bring out the brillo pads.
ok, i’m shot through the heart. i need to accept it. there is no going back, no take backs. i fucked up and broke up with him prematurely and now i need to deal with it. no more what-ifs.
fuck, this is going to suck.
one step at a time.
first, i need a good cleansing.
i need to let go of all of the things i was hanging on to that had to do with us. well, almost all of them. i’m not getting rid of Big Dog A. but i will probably sell some of my gaming equipment. gaming isn’t any fun anymore when i can’t geek out with my buddy. it’s just depressing.
i need to find a place for the big stuffed animal in my room that i got for valentine’s day. after i sleep with it tonight, one last time. and i will put all of his things in one place, possibly in my storage closet outside, so i don’t have to look at them all day.
i need to change my online experience so his name doesn’t pop up on my contact list. i changed his name in my cell to “The Love is Gone”. thank goodness i gave up facebook a long time ago.
and hopefully, one of these days, i will wake up and find myself thinking of something other than him.
i was just feeling pleased with myself when my phone alerted me to a new text message. from XBF.
he wrote that there’s a problem with his ticket and he will have to come out some other weekend. and that “he’ll let me know”.
a few texts back and forth and the most information i’ve got is that he has no idea if it will be by the end of this month. so i went for it. i asked if he’d have time to talk this weekend.
i said i’d like to talk about what happened and why.
he’s not responded. i don’t think he will.
which means that i am going to have to find closure on my own. that i have to truly let him go, starting now. i’m not ready for that. the gaping wound feels ripped open again. just when it was starting to heal.
i am blessed.
i am blessed with family and friends who have drawn out my squirmy mass from the black-as-tar pit where i left it. simultaneous, serendipitous experiences converge so that i may wade rather than drown, raising my head just high enough to view my reflection.
and that’s where i really need to be looking anyway.
so, i’ve dedicated this week “me-week”. because rather than suffer and panic about a situation with an outcome i cannot control, i will turn inward. to understand myself, and how i relate to the people and things around me.
and instead of trying to plan out all contingencies for this weekend, i am going to use that energy to get myself to a place where i can be receptive to most possibilities. even the possibility of nothing at all.
friday, i will take myself to yoga, where i can breathe and stretch and meditate. saturday morning, i will go with a friend to an al-anon meeting, where i can support her and also absorb the energy of personal responsibility. then, i will get a massage, to treat a back injury and relax my mind.
after this, i may see XBF or i may not. he will have the option to get his things while i’m not at home. and if i see him, i aim to be capable of handling a variety of possible interactions. with no expectations.
when he leaves, i will permit myself to feel. and then i will spend time with friends so i am not left to dwell or wish or yearn alone.
hopefully, that will make all the difference.