Monthly Archives: August 2012


Hello tharr!

I know, I missed another day — oh well. There’s not much to report, outside of the continued rise of quasi-anxiety. Like, I’m antsy and twitchy and bored, but there’s no energy behind it. Which is a long-standing annoyance of mine, because people then presume that I’m hyper or full of boundless movement, rather than being like someone electroshocking a dead frog.

Behind that, well… it’s not nice. I can feel my brain wanting to flip out because everything is too the same, even though it hasn’t been lately. I’m not really sure what to do to appease it when it breaks out; there’s nothing I can think of that I could potentially do that wouldn’t wear me out to the point of plunging back into bad depression. Nor am I thinking that adding another thing to the normal routine would be the answer; that would just make the rut of rutting feel even heavier and more crushing.

Anyways, meh. I’ll get through it, and hopefully it will help spur me to be more assertive for myself the next time I see my doctor. I’ve got in mind things I need to ask for, so hopefully I’ll manage to keep hyping myself up for it. I think I can, I think I can, etc.


Weekly Photo Challenge: Free Spirit

Another week, another weekly photo challenge, this time on the theme “free spirit.” I looked through my digital shots and …

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If Only

If Only I had been a better Wife, If Only I had been a better Mother, Lover, Person! I would not be feeling sorrow. If Only I had been able to listen better about what He needed, If Only I wasn’t Mentally Ill.

Bipolar Kills. People and Relationships. It’s pretty fucking sad when you think about it. Problem is, when suffering an episode, I DON’T think, I FEEL. And I can’t remember things that I said at times when I was having the episode, it’s like a white hot blinding flash and I just say stuff that isn’t very nice. And I get a tone of voice that is mean, and I’m pretty much just an impossible moody bitch that no one can deal with for very long. I try to go off and calm myself down, and when I do the sorrow is so deep, the feeling hurts so much that my body feels like it is on fire, I pretty much just collapse………but only for a short time, a few hours, then I pull myself together for awhile, but then a wave of sadness will overtake me and it starts again. It eventually stops. If only I had paid more attention to my Husband’s needs instead of being so emotionally fragile, I could have seen what was happening with him, if only I hadn’t been so selfish…….If only I hadn’t been so needy and dependent on him this may have been avoided.

Damn. I hate myself. And I hate this illness. It just helps to destroy everything that matters to a person.

And I hate needing meds to help me function in normal society.

Damn you,bipolar disorder!!!!!

So…I was going along,doing fine, thinking maybe my current med combo was The Magic Bullet…and I was stabilized.

Then today from out of nowhere, I burst into tears at the shop after several hours of feeling majorly angry.


Like a ninny.

And no matter how hard I tried, I could not keep the tears at bay.

So I fled the shop at 4pm, telling R I was not mad at him but upset at other things…

And he followed me to the parking lot and I just babbled and blathered about all his personal drama weighing on me and Kenny saying I am a contributing factor to his marital problems and my issues with the Donor…I JUST CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE AND I WILL NOT BE THROWN UNDER THE BUS BECAUSE HIS MARRIAGE WAS A WRECK LONG BEFORE I CAME BACK INTO THE PICTURE. At this point, I am studying the A plus certification thing because I want to do better for my child and for myself. If I am deemed the problem, guess who’s going to be thrown under the bloody bus?


I dunno.

I didn’t even cry when presented with divorce papers or a threatening letter pressuring me to sign said papers.

Today the tears just kicked my ass and I could not find the off switch.

I just ended my monthly curse so maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it;s just the ebb and flow of bipolar even medicated. I don’t have a fucking clue except today I pretty much melted down.

And the whole time I was like, bullying myself mentally, because ya know, what employer wants a tear stricken basketcase on their hands?

i just could not hold the tears at bay.

I came home and…I just felt so depressed, so blackened, all I wanted t0 do was curl up into the fetal position.

But I can’t because I have a kid.

What i can do is numb it all with liquor, though I take zero pride in this.

Then R’s wife called me and told me if I needed to vent about the Donor situation, she and R were there for me. Which I thought was very sweet, in spite of Kenny insinuating that I am somehow a bone of contention in the R and Mrs R war.

I really hate Kenny right now.

I shouldn’t, he’s very nice to me, he’s just opinionated and clueless.

So for all my “dark engel” toughness, why am I processing it all this way?

Do I care what he thinks?

Not especially, he’s basically a homeless bum by his own design.

But if he’;s thinking I’;m the problem, how long before others think the same thing and accusations fly?

And I am not entirely convinced R wouldn’t throw me under the bus, especially since his wife gets his kids involved in their fights and they make him feel guilty.

I can’t compete with a man’s wife and kids.

I don’t want to.

I hate drama.

I need this chance to do more with my life, to be more for Spook and myself, so this whole me being part of the problem thing really cuts deep.

I’ve done nothing wrong except evolve. To have a friend ,you have to be a friend. I have been a friend for R. That;s ALL I have done. Why am I being made to feel like scum simply because I am the ex gf?

I think perhaps I am letting Kenny’s insignificant opinion carry too much weight. He doesn’t think couples should have girls’ night and guys’ night out, period.

I learned the hard way, if you don’t give each other space and let the other have their own friends and outings,it’s the kiss of death.\

So why am I letting this man get to me?

Maybe because he is R’s closest male friend and R has always done EVERYTHING by committee, I remember my wardrobe having to pass “child appropriate” status with his neighbor lady. He can’t seem to make his own decisions, everything must be weighed based on what others in his circle think.

This scares me.

And frankly, disgusts me.

Nut up, for fuck’s sake.


Isn’t this proof that I am fine until I have to deal with people long term? Then I start coming to pieces.

99%  of the time I either angry or dead inside.

Today was the 1% when I just crumpled and became a basketcase.


I felt so weak, so pathetic, so…like my former self, pre proper diagnosis and proper medication. Erratic.

But for six months at least, I could not cry.

And then today the dam burst and I became all but catatonic.


I have changed sooooooo much since the advent of the bipolar diagnosis and the mood stabilizers.

Yet here I am, cracking up and looking like the same unstable erratic nutbar.


I am embarrassed, drained, sick of it all.


Every time I think I might be stabilizing something happens like this.

It’[s fucking random.

It may be a response or whatever from outer stimuli…

But I can never be sure what is going to be the catalyst.

The Donor asking for a divorce didn’t demolish me to tears.

The Donor pressuring me to sign the papers and mentioning visitation didn’t reduce me to tears.

Then from out of nowhere a statement from a bloody redneck crumples me.


I just want to be stable. I’m not expecting happy. Just stable.

I can’t even get that for more than  a couple of days at a time.


I wish I could just take a pill to fix whatever is wrong with my brain.

I hope it knows how much I hate it.

Stupid dysfunctional unreliable fucker that it is.


Bipolar,like shit, happens.


Missing Someone

I am so busy lately with the whole moving/old house/lawyer drama, that I have been trying to not think about the big empty hole inside of me, the part where my Husband belongs. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. Even though we were so angry at each other when he left, I still love him and miss him so very much. He & our Son were my whole life, our little family means everything to me. I have been realizing over the past couple of days just how much I do love & miss him, but I am afraid that the job of loving a Bipolar is just too hard for him right now.

I wonder if he will ever be able to Love me again. I hope he will.

Last Cigarette

The good Doctor and I quit smoking this week.  Again. We both used tobacco when we met, but DeeDee decided …

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Upheaval; n. the state of being heaved in the up

I am behind. Again. It;s something that I can’t hide or even continue to deny.  If I didn’t post a daily Mental Moment I might be able to get away with not admitting it but um, yea when you come for the Mentalness of a moment and see nothing there, it is apparent I am … Continue reading


While I’m fairly confident that I’m pulling out of depression a bit (seasonal maybe? Reverse SAD? Will have to ask the doctor), I’ve noticed that awake is trying to push in. It’s insomnia, sort of, in that I’m very very alert at bedtime. I’ve been taking melatonin atop my meds to try and help combat it, and it’s mainly helping… mainly. I’ve had a few nights this week where I’ve been too wiggly and uncomfortable to get settled down, or ‘better’ — the brain just being full-on perky instead of winding down. The latter is preferable to the former, insomuch that there’s a chance of thinking soothing meditative thoughts and getting to sleep.

Tonight, I think, will be different. For one, I feel physically exhausted; I was out socially this evening and that is always wearying. Atop that, I was teaching someone how to crochet, and as I am (in my head) a terrible teacher, it takes a bit of energy to make that happen. Add in the fact that my left-handed approach to crochet is somewhat counterintuitive to normal instruction and my student was definitely responding with some of that (as in, I don’t move the yarn — I move the hook. It’s magic), there was definitely a lot of demonstration and explaining repeatedly. Still, she felt like she’d learned something, and I didn’t want to tear my hair out, so we can probably call it a win. And if I zonk out tonight, that’ll be a proper bonus.


Quit It

I’ve got to quit smoking. After picking up the habit again due to dissertation stress, I’m thoroughly addicted. I like …

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When You Just Can’t Speak….

Last night, I realized I have this problem. When things happen, it’s like my brain and mouth are not on the same page; I know what I want and need to say in my head, but then around the area of my neck, everything gets lost and I can’t speak. Sometimes it takes me awhile to re-think what I want to say. This happened a lot when I was on meds. I don’t know what my excuse is now…

Here is the story:

I’m in bed last night, and all of a sudden I hear this horrendous noise at the other end of my room. Scared, I reluctantly turn my bedside lamp on. I get out of bed, looking around and too my astonishment, the bar in our closet had collapsed! Not only did it collapse, but it looked like it had been ripped out of the wall, somehow. Very strange. And as you can imagine, my mind was in “What the fuuuuuuuuck?” mode.

I walk out of my room to go down to the basement to tell my husband. Because this is something you tell someone right? I mean it’s not just one of those things where you say, “Oh, by the way…..”

I had two things against me: He had been drinking, and he was gaming.

I am walking down the stairs, calling down to him, and my mind just goes blank. Because I still can’t explain to myself what exactly happened. I tell him “Uh, we have a problem…”  And he says… “Ok. what is the problem…?”  And that is where my mind got stuck.

I apparently didn’t answer his question quick enough, because he got all pissed off, and was banging stuff down on the desk…

Of course, we start to argue at this point. Because I don’t understand why he is mad/aggravated with/at me.

We get to our room, and I’m trying my best to explain I don’t know how all this happened. And then he gets all defensive, telling me he doesn’t know what I want him to do about it, he can’t fix it right now, blah blah blah….

I explain to him that I wasn’t looking for him to fix it RIGHT NOW! I was just bringing it to his attention. I thought it was kind of important.

Well, we go back and forth, and then he expressed that he is aggravated because it took me too long to answer him.


Obviously, I ruined his evening. He came to bed all pissed off. Didn’t say good night, Love you, kiss my ass, NOTHING.

He laid there being pissed off, and I just wanted to tell him, “You know what?!?! FUCK YOU!” and go sleep out on the couch. I didn’t want to be near him. I could feel his anger spiking me as if I was in one of those ancient Egyptian contraptions…


He ended up going out in the living room and then I feel asleep. He made his way back to the bed cuz he was there when I got up this morning….

Of course he won’t apologize, because it seems like when he has been drinking, he feels like he does nothing wrong and won’t apologize.

So, I just want to thank him for having no patience for my lack of putting things together from my brain to my mouth. Sorry I didn’t “Spit it out” fast enough and caused you to screw up your game….

Fuck Me! Your being an asshat!