Daily Archives: August 31, 2012


Hello tharr!

I know, I missed another day — oh well. There’s not much to report, outside of the continued rise of quasi-anxiety. Like, I’m antsy and twitchy and bored, but there’s no energy behind it. Which is a long-standing annoyance of mine, because people then presume that I’m hyper or full of boundless movement, rather than being like someone electroshocking a dead frog.

Behind that, well… it’s not nice. I can feel my brain wanting to flip out because everything is too the same, even though it hasn’t been lately. I’m not really sure what to do to appease it when it breaks out; there’s nothing I can think of that I could potentially do that wouldn’t wear me out to the point of plunging back into bad depression. Nor am I thinking that adding another thing to the normal routine would be the answer; that would just make the rut of rutting feel even heavier and more crushing.

Anyways, meh. I’ll get through it, and hopefully it will help spur me to be more assertive for myself the next time I see my doctor. I’ve got in mind things I need to ask for, so hopefully I’ll manage to keep hyping myself up for it. I think I can, I think I can, etc.


Weekly Photo Challenge: Free Spirit

Another week, another weekly photo challenge, this time on the theme “free spirit.” I looked through my digital shots and …

Continue reading »

If Only

If Only I had been a better Wife, If Only I had been a better Mother, Lover, Person! I would not be feeling sorrow. If Only I had been able to listen better about what He needed, If Only I wasn’t Mentally Ill.

Bipolar Kills. People and Relationships. It’s pretty fucking sad when you think about it. Problem is, when suffering an episode, I DON’T think, I FEEL. And I can’t remember things that I said at times when I was having the episode, it’s like a white hot blinding flash and I just say stuff that isn’t very nice. And I get a tone of voice that is mean, and I’m pretty much just an impossible moody bitch that no one can deal with for very long. I try to go off and calm myself down, and when I do the sorrow is so deep, the feeling hurts so much that my body feels like it is on fire, I pretty much just collapse………but only for a short time, a few hours, then I pull myself together for awhile, but then a wave of sadness will overtake me and it starts again. It eventually stops. If only I had paid more attention to my Husband’s needs instead of being so emotionally fragile, I could have seen what was happening with him, if only I hadn’t been so selfish…….If only I hadn’t been so needy and dependent on him this may have been avoided.

Damn. I hate myself. And I hate this illness. It just helps to destroy everything that matters to a person.

And I hate needing meds to help me function in normal society.

Damn you,bipolar disorder!!!!!

So…I was going along,doing fine, thinking maybe my current med combo was The Magic Bullet…and I was stabilized.

Then today from out of nowhere, I burst into tears at the shop after several hours of feeling majorly angry.


Like a ninny.

And no matter how hard I tried, I could not keep the tears at bay.

So I fled the shop at 4pm, telling R I was not mad at him but upset at other things…

And he followed me to the parking lot and I just babbled and blathered about all his personal drama weighing on me and Kenny saying I am a contributing factor to his marital problems and my issues with the Donor…I JUST CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE AND I WILL NOT BE THROWN UNDER THE BUS BECAUSE HIS MARRIAGE WAS A WRECK LONG BEFORE I CAME BACK INTO THE PICTURE. At this point, I am studying the A plus certification thing because I want to do better for my child and for myself. If I am deemed the problem, guess who’s going to be thrown under the bloody bus?


I dunno.

I didn’t even cry when presented with divorce papers or a threatening letter pressuring me to sign said papers.

Today the tears just kicked my ass and I could not find the off switch.

I just ended my monthly curse so maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it;s just the ebb and flow of bipolar even medicated. I don’t have a fucking clue except today I pretty much melted down.

And the whole time I was like, bullying myself mentally, because ya know, what employer wants a tear stricken basketcase on their hands?

i just could not hold the tears at bay.

I came home and…I just felt so depressed, so blackened, all I wanted t0 do was curl up into the fetal position.

But I can’t because I have a kid.

What i can do is numb it all with liquor, though I take zero pride in this.

Then R’s wife called me and told me if I needed to vent about the Donor situation, she and R were there for me. Which I thought was very sweet, in spite of Kenny insinuating that I am somehow a bone of contention in the R and Mrs R war.

I really hate Kenny right now.

I shouldn’t, he’s very nice to me, he’s just opinionated and clueless.

So for all my “dark engel” toughness, why am I processing it all this way?

Do I care what he thinks?

Not especially, he’s basically a homeless bum by his own design.

But if he’;s thinking I’;m the problem, how long before others think the same thing and accusations fly?

And I am not entirely convinced R wouldn’t throw me under the bus, especially since his wife gets his kids involved in their fights and they make him feel guilty.

I can’t compete with a man’s wife and kids.

I don’t want to.

I hate drama.

I need this chance to do more with my life, to be more for Spook and myself, so this whole me being part of the problem thing really cuts deep.

I’ve done nothing wrong except evolve. To have a friend ,you have to be a friend. I have been a friend for R. That;s ALL I have done. Why am I being made to feel like scum simply because I am the ex gf?

I think perhaps I am letting Kenny’s insignificant opinion carry too much weight. He doesn’t think couples should have girls’ night and guys’ night out, period.

I learned the hard way, if you don’t give each other space and let the other have their own friends and outings,it’s the kiss of death.\

So why am I letting this man get to me?

Maybe because he is R’s closest male friend and R has always done EVERYTHING by committee, I remember my wardrobe having to pass “child appropriate” status with his neighbor lady. He can’t seem to make his own decisions, everything must be weighed based on what others in his circle think.

This scares me.

And frankly, disgusts me.

Nut up, for fuck’s sake.


Isn’t this proof that I am fine until I have to deal with people long term? Then I start coming to pieces.

99%  of the time I either angry or dead inside.

Today was the 1% when I just crumpled and became a basketcase.


I felt so weak, so pathetic, so…like my former self, pre proper diagnosis and proper medication. Erratic.

But for six months at least, I could not cry.

And then today the dam burst and I became all but catatonic.


I have changed sooooooo much since the advent of the bipolar diagnosis and the mood stabilizers.

Yet here I am, cracking up and looking like the same unstable erratic nutbar.


I am embarrassed, drained, sick of it all.


Every time I think I might be stabilizing something happens like this.

It’[s fucking random.

It may be a response or whatever from outer stimuli…

But I can never be sure what is going to be the catalyst.

The Donor asking for a divorce didn’t demolish me to tears.

The Donor pressuring me to sign the papers and mentioning visitation didn’t reduce me to tears.

Then from out of nowhere a statement from a bloody redneck crumples me.


I just want to be stable. I’m not expecting happy. Just stable.

I can’t even get that for more than  a couple of days at a time.


I wish I could just take a pill to fix whatever is wrong with my brain.

I hope it knows how much I hate it.

Stupid dysfunctional unreliable fucker that it is.


Bipolar,like shit, happens.