Apparently, ’tis the season for migraines to sneak up on me again. I hope this is a one-off, but just in case it isn’t? I’ve made sure to put some codeine in my purse for tomorrow. I can hope that deity will smile upon me and allow me to enjoy my day out without stealing my vision, but I guess we shall see.
My thoughts keep stumbling over the concept of focus this week. My mother-in-law spotting a technophobe-friendly computer reminded me how much I want a netbook. The only reason I ‘need’ one is for writing; I’ve always told myself that if I had one, it would encourage me to write more. I don’t know how that works; I’m already using two computers all the time, so what’s stopping me from opening a text document and occasionally scribbling into that?
By the same token, I keep telling myself that I’d be able to get back to studying languages if I had some sort of help focusing. I don’t know if I have ADD or ADHD (though hopefully we’ll get an answer on that in the near future), but I do know that unless I really want to do something (like playing The Sims), it’s dreadfully difficult to get to doing anything. List-making helps a little bit, but only with little things. If it’s something that’s more involved, like writing or studying for anything, I’ll be lucky if I can rub 5 minutes of focus together.
Having said that, I feel like I’m making up big fat excuses. As if somehow I’m just being horribly lazy because I find it so hard to do things. As if somehow I’m just giving up because my brain shuts down when thinking about ‘hard’ things, even before I can try to break it down into ‘easier’ component parts. This is obviously frustrated by knowing that I can focus on some things that I like. That I have a weird exception when it comes to work, where (if nobody gets up in my space and makes noise at me) I can approximate focus and plow through things in a speedy fashion.
I’ll add that I’m not beating myself up over it… I think. It’s hard to tell; I’ve been working hard to quit being so self-flagellating, but as that’s internal, I don’t exactly have a basis for comparison with others as to what is ‘normal’. And I definitely am not beating myself up right now; I took a proper dose of codeine to deal with my migraine, and I’m feeling downright euphoric. Euphoric is good for musing; it’s not worth spoiling with beating myself up.