Daily Archives: October 8, 2012
Good morning and happy M…Day that shall not be named. Whoa almost forgot. One of the very few rules here at Running Naked with Scissors. I don’t have many. That would kind of contradict my whole thingy I got going on here don’t you think? I mean how can … Continue reading
While it is wonderful to be home in my own space, I realized something — anxiety sure finds its way to creep in these days. I think I have to concede that my attempts to keep minimalist aren’t fully succeeding, and my addiction to my computers certainly doesn’t help (I say as I play Sims 2 and 3 at the same time on two computers *cough*). Getting up and away from my computers is probably a good thing to do, yanno? It’s just hard when I find my computer chair to be the comfiest seat in the house… and I want to refresh Facebook obsessively… yeah, feeder bar me, just like most everyone these days.
I have one advantage over most people with the feeder bar mentality; it’s not transferred to my mobile phone yet. I’m able to browse and do things on my phone, but because of the screen size and fiddliness, I am not so inclined to do it more than momentarily. No, most of what I use my phone for is mini-games during moments of waiting, and those… I can take of leave without any real stress about losing progress or whatever.
Now, where was I going with this? Oh yes — in short, in spite of my stressful family and their high-energy hijinks, I didn’t feel much anxiety while abroad. I did have time where I was curled up with a computer relaxing, but larger swathes of time were off moving and doing things and driving (I really missed driving, hee hee). Between my family and my ill-settled child, I didn’t get a lot of time to nest. I slept more, I was out more, and I was calmer. This can’t be mere coincidence. I felt better for doing. My best friend? She also felt better for doing. Having said that, we’re still trying to determine if that was us feeding off of each other or not; we tend to buoy each other immensely.
So really, I know that I need to cut the cord here a bit and even just sit three feet away on the couch. I strongly suspect that a slight increase in doing won’t hurt, but I don’t want to push too far at this stage either. Like my doctors want for me, I too want to get stabilized. That means, to me, making small and careful changes and thinking about how they effect the whole. Making myself move away from my delightful crack boxes is a reasonable small change to apply in small measure; it is a good place to start atop my increased dosage. So *sighs* I will turn on the radio, make a coffee… and move three feet away where I cannot even see my screens. This better help, ha ha.
And hopefully all of you out there are doing alright. I -am- mainly well, but there’s always room for improvement!
I woke up today…and realized…
I am depressed.
I have zero hope for the future.
I am angry and dead inside at the same time.
I am also scared.
I do not want to do anything today.
I want to curl up under a blanket and not function.
I most certainly do not want to walk the emotional tightrope with other people around, waiting for someone to say or do something that will either reduce me to tears or send me into the anger stratosphere.
The counselor and doctor think I am doing so wonderfully.
If I had any ink in my printer I would print out all my blog entries and let them see just how up and down I am, constantly.
Not that it would do any good. No doubt it would just be me, failing to regulate my emotions.
I was in decent spirits over the weekend. Not bouncing off of walls, but functional and low-level.
Now I am just low.
And I am scared.
This is how it starts.
And without someone to listen to me…
I don’t know how to save myself.
I had a dream last night that I was just so sick of R and Kenny and R’s wife and R’s mouthy oldest daughter…that I set the shop on fire on purpose.
Metaphor maybe for time for me to walk away from their drama?
Which I really can’t afford to do at this juncture.
So how do I keep it all from devouring me alive and setting off negative emotions?
I guess that is where regulating my emotions would come in handy.
Of course, being in the same mood for more than an hour would also be very handy.
damn damn damn damn.
The rabbit hole is before me, wide open and waiting to swallow me up.
I’m walking on a field full of landmines.
Must tread carefully.
And maybe follow my old counselor’s advice. Some days if all you can manage is one task then you crawl under a blanket and allow yourself to be depressed…it’s not the end of the world.
Thing with cyclothymia is my mood will probably change before days’ end.
Though what scares me most about the seasonal affect-and this is not me focusing on the negative,it’s just the voice of hard learned experience- I fall into a depression that does not abate for five or six months.
I think I should be scared of that.
I think anyone with a brain would be scared of that.
So why does my counselor just make me feel like a weak whiny pessimist?
Hey, well, we all make this post at some point. You know, the one that says, “I haven’t been posting …
i’ve tried all the standard tricks and i still feel like i’ve been punched in the gut.
actually, i’d prefer a punch to the gut to this. a punch to the gut might hurt at the time, but healing would be noticeable. measurable. not so in this heartbreak hotel. emotional pain is a different animal.
i went through all of the usual suspects. shopping therapy. ice cream. chocolate. comfort food. alcohol. illicit drugs. sleep. lots of sleep. tv. calling friends i haven’t talked to in a while. all in a matter of about 72 hours.
i felt heavy and sad, but i didn’t break until just now. not really. i felt the sadness. acknowledged it. talked about it. but i didn’t feel the loss until just now. and the dam broke.
it’s silly really. i started playing little big planet on the ps vita. and i heard the whimsical, fantastical music and memories of times shared hit me like a bus. the positive ones, the ones i would do well to ignore right after a break up.
the things i appreciated, even if it took a while. the things i’m going to miss. geeking out on technology news. watching avgn, the guild, and video game high school. discussing politics. playing video games. talking through road trips instead of listening to music. sharing stories about pets. his parents. morning texts and pair pictures. making predictions about things i might like…and being right. what i’m sure was a strenuous, if misplaced, effort to make me happy.
there will be plenty of days to remind myself why i made my decision. tonight i remember the good.
Well we haven’t done this in a while have we? I thought it would be fun to roll out the good old Happy Talk. From the Coffee Spot of course. The best coffee and donuts around. The donuts are zero calorie light as air and they all have extra sprinkles. I figured I might as … Continue reading