Monthly Archives: October 2012

DBT Week 19

This week included some review of last week’s material for the benefit of me and another person, so you get …

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Chapter 3: Samantha

Reblogged from Dina Leah: story of a teenage runaway:

Dina carefully stacked three apple boxes one atop the other.  Tilting her face toward the barn roof gutter, she could hear the “chirrr, chirrr” of the baby starlings in their nest.  The mother starling fluttered in with a fat worm in her beak; pandemonium broke out in the nest as the youngsters vied for succulent bites.

As the mother bird flew away on a mission for more worms, Dina grabbed her opportunity.  

Read more… 1,500 more words

The third chapter in the life story of Dina Leah, a teenage runaway

non-theist 12 steps

a friend sent this to me a few days or so ago and i just got the chance to look at it.

i like it, so i’m going to share.  :)

A Buddhist’s Non-Theist 12 Steps

  1. We admitted our addictive craving over alcohol, and recognized its consequences in our lives.
  2. Came to believe that a power other than self could restore us to wholeness.
  3. Made a decision to go for refuge to this other power as we understood it.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact moral nature of our past.
  6. Became entirely ready to work at transforming ourselves.
  7. With the assistance of others and our own firm resolve, we transformed unskillful aspects of ourselves and cultivated positive ones.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed.
  9. Made direct amends to such people where possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. In addition, made a conscientious effort to forgive all those who harmed us.
  10. Continue to maintain awareness of our actions and motives, and when we acted unskillfully promptly admitted it.
  11. Engaged through the practice of meditation to improve our conscious contact with our true selves, and seeking that beyond self. Also used prayer as a means to cultivate positive attitudes and states of mind.
  12. Having gained spiritual insight as a result of these steps, we practice these principles in all areas of our lives, and make this message available to others in need of recovery.

Discrimination in the Medical Field (or… my experience at the Family Doctors…)

Oh. My. God. Yesterday was horrible. I went to the doc to get an order for my labs. This was the first (and LAST) time I saw this new doctor that took over the practice. Not a good experience, and just Oh… My… God….

Excerpt from my FB:

Well, went to the Dr… what a trip that was. Got my lab orders and an appointment in a month. I learned that I am overweight (shocker, I know!) and I need to go on a program, you know, the kind that you pay for, so that I will stick to it. I’m suffering from the “American Diet”. And well, all the pain I deal with? Yeah, I just gotta suck it up! Nothing he can do about it. And Oh, how he wishes he can send me to France, so I could just drop 50 pounds! But the Dr. is so proud of me for being off my meds! I have so many people depending on me, I’m such an important person, and it is a blessing I haven’t let my Bipolar get in the way of my life.

Really? I’m so upset. Like my feelings are hurt. I feel like I wa not understood at all. And… I might not have Lupus, because ANA tests are crap. Ok… Still leaves me completely clueless about what is going on with me. I do have lab orders… Will be getting those done at a different day. Today was just too much. I had to have my BP taken 4 times, they couldn’t get my insurance card to recognize me…. I will give the doc another shot… Today WAS a monday…. But if I still don’t mesh with him, I will be looking for a new doctor. I just felt like I was talking to a brick wall….

One of the things that makes me upset is I have changed my eating habits. I will admit that here lately I have strayed (to the point I have gained 3 pounds) But even when I did lose all that weight, It still wasn’t enough, I was still over weight, even with the exercise. Don’t tell me that I suffer from the American Diet, when you don’t even ask how I eat!

And lets not forget the whole “I am annoyed because I KNOW there is something not right, but no one believes me” thing I have going on…

Not to mention, this dude asked me if I graduated high school! AND THEN proceeded to tell me that I must not have Bipolar very bad if I managed to graduate high school. WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!? Dude, you don’t even know my story, and hey, thanks for asking! Thank you for ASSUMING things!

And back to the American Diet thing…. He assumed because I am overweight that I nosh on McDonalds and other fast food 24/7. Because he lectured me on drinking 32 ounce sodas.. Um… I don’t drink soda. Furthermore, I don’t let my kids drink soda. As a matter of fact, we do not allow anything with HFCS in our house! Don’t lecture me on things that do not pertain to me. I explained that we are a long line of heavy women, and that my mother even had to have weight loss surgery… Well, he thought that was ridiculous. If people would just go to France, and stop drinking soda, we would be a healthier nation. OK, fucker, you don’t even know how much my mother struggled. She dieted, she exercised, and NOTHING helped. It was under the advisement of mer physician that she have the surgery. Because she has a lung disease and she was dying slowly, and if she didn’t get rid of some weight, she WAS in danger of dying…. So, tell me again how stupid it was for my mother to have surgery.

And then he remarked on our diet. I told him that I have modified my diet because my husband is on the paleo diet and has been for several years… Well, that is a weird diet! But he guesses everyone has to be weird. Yet, right before that, he was going on about how great his Gluten Free diet was and how he can stand on his head!?! (For those of you that don’t know, the Gluten Free and Paleo diet are VERY very similar!)

And did you know I don’t look like I have arthritis? I didn’t know there was a certain “Look”. And I like this one too… Medications do not cause weight gain! Then he felt like an ass because he looked at my medications list and said about every one of them…. “Oh, that one causes weight gain….” (This was gone over when he asked me how long I have been over weight, and I told him ever since I have been on psych meds!)

And in case you didn’t know, there are people in poor countries that don’t even have band aids, they have to deal with their pain.

All in all, I felt like he did a lot of assumptions. He assumed that I sit on my ass and eat fast food and crap and that is why I am over weight. He assumed that I do not have Bipolar very bad if I could manage to graduate High school (Um… I wasn’t diagnosed with BP until I was in my 30′s, but I did deal with depression and self medicated with drugs and alcohol while in high school) He assumed that I don’t have arthritis even though it does state on my records that I have osteoarthritis…. Basically there is NOTHING wrong with me, and I just have to live with the pain and fatigue because people in other countries don’t have band aids, and American’s just want drugs….

For the record, I wasn’t drug seeking, and if he looked at my records he would see that it has actually been exactly 1 year since I have been to the family doctor. I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me and then work on getting better through diet and exercise. (Meds if needed to manage)

So, today, I’m looking for a new doc. Fuck this shit.

checking in with myself

my house is so clean. in fact, i don’t think i’ve ever lived in a cleaner house.

somewhere along the line, i figured out that cleaning is ah-MAY-ziiiing therapy.  i just flip on Law & Order and let it play while i get to work.  before i know it, my laundry is done, folded, and put away; my dishes are clean and/or put away; counters scrubbed, floors swept, furniture dusted, papers organized, food prepped, cooked, and frozen…you get the idea.

there are two motivations running parallel here.

one, my home is my sanctuary.  i walk into my home and it makes me feel happy and comfortable.  i feel at peace and i can think when i don’t have a big mess.

two, cleaning is great distraction.  i’m even looking for things to clean.  like today, i cleaned the lids on my trash and recycling bins.  the lids.

a clean house.  regular exercise.  keeping up with work.  connecting with friends.

is it just me, or am i getting my life back?  :)

Limbo (The Bar)

As I sit here feeling like a m£$%f%^n’ adult with all the stuff I’ve been getting done lately, I am wary. I know at some point, my brain is going to throw up its hands, declare, ‘Fuck this shit!’, and plunge me back into the lack of functioning known as depression. I don’t know when it will, only that it eventually will.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be getting stuff done. It makes me feel like I assume normal people feel — capable of doing things as desire comes to mind. It feels especially good when it comes to writing, as I consider it a challenge to my fractured brain at the best of times. That I can sit here and see a notebook filling up with notes for a story, with more written in notes than I have ever written for a story before… well. I have to say it feels pretty good. To know that I can put it aside and pick up my crochet and make productive stuff happen there too is even niftier. I enjoy doing things, yanno? As mine Heatherbat has often said, she cannot imagine me ever stopping working, because I need to be doing things. I don’t know whether it’s my way of running from my brain trying to poison me with intrusive and hateful thoughts or what, but doing and producing is always satisfying.

Anyways, just wanted to get that out. I think I’m going to go make a nice mug of chamomile tea, pop on my earworm of the week (Swoon by Silversun Pickups), and see if I can write out a few more chapter summaries. And if not, that’s okay too. I’m doing my best to stretch out this feeling good and doing good by not doing too much. As most of us with bipolar know, that is an extremely easy mistake to fall into time and time again.


Romantic MDay; A tornado, a volcano and a hurricane

By looking you could not see the storm of unsettle that was she at once perfect stillness and then complete madness without warning could lay waste to a heart With love all mixed up in her head she loved deeper than others compared with her heart not her head ruling there was no one she … Continue reading

Dental +1

As this post goes live, I’m under IV sedation. I’m having oral surgery (again) to implant a #6 (again). Warning: …

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hear ye, hear ye

i have made a decision.

the realization that a decision needed to be made hit me during my warm-up jog in the construction site where i take my boys for some off-leash time.

let me back up.

this morning, i had breakfast with a friend.  she was confiding in me about some atrocious behavior she has experienced in previous relationships.  i won’t lie; i could identify with most of it.  it sounded to me like she’d crossed paths with some major douche bags, but she didn’t suspect that the behavior might have been intentional until i suggested the possibility.  i could also commiserate with many of the dick behaviors she brought up.

i let the conversation percolate a bit.  i felt compassion and pain for my friend, and morbid curiosity about how amazing women end up in such situations.

and as i jogged, i reflected on my relationship with XBF and on the negging, backhanded compliments, and undermining confidence that made semi-regular appearances in our relationship.  i kept flipping back and forth, as i have many times before, on whether he was an asshole or just an idiot.

an asshole.  or an idiot.  those were the two options i came up with to explain his less-than-desirable behavior.  and this isn’t the first time i’ve oscillated between these prize-winning descriptions of a partner.  oh no.

so. my decision is this:  no more passive evaluation if i face this choice again.  i need to clear it up, quick style, so i can decide whether to stick around or not.

that decision entails not getting involved with anyone until i have the emotional fortitude to do so.  because let’s face it: i suck at confrontations to begin with.  mood fluctuations and depression aren’t going to do me any favors.

Anxie-Tea (Let the Good Times Roll)

Today has been one of those days where yes, there’s been some anxiety jagging, but a cup or two of Tension Tamer have knocked it on its ass. I’ve managed to do some more planning for my NaNoWriMo bid, and really… I’m still just sort of amazed by this. I can’t deny that I’m in an upswing if I’m managing this, and yanno… I’m grateful for it after my shitefest summer.

Having said that, I’m wary of there being a crash. After all, more of my time is spent in depression than in joy. And there’s still that problem where I try to belittle my problems to myself instead of being fully honest with myself about how I’m feeling. There’s people that want to help now, and it does me no good to shove it back in the bag. Though I guess the still-jagging anxiety is going to be worth reporting at my next appointment. I don’t know what to say about focus though. Do I sell any focusing issues I might have short in the hopes of getting something more immediate for anxiety? I don’t know yet when I might be able to get checked for ADD/ADHD, and I know I should ‘tough it out’ until that can be covered. Though my sudden spate of focus makes it harder to know what’s going on. My body and brain, they so do love to confuse me!

I don’t really know right now. I do know that I should enjoy my mug of chamomile, perhaps put the notepad away, and just let my brain sludge out over some Sims. Tomorrow I can plot more, and perhaps spend some time reviewing for my theory test.