So the other day, when I had a mini-meltdown, I was thinking about all the secrets that I hold. All the secrets that only me an another person share. And how none of them are good secrets. And then I wonder why I keep them secrets. And then I realized that I either care too much for others, even when they hurt me, or I don’t care enough about myself to allow others to hurt and violate me like they have, and not say anything about it.
I was never told to not tell anyone. It was just kind of one of those things, that you KNEW you weren’t supposed to tell another soul. Yet, all these years, they have eaten my soul alive. And if I say anything to anyone about them now, letting those secrets out would destroy lives. Even families.
I can’t release them. They would cause far more damage to other people than they would me. But I so desperately want to be free of them. I wonder if it would make me feel better? Or worse? Or if I would feel no change at all? I want to break free of the pain they have caused, but I can’t bare to share that pain with the people that don’t know.
I wonder if the other people think about the things I think about? I wonder if their souls have been eaten alive as well? I wonder if they feel bad about the things they have done. Have they asked for forgiveness from their God? Did their God grant it? And then my mind wanders further… WHY did they invoke so much upon me? What happened to them that made them think that was ok?
I wonder if none of those things happened in my life, if that would make me a different person? Would that have changed the the choices I had made?
I hide it all away. No one will ever comprehend the things I have gone through. People would be shocked, because you see, I appear to be well put together most of the time. But really, I am just a great actress.