Every day, what am I saying, every hour, I am of a different opinion regarding medication.

In some moments, I feel great. I don´t really have any problem with depression in this period, my mood is mostly upbeat and optimistic.

But.. the anxiety and the occasional temper tantrums are worrying me. Sleeping is going so-so, some nights I manage ok without any medication, and others I either can´t fall asleep until impossibly late, or I wake up around 2-3 am, and can´t sleep any more. Brain monkeys going completely crazy.

Also, small stuff upsets me sometimes to no end, for hours.

The medication I got from my psychiatrists (opipramol) does help somewhat with the anxiety, but it makes me terribly tired and apathetic. Ok for the night, but during the day, not so good. Really not different from the benzo stuff, only that it is supposedly not addictive. Fortunately it hasn´t any other side effects, as far as I have seen until now. But when I have to drive or do stuff which requires my full attention I simply can´t take them, and that thwarts the whole purpose, as I need them for work and other trips, where I need to be alert, and often drive a car myself. Sigh.

This morning I felt so anxious that I seriously considered to go back on the Celexa again. The psychiatrist has told me to be myself the judge on when I need it, for him, I should be on it always, I have a 2-month reserve of the pills at home and he trusts me to start on them again when I (or the people who live with me) think that the situation is becoming unsustainable.

I am planning to give myself until after the trip to Italy in 3 weeks. Depending on how I will react to 2 days of complicated, chaotic traveling and 2 days of trade fair full immersion with tons of stuff to do, stress and people around me, I will then evaluate if I can do this simply with the Opipramol or if I need constant medication.

For now, I will try with enough physical exercise, good nutrition and some herbal supplements. But I have sworn myself that I never again will let things get bad enough that my life is a burden to myself and those I love. As much as I wish to be able to live without the chemical aids, I know also how much I owe them.

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