I admit with no pride…I am dodging calls from R. He asked if I would come in for a few hours one day this weekend and I told him he has to start giving me more than five minutes notice so I can find a sitter. I’ve asked that of him a ton of times. He never hears me.
I ran errands all morning, buying groceries and a few cleaning supplies, and Spook was typical noisy tantrum-y toddler. I just want to vegetate now.
I know I should man up and answer the phone,though in all fairness it has only rang once. In all fairness,I don’t even know if he wants me to come in, for all I know he could be wanting to ask the answer to a trivia question or tell me a long awaited part has come in.
BUT I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.
I need a break from people, from activity.
I cannot be him,or his eldest daughter, who is working full time, getting her masters so in school full time, married, raising a baby…Which she learned from him, run 24-7, never relax, never stop going.
Now I feel like he is expecting the same of me, and I cannot be him,or his daughter.
My limitations became pretty clear last night when I was studying the A Plus certification and hit the chapter on motherboards and not one kernel of it stuck in my brain.
I am not stupid.
But I am a slow learner and some of this stuff just does not register.
I have tried to tell R this and he just won’t listen.
He is good to me, and I know this, and I am grateful.
But every time I see the job lady, I hope against hope this will be the time when a job comes through.
Because I am starting to feel like I can’t breathe with R.
It was one of the biggest issues from when we lived together was I couldn’t keep up with his go 24-7 lifestyle and him expecting and pushing me to keep up was one of the major stressors that would send me into some bipolar or panic oriented freak out.
Can’t help but feel like I am right back there,only without the added benefit of shared expenses and sex.
When I try to talk to him honestly about the stress I am feeling, he launches into a spiel about how he raised three girls on his own and worked full time and played with a band and had a relationship and paid all the bills and did side work for extra cash and had all his friends to hang out with….
Just hearing him go on gives me an epic panic attack. I remember all too well what life with him was like.
That he seems to expect me to be like him and his daughter pisses me off.
Furthermore, the way he expects me to drop everything and appear when he decides he needs my assistance without regard to what I might be doing at the time (or not doing) gets my panties in a bunch.
When talking honestly to a person doesn’t work, what is left but running for the hills?
I feel weak and pathetic and gutless.
I also feel like my psyche is at a breaking point and if I don’t find a way to put up some stop signs,I’m going to come unglued.
So…today I am hiding.
I don’t feel good about it, but sometimes, saving yourself is more important than pleasing others. Especially when you’re not even getting paid to do something.
I am just people’d out for the day.
I need a xanax, some whiskey, and about 14 hours of staying inside and away from anyone who is not connected via computer.
On the plus side,other than folding an asstone of laundry,I did get caught up on all my housework.
That will last about sixteen hours.
One more stressor.
That I am not going to think about right now.
I need to lay like broccoli.