Daily Archives: August 28, 2012

Rage: Damage Control

One of the things that was the norm in my pre-diagnosis life was rage. I couldn’t think straight, I felt confused and lost and it was incredibly hard to put words in a row in a way that made sense. That’s a big reason why I’m comfier online; it gave me the ability to try to tone myself down. But try is definitely the operative word — I came off angry about pretty much everything because of the sheer force of will it took to make a semblance of sense.

This has, of course, left an indelible stain on my relationships with pretty much everyone. I know how that I came off such a terror that frankly, I can’t blame people for not wanting to interact with me. I won’t apologise either — I was doing the best I could do to get by, and it certainly wasn’t intended to be because of anyone else. I was angry at myself because nothing worked, and no matter how hard one tries to internalized the self-pummeling, it’s still going to come out side-wise. It also doesn’t help that I apparently look the furious part with I am thinking furiously, ha ha!

So then, what is one to do in the face of so many cowed or furious people? I wish I knew a trick, heh. I do my best to be as polite as I can muster (which, to be fair, I was trying to do under all the GRAWAWRR!), and do my best to note when people thank me for not stabbing them in the face. I do my best to accept I have probably damaged some relationships beyond repair, and do my best to not hold that against anyone. After all, we must all engage in the relationships which bring the most to our lives, and someone flipping out on you isn’t an ideal person to keep around. I’m grateful to the friends who understood and still understand, because that helps me analyze how I can be a better friend and a better me.

Part of who I am is the non-stop questing for self improvement. It’s served me well in helping keep me going until I was capable of finding medical help, and will continue to serve me well in trying to strike the balance between medical help, and self-help. I know the value of self-help, and I am at that stage where I accept that further medical help might enable me to make more progress on myself.

For now though, I’m just glad to take a moment to be grateful that I’m not so skin of my teeth as to be constantly angry. It’s not good for the soul, yo.


New House

So, I think that I may have found a new house……as you know there was so much bullshit and drama about my present home from earlier posts. There is a dispute as to actually owns the house, and there have been lawyers and police & papers filed at court…..and I am stuck in the middle, because when we first rented this place, all seemed fine. Then we needed some repairs done here, and that’s when all the bullshit came out. My Husband got involved w/ trying to help, but then things got too messy, we were arguing and just hating being caught in the middle, our relationship suffered, he got too stressed out and then just split [he went back to Canada] and I was left here to deal with all of the crap & corruption. I already posted about my husband leaving, so I won’t go into that again, but a few days after he split, my son & I had to go on our Visa Run [ every 90 days we have to leave CR for a few days to renew our Visas.] We [my son & I] are in the process of applying for permanent residency, and there is a lot of paperwork involved, but once we get residency status, we won’t have to take Visa Runs every 90 days, we will be free to come & go as we please. This is a very good thing, since my son goes to private bilingual school here and I hate having to have him miss school when we have to renew our Visas. We went to Panama again, and it was awesome, I just think Panama & the City is a really fun place to go.

Anyway, besides all of the residency paperwork I have been looking for a new house which has been stressful. I wanted to try and find something in this same neighborhood, but alas, nothing withing walking distance to his little private school.  So, I have been looking at other places, and I found a really sweet place with awesome views, a pool & gardens. It is on a private lane, which is a  cul-de -sac. It has a lovely large stone wall  with planters & a gate at the top of the lane, and there are only 3 houses on the whole long lane, which when you get to the bottom, there is a river &  small waterfall. There is one house at the top of the lane, one in the middle [ soon to be ours] and then one way down at the bottom near the river. The whole lane is probably 2 kilometers long  from top to bottom, and it is very private and lovely. We will see even more wildlife, Toucans, Parrots, Hummingbirds, Monkeys and many butterflies and exotic flowers & fruit trees everywhere. And the view is spectacular, and it is very tranquil there, just what I think we all need after all of the stress we have had here.  Today My Mum & I have to go to the Realtor &  do paperwork. I have to see if my son’s little private school’s buseta [a small bus] will come and pick him up at the top of the lane. I think it will, the school has about 4 of the little private busetas that pick up kids from different neighborhoods. If not, well then I will have to drive him everyday. Whatever, we will figure things out as they need to be taken care of. I have to focus on one thing at a time, or I will go maniacally crazy. I will miss this neighborhood, I liked being close to the school, but it is mostly filled with retirees, there are only about 3 other children besides my son who go to the school, and they are in the upper grades. The new house will be more peaceful, and so private that my son will be able to make as much noise as he wants to, play & explore and take paths up & down the lane to the river. Plenty of room to play Futbol [soccer] and we will put up a basketball hoop for him as well.  The Realtor said that it is sort of like a kids’ paradise, tons of things to do & explore. I agree, and it will also be lovely for me to hike all around without having to leave the lane. I just hope all goes smoothly, I can’t take much more bullshit. Last night I had a few drinks because I just hate pharmaceuticals, and the drinks seemed to mellow me out. I don’t do that very often, but with all of the shit that has been going on I needed something to help me feel better.

As for the Husband, well I have our son call him everyday, though I don’t really speak to him on the phone. It’s better that way, if he has something to say he can email. I try very hard to never say anything negative to my son about his father, though my son understands that father left because he was yelling at me too much, and that father was doing that because he was sad & needed to go talk to a Doctor. He also understands that father will be away for awhile. He is such a good boy, I am very proud of him. As for me, I am trying not to be a nervous wreck, and right now I hope father doesn’t come back for awhile, because I need to get my new life & new house all worked out, and to go see the shrink on a regular basis. I need to figure out what I need, and truth be told, there is so much less tension in the house since he split [there is still crying, but that is done in private & is less & less now] I want a house of peace, love & tranquility, and hopefully this new house will be just what we need. I will do a cleansing ritual before we fully  move in, just to make the place my own. And the best part is that there are stables nearby, so maybe I can get another horse [I had one growing up] and my son has expressed interest in learning to ride, which fills me with great joy! There is nothing like the feeling of freedom when you are horseback riding. I only hope he loves it as much as I do. We shall see, I just hope today goes well. One day at a time is how I have to live right now, or I will truly lose my mind.

Bipolar II Sense of Time – Slow Motion

Bipolar II Sense of Time – Slow Motion