Daily Archives: September 18, 2012
Today is … it’s…. No way How did THAT happen? Oh wait I thought it was Wednesday. I got flustered there for a minute and completely lost my awesome lead in that ties the the days happenings in with the Mental Moment. Today’s Mental Moment is about Integrity. Integrity is defined in the dictionary … Continue reading
Certified papers from the Donor, re the divorce. His tone changed to indignant and obsequious. He insists the first papers weren’t divorce papers,I was mistaken. R saw the first papers and agrees with me, they were divorce papers.
The Donor spelled things out, informed me he’s acting pro se (his own lawyer) because it’s the only way he can afford a divorce but he’s been getting advice from a legal student which is as good as a lawyer and I am free to call her and talk to her about any concerns I have.
Furthermore, he has all the property he wants and considers it divided, except for his birth certificate, which he left here but it makes it seem like I am holding it hostage.
Then he wants the bills divided according to whose name they are in, which means he gets off with a three hundred dollar cable bills and I am going to have file bankruptcy on about four grand in hospital bills from Spook’s prenatal and birth care.
He wants visitation rights but there’s no mention of support or a schedule.
Which means with his ever revolving schedule at the convenience store, I will once again be held hostage by his schedule, and his whims, and Spook will pay the price for his psychotic behavior.
I’m really NOT okay with this.
Fine, have your divorce, your grounds, I’ll take the bills and all parental responsibility.
But not even mailing her a Christmas or birthday gift or trying to see her for a year, now suddenly he wants to leave the door open for visitation if and when it suits him…Never mind the damage it might do to her.
I was pretty much a wreck all day, stomach issues, anxiety, mood low, distracted.
Now I am just nervous and irate and worried and my stomach is still doing flipflops that send me to the bathroom.
The joy of being me.
I am just…pissed off and down and seriously fucking worried.
And stressed, let’s not forget that, the panic reverberates into my damn spleen.
I’m sick of being cranky and down and stressed.
I need a vacation from being me.
Tuesday 7:26 a.m.
Post office lobby opens in an hour.
I was up half the night with stomach issues.
They have carried over into this morning.
My body does not handle stress and anxiety with any grace.
Think my gums are bleeding from the teeth gnashing.
Gotta stop doing that.
Yeah, because all of this shit is done on purpose because it lends a certain quality of greatness to my life.
I am going to take Spook to my mom’s then go to the post office and hope my legs can carry me to the counter and back out to the car. My heart is already racing even before the cobwebs of sleep have cleared from my brain.
Why isn’t it acceptable for a grown woman to climb into a closet and hide under a blanket?
Not like I’d be there too long, my nervous stomach would send me rushing for the bathroom in no time.
I keep berating myself GROW UP AND DEAL!
The panic keeps sticking its tongue out and mocking me.
No matter how much I want to kick its ass and take control over my mind and body…the panic is always more powerful and determined. And I have to wonder what event in my life caused my fight or flight impulse to metastasize into a crippling panic disorder.
Or is that too whacked out brain wiring?
Or maybe the masses are right and I am just lazy and weak.
My head is swimming, aching too, my heart is pounding so fast it hurts.
And I have to pull it together and get trash out to the curb, dress my kid, dress myself, pack her stuff for the day, make sure the cats are fed and watered, and go to the post office without having a complete mental collapse.
Proof that for every good day I have ten bad ones are coming so let’s just make them all bad.
Yeah,I know, three posrs in one day, Overkill.
I don’t care right now.
I asked R to stop by before he went home.
It helped a little.
But I cannot discuss my mental stuff with him, he doesn’t get it. He never did. Was one of the reasons we split up in the first place.
I am numb now, thanks to liquid assistance he brought me.
But deep down…I am still a wondering nervous wreck.
And I still feel so very alone.
If someone is your REAL friend, should they not be able to discuss everything with you?
R is good to me, and he is a nice guy, but he,like the rest of society, he seems to think this mental stuff is trivial and self pitying.
I’m a numbed basket case.
No words can depict this emotion with any accuracy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be calm.
What I want and what I feel are two very different things.
And it sucks.
And I don’t know how to break out of this mindset.
The harder I try to convince myself this is NOT how I feel and I am just being overreactive, the more I feel this way.
But my kid hasn’t wakened from her nap yet.
Which means I won’t be able to be down for long,if I am even able to fall asleep.
Uncertainty is a hell all its own.
I apologize for flood posting but I am really lonely and scared and I just…
need to vent.