Daily Archives: August 27, 2012

Some Vague Gratitude

I would like to preface this with saying that I’m doing okay, but yanno… in a rather neutral fashion. I’m fine with this; neutral means balance means semi-stability means holding it together.

  1. My kid absolutely loves to draw. If we let her, she’d probably blast through a ream of paper a day. But then, Mommy and Daddy are required to help. This is good for me; as an art school drop-out, I can stand the practice. My base subject is Batman, one of our cats; here’s something I whipped up today.
  2. My husband does most of the cooking for the household because of old health issues of mine. I couldn’t cook if I wanted to eat, because my default nauseated state of pre-child (and pre-pregnancy; I spent some seven years dealing with lots of wiseasses cracking ‘lulzpregnant’ at me because of it). But as much as I liked baking and like baking, it’s a real treat to see the husband trot out his stuff. The smell of bakewells cooling downstairs is delightfully maddening!
  3. I woke up feeling mainly human this morning, but that has a pile of grump to accompany it.
  4. The Kitten Cam — https://new.livestream.com/FosterKittenCam/TheScientistKittens. Watch at your own delight and peril. It fills our house with the noise of ‘awwwwww’ from all parties.

I’m cutting myself off at four because frankly? Now that I’m feeling a bit less depressed, it’s harder to pick out brighter spots, especially at this juncture. Depression might have faded a bit, but racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia have stumped up to take its place. I’ve been managing the insomnia for the past week or two with a small dose of melatonin, but it didn’t cut it last night. And that’s to be expected — I was feeling so dead yesterday morning that I crawled back into bed for a few more hours. I generally don’t nap because (once again, pre-child ill health) naps generally made me feel significantly worse no matter how poorly I felt, and would rob me of any chance of getting to sleep that night (or if I did, it would be sleep racked with sleep paralysis). While naps are slightly safer bets these days, I’m still hesitant because I don’t want to upset the night sleeping schedule; that’s definitely been a big winner in the fight against bipolar. So I accept that last night was a probable side effect of giving in to napitude, but I’m also hoping it will help push back/reset some of the severe morning sluggishness I’ve been having.

Anyways, hopefully tonight will be smooth sailing. I guess that’ll be gratitude #5 if it happens!


DBT Week 15

Blah, blah, blah, DBT. Are you sick of this yet? I figure a bunch of you must be since these …

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It has been a month since my last post, and it has been a very ugly month.  I am alone now, just my Mother, Son & I. My husband went to a therapy appointment  that I made for him, and it was a double appointment because I had to talk to someone about what has been going on here. The therapist was kind, but not very helpful to me, as she was not used to dealing with bipolars, only people with depression. I have to say I was glad that she was upfront about her lack of experience, she is a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist and she said I needed more help than she was able to give. She first spoke to my husband, then to the both of us together[which in my opinion was a huge mistake] and after she saw that her strategy wasn’t working, she sent my husband out to wait whilst she spoke with me. Now, I was agitated, and I am a pacer, I cannot sit still when agitated, and this bothered her very much. That is when she told me that she would give me a referral  to a Psychiatrist, and then she called my husband back in, and had him tell me what his plans were. He then just blindsided me by saying he was going back to Vancouver and that he was leaving on Sunday [3 days from then] He also said he didn’t know when he was coming back, but that he would come back. So he left 3 days later. He said he was not abandoning us, but how do you think I felt? And still feel? He left on August 12th. And you all know about the bullshit with the landlord and all the drama that I posted about, so I have had to deal with people & Lawyers and a child who misses his father and I have never felt more alone in my life. My Mum is a help with my son, but emotionally she is rather cold, the “stiff upper lip thing” and all of that. I am alone, and I cannot cope. I AM ALONE.