Going on two weeks now, I have been in a “I just want to sleep” depression. Which is stupid, since the doctor increased my Effexor, so I should actually be feeling less depressed. Oh, well, it is what it is.
I just live for the portion of the day when I get my kid today and I am free to retire to my bedroom, pop in a movie, and just drift off for however long she will allow me. Which lately has not been much, since she wakes every hour on the hour wanting me to restart her Blue’s Clue’s dvd.
She’s been sick and I haven’t had a sitter, so I have missed two days at the shop, which irks me. Not her being sick, I mean, a cold is hardly fatal. I just feel so much better when I can be useful out there, as opposed to sitting at home vegetating.
We went to my dad’s corner of podunk this morning per his request. Parades bore me. Like, a LOT. Spook got lots of candy, though I don’t think she really understood what was going on.
We went to a couple of yard sales, dad and his gf bought her some winter clothes, which she needs desperately.
Then we ate fried fish at the legion on dad’s dime. That was nice of him.
She’s spending the night with them.
I am forcing myself to go to a cookout R and his wife are having (Jello shots are supposedly on the menu) but I don’t want to. I’m not feeling motIVATED OR social.
I just know I have to MAKE myself fake being a normal person.
And trust me, I am faking it. I had planned on cleaning house and just sleeping a lot while dad has the Spookster.
But an invite is an invite so I will put on my mask and go pretend to be one of the human race.
One of the boys in the trailer park killed one of my outdoor kittens, Lola. Snapped her neck. I can’t prove anything, though. She was buried yesterday. I was soooo sad , she was so sweet and friendly.
Then one of my asshole neighbors told the landlord I let those dog people from next door move in with me.
I don’t know what kind of crack they are smoking, but it’s some heavy shit.
I wouldn’t let that bunch and their dog within a hundred feet of my child.
Suiting because the guy who lived there was in the paper last week,on charges, for fathering a child with a 14 year old girl.
I must face the daunting task of bathing and choosing clean clothes to wear to the shindig.
It really is exhausting, why can’t I just live in pajamas?>
Why did I say I would even go?
Oh, right, to force myself to be normal.
Maybe I don’t want to be normal.
I will go fake it.
I’m pretty good at putting on my mask by now.
It just leaves me feeling so…hollow…and pissed off…and depressed.
Like no one will ever accept me for who I am if I don’t wear the mask and pretend there isn’t an elephant sitting in the room called depression.
But at least Halloween is coming up. That makes me smile.
Ghouls just wanna have fun, ya know?