In Memoriam
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Daily Archives: August 29, 2012
Upheaval; n. the state of being heaved in the up
I am behind. Again. It;s something that I can’t hide or even continue to deny. If I didn’t post a daily Mental Moment I might be able to get away with not admitting it but um, yea when you come for the Mentalness of a moment and see nothing there, it is apparent I am … Continue reading
Awake
While I’m fairly confident that I’m pulling out of depression a bit (seasonal maybe? Reverse SAD? Will have to ask the doctor), I’ve noticed that awake is trying to push in. It’s insomnia, sort of, in that I’m very very alert at bedtime. I’ve been taking melatonin atop my meds to try and help combat it, and it’s mainly helping… mainly. I’ve had a few nights this week where I’ve been too wiggly and uncomfortable to get settled down, or ‘better’ — the brain just being full-on perky instead of winding down. The latter is preferable to the former, insomuch that there’s a chance of thinking soothing meditative thoughts and getting to sleep.
Tonight, I think, will be different. For one, I feel physically exhausted; I was out socially this evening and that is always wearying. Atop that, I was teaching someone how to crochet, and as I am (in my head) a terrible teacher, it takes a bit of energy to make that happen. Add in the fact that my left-handed approach to crochet is somewhat counterintuitive to normal instruction and my student was definitely responding with some of that (as in, I don’t move the yarn — I move the hook. It’s magic), there was definitely a lot of demonstration and explaining repeatedly. Still, she felt like she’d learned something, and I didn’t want to tear my hair out, so we can probably call it a win. And if I zonk out tonight, that’ll be a proper bonus.
<3
Quit It
I’ve got to quit smoking. After picking up the habit again due to dissertation stress, I’m thoroughly addicted. I like …
Posted in Read Along
When You Just Can’t Speak….
Last night, I realized I have this problem. When things happen, it’s like my brain and mouth are not on the same page; I know what I want and need to say in my head, but then around the area of my neck, everything gets lost and I can’t speak. Sometimes it takes me awhile to re-think what I want to say. This happened a lot when I was on meds. I don’t know what my excuse is now…
Here is the story:
I’m in bed last night, and all of a sudden I hear this horrendous noise at the other end of my room. Scared, I reluctantly turn my bedside lamp on. I get out of bed, looking around and too my astonishment, the bar in our closet had collapsed! Not only did it collapse, but it looked like it had been ripped out of the wall, somehow. Very strange. And as you can imagine, my mind was in “What the fuuuuuuuuck?” mode.
I walk out of my room to go down to the basement to tell my husband. Because this is something you tell someone right? I mean it’s not just one of those things where you say, “Oh, by the way…..”
I had two things against me: He had been drinking, and he was gaming.
I am walking down the stairs, calling down to him, and my mind just goes blank. Because I still can’t explain to myself what exactly happened. I tell him “Uh, we have a problem…” And he says… “Ok. what is the problem…?” And that is where my mind got stuck.
I apparently didn’t answer his question quick enough, because he got all pissed off, and was banging stuff down on the desk…
Of course, we start to argue at this point. Because I don’t understand why he is mad/aggravated with/at me.
We get to our room, and I’m trying my best to explain I don’t know how all this happened. And then he gets all defensive, telling me he doesn’t know what I want him to do about it, he can’t fix it right now, blah blah blah….
I explain to him that I wasn’t looking for him to fix it RIGHT NOW! I was just bringing it to his attention. I thought it was kind of important.
Well, we go back and forth, and then he expressed that he is aggravated because it took me too long to answer him.
Really?
Obviously, I ruined his evening. He came to bed all pissed off. Didn’t say good night, Love you, kiss my ass, NOTHING.
He laid there being pissed off, and I just wanted to tell him, “You know what?!?! FUCK YOU!” and go sleep out on the couch. I didn’t want to be near him. I could feel his anger spiking me as if I was in one of those ancient Egyptian contraptions…
He ended up going out in the living room and then I feel asleep. He made his way back to the bed cuz he was there when I got up this morning….
Of course he won’t apologize, because it seems like when he has been drinking, he feels like he does nothing wrong and won’t apologize.
So, I just want to thank him for having no patience for my lack of putting things together from my brain to my mouth. Sorry I didn’t “Spit it out” fast enough and caused you to screw up your game….
Fuck Me! Your being an asshat!
