Daily Archives: October 16, 2012

psychic cleansing

bring out the brillo pads.

ok, i’m shot through the heart.  i need to accept it.  there is no going back, no take backs.  i fucked up and broke up with him prematurely and now i need to deal with it.  no more what-ifs.

fuck, this is going to suck.

one step at a time.

first, i need a good cleansing.

i need to let go of all of the things i was hanging on to that had to do with us.  well, almost all of them.  i’m not getting rid of Big Dog A.  :)   but i will probably sell some of my gaming equipment.  gaming isn’t any fun anymore when i can’t geek out with my buddy.  it’s just depressing.

i need to find a place for the big stuffed animal in my room that i got for valentine’s day.  after i sleep with it tonight, one last time.  and i will put all of his things in one place, possibly in my storage closet outside, so i don’t have to look at them all day.

i need to change my online experience so his name doesn’t pop up on my contact list.  i changed his name in my cell to “The Love is Gone”.  thank goodness i gave up facebook a long time ago.

and hopefully, one of these days, i will wake up and find myself thinking of something other than him.

foiled again

i was just feeling pleased with myself when my phone alerted me to a new text message.  from XBF.

he wrote that there’s a problem with his ticket and he will have to come out some other weekend.  and that “he’ll let me know”.


a few texts back and forth and the most information i’ve got is that he has no idea if it will be by the end of this month.  so i went for it.  i asked if he’d have time to talk this weekend.

about what?

i said i’d like to talk about what happened and why.

he’s not responded.  i don’t think he will.

which means that i am going to have to find closure on my own.  that i have to truly let him go, starting now.  i’m not ready for that.  the gaping wound feels ripped open again.  just when it was starting to heal.

the road less traveled

i am blessed.

i am blessed with family and friends who have drawn out my squirmy mass from the black-as-tar pit where i left it.  simultaneous, serendipitous experiences converge so that i may wade rather than drown, raising my head just high enough to view my reflection.

and that’s where i really need to be looking anyway.

so, i’ve dedicated this week “me-week”.  because rather than suffer and panic about a situation with an outcome i cannot control, i will turn inward.  to understand myself, and how i relate to the people and things around me.

and instead of trying to plan out all contingencies for this weekend, i am going to use that energy to get myself to a place where i can be receptive to most possibilities.  even the possibility of nothing at all.

friday, i will take myself to yoga, where i can breathe and stretch and meditate.  saturday morning, i will go with a friend to an al-anon meeting, where i can support her and also absorb the energy of personal responsibility.  then, i will get a massage, to treat a back injury and relax my mind.

after this, i may see XBF or i may not.  he will have the option to get his things while i’m not at home.  and if i see him, i aim to be capable of handling a variety of possible interactions.  with no expectations.

when he leaves, i will permit myself to feel.  and then i will spend time with friends so i am not left to dwell or wish or yearn alone.

hopefully, that will make all the difference.