Oh, Mother!

So, lots has been going on since my last post…..

My Mother is finally here! She arrived on the 17th. She is well & happy, and I am very grateful that she is here. I had an awful episode on the 15th which lasted for a couple of days. I was able to get my shit together in time for her arrival, thank heavens. I did not want her to see me all freaked out like that, it is upsetting for her as she is probably reminded of my siblings and their erratic behaviour, and we all know what became of them.

She arrived bearing gifts, as usual. I how have a sleek new HP laptop which is awesome. She bought all kinds of things for all of us, which is really cool. But the best thing is that I now have someone who I can count on for support.  And we all know how important that is. She wants me back in therapy ASAP, and I have to be sure to take my meds.  A small price to pay for my sanity and well being, I guess.

Now about my episode…..

I woke up on Sunday the 15th to angry accusations about something I wrote here on my blog. What a way for a Bipolar type 1 to wake up! I had been hanging on by a thread for the last couple of months, and to be woken like that just set me off in the worst way possible. I felt the anger & sorrow rise in me like a tsunami that is caused by a super earthquake. I went to take a shower to try & calm down, only to start sobbing under the running water, and primal screams were stuck in my throat, which did come out after a minute or so of being in the shower. It was awful. Then when I finished my shower & got dressed, I went outside to speak about what had transpired. I was shaking with anger, and I totally lost control. I attempted to shove the person who was responsible [husband] and wound up getting tossed into the pool fully clothed. HOLY SHIT! I was beyond  anger at that point, all I felt was rage & hate. I wound up saying a few things during my episode, I don’t remember much, but I do remember saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You [husband] have succeeded in finally breaking me down and ruining the stability that I have been working so hard for!”  There was other stuff said as well, but it’s all a blur. And I am not conveniently forgetting, I truly don’t remember! Anyway, I wound up sobbing in the bathroom for awhile, and a friend of ours who was here came into the bathroom and sat with me and was very reassuring. They told me that all of this wasn’t my fault, and that I needed to go to the Doctor & Therapist to help me with my problem, and that I should probably take my meds because I would probably feel calmer. I just cried and cried on their shoulder, and they just kept saying over & over that it wasn’t my fault, and that I shouldn’t worry, everything would be ok. I just love this person, they accept me for who & what I am, and without their support I would have been in Hospital.  I wound up pulling myself together enough to get dressed and then to leave the house with my friend for awhile. My friend spoke to my son whilst I was pulling myself together, and they told me that my son hadn’t heard the ugliness that happened, and that my son was ok, he understands that people have disagreements and sometimes need to go for a walk to cool off. I was so relieved that all was ok with my son, and when I went for a long walk with my friend I was a bit calmer. I had to take a larger dose of mood stabilizer and a Valium, and I brought a 10 mg zyprexa with me just in case I needed it. We were gone for about 4 hours, which helped me immensely. I was still shaky for the rest of the day and the next day. I was so thankful that my friend was around, they know how hard things have been for me and they know about the problems I have been having in my relationship with my husband. My friend was angry with my husband for setting me off, they know how hard I have been trying to keep my shit together for the past few months, and for my husband to wake me up and start bitching about something that didn’t even pertain to him! well, that pissed my friend off.  My friend, whose name begins with A, has a sister who is Bipolar, and A knows that you shouldn’t try and agitate a Bipolar! It’s a really stupid thing to do, especially when you know how fragile we can be & how hard it is to keep moods in check.  Fuck!!! I hate myself, I hate this fucking illness and  I really fucking hate the fact that I need meds & therapy.

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