Daily Archives: August 1, 2012

August 1

Sorry for the lame title of the blog. But my mind was blank.

I’m battling with the damn insomnia again. I so fucking tired of this shit!  I have to get this under control ASAP because school starts in a few weeks. And I am NOT going to sleep the day away while the kids are gone, I REFUSE! I was to be productive!  The melatonin did help last night, but I didn’t get to bed until  after midnight and I slept until 10 this morning. GRRRRRR…… The past few nights have just sucked. I’ve kinda been bouncing between being level and being hypo. I have had a few blips of depression, but just touches of it, like last night I decided I spend too much time on my computer… I’m just not getting anything out of it right now, it brings me no happiness….  I did close one of my accounts (a gaming account online) so that frees up a bit of time.

I did go shopping for the kids. American Eagle online was having a kick ass sale (still are but selection is kinda crappy now) I got my oldest son 2 pairs of jeans and 2 shirts for 60 bucks. I got the other kids stuff for school, backpacks, lunch bags, and other assorted supplies. And then I transferred money over to cover all that. I went to the grocery last night to buy more fruit and milk and I see now why my grocery bills are damn high! I bought pears, grapes, plums, strawberries, blueberries, nectarines, milk, apples, greek yogurt, some pizza rolls for the kids, and some pretzel rods and nacho cheese for me (it’s that time of the month) and a can of soup…. all of that for 80 bucks! So, today the boys have an eye doc appointment and I hope it doesn’t drain our account.

I have been really hard on myself lately, and I have been very irritable also… I’m just calling it PMS for now. So, I guess I need to get decaffeinated tea to make during the day for my iced tea. Just to try to keep the insomnia monster at bay. I think I will run up to the gas station tonight and buy a couple of Mellow Mood tea’s. Sleep is a trigger for me. Lack of it is what sets me off into a tailspin and that is how the cycle starts…. I have been doing so good un-medicated, that I don’t want to hit rock bottom.

Crawl Upon the Shore

Today, I am almost feeling stable. I don’t really know if that’s because the depression is receding (unlikely), or if event planning plus heavy gaming is hiding it away (very likely). I’m still convinced it’s an acceptable form of busyness, because it keeps my hands and mind occupied and isn’t exactly taxing. There are probably better ways of coping, but I look at it this way – I’m not drinking anymore, or doing drugs, or sleeping around like I did when single, so like… go gaming?

Of course, I laugh at myself reasoning with myself. But I think that’s probably a part of the human condition; we must make sure we agree with what we are doing… sort of. And we are masters of self-deception and maze games; is it any wonder that most people don’t know themselves when they are constantly deceiving themselves as to who they are and what is best? And yet, this sort of thing helps keep my mind lively and dancing and trying to fight the good fight – I want to know me. I want to do what will help me get through until better times. Here’s hoping I can meet at that intersection, eh?

Anyways, for the moment? I’m mainly okay. My skin feels a little thicker, my chemicals don’t quite feel so sad. I can hope it means I’m ticking back up, but alas, depression and bipolar aren’t necessarily straight lines and easy-to-follow waves. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to be optimistic and forward-thinking and cheerful.


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