I can’t stand the noise today

I guess I have a lot on my mind. But I just can’t stand any kind of noise today. I have had headaches off and on this whole week. I’m attributing it to my period. Because that is the only thing I can attribute it to.

I’ve just been so unnerved lately. I’m trying to wrap brain around my empathy. And after doing research on it, I wonder, which came first, the empathy or the bipolar? I’ve been an emotional sponge my whole life. And pieces are finally starting to fall together, but I don’t have answers and I think that is driving me nuts. I have been on this hunt for many years. Then I got diagnosed with BP and was put on meds for what, 6 or 7 years? That certainly deadend everything.

And feelings have been awakening the past year or so, and now I’m left with this… mess of sorts, that I walked away from many years ago.

In the time it has taken me to write this, a whopping 10 minutes maybe? I have had to stop and scold the kids for being too loud. I have asked them to move to another room, of course they wont. So, I think I have to before I just flip the hell out.

There. I changed rooms, but I can still hear noise.

But then when it is quiet, I need some sort of noise to keep the noise out of my head. Makes no sense does it. I guess I just don’t want LOUD noises?

Fuck. I don’t know. I just know I need help, and I am not finding any. I have even reached out to some people who I thought would be able to help me, only to find that no one wants to seem to help me. Which sends the message to me that this is something I need to do on my own… OR… people think I’m fucking nuts.

I can’t win for losing today….

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