Dazed and Confused

Sorry, I have been out of it lately. The past couple days more so than the rest. I don’t understand it and that frustrates me. It’s as if I have been completely and utterly exhausted. My father in law was here for a visit, and I felt so embarrassed… I was not well at all, and I couldn’t stop what was happening.

Slap happy, confused, losing stuff, irritated, tired… all rolled into one.

I swear it was like I was exhausted, but I have done nothing to feel THAT exhausted. I have been sleeping well, and the only thing I have done was a little yard work on Sunday, and then cleaning house. That was it. So really, I can’t be exhausted, It just doesn’t make any sense… Unless I’m having some kind of Lupus flair or Fibromyalgia flair, because my body has been in a lot of pain… like a fuzzy pain. Like the kind of pain you get when you are sick with the flu; achy bruisy kind of feeling….

My father in law is just assuming that I am having problems getting my shit together since I am at home by myself now. I’m not yet acclimated to being home alone during the day yet in his eyes…. So, ok, we will go with that… I’m more than happy for him to think that. Because it’s much more better than him thinking I need to go to the nut hut, right?

I had lunch with my darling husband yesterday, and it was confession time for me. I told him about me seeing things again. I’mm seeing shadow figures, and colors running…. Last time I have visual hallucinations, I was stressed, and my pdoc was confused as to why I was having them… But now, I don’t have anything to really stress me out right now.

I swear the cat was with me downstairs when I was doing laundry, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye, run into my son’s room, but I checked and she wasn’t there… Yeah, she was upstairs, never came down. Then the other day I was doing dishes, and I swear to God it looked like the ink was melting off of our dishes… blueish-purple suds were all over the dishes, and when I would wash, it was like I was washing them in ink? It was fucking weird and scary, and that incident really rang some bells for me. So, I have been trying to keep an eye on myself…. But yeah, I told him about all of that and he did seem a bit concerned… Which is a change, because when it comes to my mental health, I don’t think he shows much concern…. And mostly because lack of understanding.

So that is where I have been…. Dazed and confused… walking around in my own little world… and I hate this. I used to blame this on the meds… but I’m not on meds, so I don’t know what in the hell is going on. I am hoping to get an appointment with our family doc so I can get my bloodwork done to check all my lupus and arthritis readings…


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