My mom says “You always want to go home, you never want to do anything, you’re antisocial.”
What I am, after a day of putting on the mask and pretending to be one of the normal feeling masses,is exhausted.
I do just want to come home and vegetate.
I don’t think I am antisocial, and neither does my counselor or doctor.
But limiting social interaction is a necessity because I do become so overwhelmed and putting on the various masks for the benefit of others does wear you down to a frazzle.
My mood goes up and down so many times in the course of a day…But I can’t let it show for that would make me defective and that is socially unacceptable.
So I plaster on the socially acceptable masks and I fake my way through the tasks, through the social interaction, through the stressors and anxieties and errands.
I’ve been told that because I call the world outside my safe zone the “petri dish” I am being negative.
I don’t believe this.
Life altering and saving things have been cooked up in petri dishes.
So have abominations that destroy and lessen life.
Calling the world outside my safe zone a petri dish merely represents my daly uncertainty of what I might encounter. It could go either way, and some days, my psyche feels so threadbare, I don’t want to risk it being a negative encounter. Because no matter what mask I put on or how seemingly impenetrable it seems…
At the end of it all,I am just a fragile human being whose brain misfires frequently.
I think if the so called “normal” people could just walk a few days in the shoes of those of us who have to live behind our masks and deal with brains that send us the wrong messages 80% of the time…
They might learn the art of apathy.
But I won’t hold my breath.