Daily Archives: September 20, 2012

When I say I sweat while nervous or panicked, I don’t mean a spot here and there. I mean, 110 in the shade running a marathon sweating.

And when I sweat, I smell bad. Not like body odor, just stagnant.

The smell of fear, I suppose.

It’s mortifying, but I have tried every sweat gland blocking agent known to man and every perfume and deodorant and layers of powder and lotion and perfume…

When I am nervous or freaking out, my sweat glands run along with it.

Tonight,I would have rendered more sweat than the combined sweat socks of a basketball team after a three hour game.

I know, ewwwww.

Welcome to my life.

I showed up 20 mins early for the lawyer,only t find two other people ahead of me.

And I sat. And my hands were soaked with sweat and I just knew the man would shake my hand and think GROSSSSSS.

Because I think it myself, I just don’t know what to do about it. The doctor says calm down, that’s the stellar medical advice I have been given. Like if I knew how,I would be taking more pills to tackle the anxiety when it’s insulting enough to need pills to keep from turning into the tasmanian devil on hormones replacement therapy.

I digress…

I was sweating and trembling and I just knew the woman next to me could probably smell me (like a musty attic, that’s what it is) and I know she kept looking at me because I was-ha ha ha ha=quietly hyperventilating.

Finally got my turn and the lawyer spent all of three minutes with me. He said not to sign any of the papers, the court will not allow this as a child is involved, we will both need lawyers and there will be court ordered mediation which we will have to split the cost for.

I was vindicated because I tried to tell these things to the Donor and he wrote how wrong I was, blah blah blah.

I also like the idea of mediation, not that I want a reconciliation, but ffs, we have a kid together, we should at least be able to communicate in a civilized fashion.

Of course, the lawyer asked about the donor’s income,told me I’d be entitled to 20% of his take home pay, about fifty bucks a week. (Seems fair, when every cent I have goes into her care, eh? Takes two to make a kid, but only 20% of the deadbeat parents’ wages to raise ‘em.)

Then he asked if I had anyone who could help me come up with the money for his services, which is about fifteen hundred bucks, plus the court ordered mediation, et al.

HA HA HA HA HA.

I’d find a way to cough up the mediation money.

Fifteen hundred,though, there’s no way in hell. And since this was all his doing, I don’t think it’s right that I should have to pay for any of it. He left me for someone else. I was willing to work on the marriage, work on my flaws, work, work, work, to keep our family in tact. He abandoned us. His choice, not ours.

But at least I got solid advice from an actual attorney and not just a legal student. That girl advising the Donor must be pretty fucking dumb, if a lawyer takes one look at the papers and says, “You can’t sign this, the court will never accept it,not when a child is involved.”

He also said he doesn’t think the donor even wants visitation, though it is within his rights, he obviously does not want the responsibility of a child or he would not have walked out on her.

So….

Since Mr Donor, with his full time job and expense sharing with his new woman, is sooo poor he has to be his own attorney and get crappy incorrect advice from a legal student…I will place a call to legal aid and see if I can instigate proceedings with representation and maybe we can get this thing moving.

If not, well, it’s not really my problem since I don’t have an unhappy gf/fiance pressuring me to get a divorce.

I was so rattled when I left (vindication does not kill panic, fyi) I forgot to fasten my seatbelt and pulled out in front of the municipal building where a bunch of cops were sitting in their cars…MORE panic. Thought I was a goner. Since the last $75 ticket and my insurance rates increasing I have been very very good about wearing the straight jacket of state sanctioning Orwellian protection from myself. Tonight I slipped. Thankfully they did not stop me.

Came home. Spook was mesmerized by it being dark outside. I don’t go out after dark much, guess maybe I am sheltering her too much, but in truth my night sight makes me nervous.

As do my neighbors, at least the kids, who have decided to kick one of those huge spindles that copper wire comes on (ya know, the ones the size of a tractor tire that look like thread spindles) up and down the street right outside my bedroom window when there’s an empty trailer next door they could be doing it in front of. I said something and the kid goes yelling to his momma about it, so I wouldn’t be surprised to find my car vandalized in the morning. It’s not right, all these feral people moving in, uncivilized and without boundaries. I like my home and they make me fear going outdoors. Sometimes, even staying indoors. I wouldn’t put it past some of these fuckers to try to set the place on fire with us inside it. I mean, these are the same kids who smashed that kitten to death with a brick.

Humanity sickens me.

Parents who churn out children like that because they can’t be botheered to watvch them and teach them better piss me off.

Pardon the typos, I am still shaking like a leaf and sweating.

So…bottom line is, he needs a lawyer, i need a lawyer, neither of us can afford one…His gf is gonna be pissed. Of course, they will both direct their anger at me and not the legal system, because if I’d just roll over and obey, none of this would be happening.

Pardon me if I want to do things legally. That is wrong of me, I suppose. To not try and circumvent the law and basic legal matters for my own purposes,ie being rid of the Donor.

Seeing it typed on paper that I am his spouse makes me want to projectile vomit.

That affliction needs to go away.

But,as the lawyer said, I have to do what is best for my child and The Donor’s way is not it.

I feel better, having gotten advice from an actual attorney. How I wish I could afford his services. The Donor would probably go hide in the beer cooler at his job until he froze to death rather than have to go to court with lawyers and have to answer for his behavior.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow I see my counselor.

I need it.

And I do apologize if I am flood posting, it has been a really rotten week mental health wise and venting really helps, so whoever reads my ranting…Thanks.

I appreciate the comments and everyone who hits the like button immensely.

Just knowing someone out there relates to what I am going through simply by reading these words I type makes me feel a little less alone.