Daily Archives: August 21, 2012

Perversely Pleased

It didn’t occur to me until after midnight last night that I’d forgotten to blog here. I thought about backdating just for the same of keeping up my record, but better a broken record than a broken record *rimshot!*. But really, I’ve not had much to say, and while I don’t feel so bad about that on my private blog, I feel worse about it here. I don’t really know who all reads here (say hi sometime, folks!), but I’m sure it gets old to hear that lo, I’m still depressed and trying to keep above water.

Still, this blog is more for me than for anyone else. If there are other people reading and maybe learning something, great. But using it as a tool to make myself think about where I am every day mood-wise is somewhat invaluable. So doing it every day is good, but since I tend to fixate on the doing of that takes something away. Missing a day in the scheme of things is probably better than not in that regard.

So sure, while last night was a bit more of the same, today is very slightly different. I’d forgotten that I’d intended to stay home, and started to get dressed to go to work. That’s encouraging; even if I did end up staying home blind-sided by a near-migraine, I was subconsciously feeling together enough to be okay to ‘risk’ going to work. I don’t know if that makes me okay for something extra like swimming this week (especially knowing that I’ve got two other non-normal things on the books), but I can be totally hopeful that it is a move in the right direction. Yanno, and that it isn’t just the better compared to last week and its component hormones, ha ha.


Sometimes it is strange being me…

So I had to run to the store and purchase a new Brita pitcher because I dropped ours today. I also needed to get some other things. No big deal.

I’m coming out of the store with my purchases, and there is a guy sitting on the bench out in front of the store. And what ran though my head? This: “Hey Mr. Man. Lets FUCK. I’m going to take you to my car, rip your clothes off and fuck your brains out!”

Ok, first of all, where the hell did that come from? He wasn’t even cute! And who am I to think he would even want to have anything to do with me like that? And then I think to myself… “Self, you haven’t had a thought like that in a long time!”

And It was like I was only thinking it and only thinking to do it, to just do it. Just to be…. bad I guess. Inappropriate. But what the hell? I mean really? I did used to have thoughts like that a lot. I never acted on them (with strangers….) but it just scares me sometimes what runs through my mind at the most odd times. I guess that is a BP thing? Or am I just fucking nuts and have something wrong with me? I mean, I am not even aroused or anything. It was just a total random thought.

Please tell me someone else has thought like this before?