me to a new text message.  from XBF.

he wrote that there’s a problem with his ticket and he will have to come out some other weekend.  and that “he’ll let me know”.

shit.

a few texts back and forth and the most information i’ve got is that he has no idea if it will be by the end of this month.  so i went for it.  i asked if he’d have time to talk this weekend.

about what?

i said i’d like to talk about what happened and why.

he’s not responded.  i don’t think he will.

which means that i am going to have to find closure on my own.  that i have to truly let him go, starting now.  i’m not ready for that.  the gaping wound feels ripped open again.  just when it was starting to heal.

i am blessed.

i am blessed with family and friends who have drawn out my squirmy mass from the black-as-tar pit where i left it.  simultaneous, serendipitous experiences converge so that i may wade rather than drown, raising my head just high enough to view my reflection.

and that’s where i really need to be looking anyway.

so, i’ve dedicated this week “me-week”.  because rather than suffer and panic about a situation with an outcome i cannot control, i will turn inward.  to understand myself, and how i relate to the people and things around me.

and instead of trying to plan out all contingencies for this weekend, i am going to use that energy to get myself to a place where i can be receptive to most possibilities.  even the possibility of nothing at all.

friday, i will take myself to yoga, where i can breathe and stretch and meditate.  saturday morning, i will go with a friend to an al-anon meeting, where i can support her and also absorb the energy of personal responsibility.  then, i will get a massage, to treat a back injury and relax my mind.

after this, i may see XBF or i may not.  he will have the option to get his things while i’m not at home.  and if i see him, i aim to be capable of handling a variety of possible interactions.  with no expectations.

when he leaves, i will permit myself to feel.  and then i will spend time with friends so i am not left to dwell or wish or yearn alone.

hopefully, that will make all the difference.