If Only

If Only I had been a better Wife, If Only I had been a better Mother, Lover, Person! I would not be feeling sorrow. If Only I had been able to listen better about what He needed, If Only I wasn’t Mentally Ill.

Bipolar Kills. People and Relationships. It’s pretty fucking sad when you think about it. Problem is, when suffering an episode, I DON’T think, I FEEL. And I can’t remember things that I said at times when I was having the episode, it’s like a white hot blinding flash and I just say stuff that isn’t very nice. And I get a tone of voice that is mean, and I’m pretty much just an impossible moody bitch that no one can deal with for very long. I try to go off and calm myself down, and when I do the sorrow is so deep, the feeling hurts so much that my body feels like it is on fire, I pretty much just collapse………but only for a short time, a few hours, then I pull myself together for awhile, but then a wave of sadness will overtake me and it starts again. It eventually stops. If only I had paid more attention to my Husband’s needs instead of being so emotionally fragile, I could have seen what was happening with him, if only I hadn’t been so selfish…….If only I hadn’t been so needy and dependent on him this may have been avoided.

Damn. I hate myself. And I hate this illness. It just helps to destroy everything that matters to a person.

And I hate needing meds to help me function in normal society.

Comments are closed.