Daily Archives: July 3, 2012
I know you think I went crazy again… oh well wait a minute.. Ok Let’s try again. The title you may find confusing.. organization of structure? I have a plan… du du dudummmmmm… (are ya feeling it?) It’s ok if you are confused by the titles of these Mental Moments. In fact, it works better for … Continue reading
My hands continue to need to do, but mainly mindless things. I spent last night sewing and crocheting, and tonight I’m going to bake a cake. These aren’t particularly brain-intensive chores. What is brain-intensive is trying to write and research and read — while I’m not sure I’d describe my thoughts as racing, I can’t pin my brain down enough to cognate. It’s mildly distressing because I like spending swathes of my day reading things and learning what’s going on in the world, and my eyes just sort of glaze over at the walls of text. So in that regard, I would be very happy for my brain to check back in and enable me to resume feeding it intellectually. I shouldn’t be that surprised — as much as I’ve been immersing myself in games, it makes sense it would check out on me. I can’t call it lose/lose ’cause I’m still getting some reading done, and still enjoying gaming. I guess it just reaffirms what I said yesterday — I have no idea whether I’m up or down. I just sort of awkwardly am.
.even if you aren´t having fun. Being busy is enough. A few updates:
– Did some serious traveling including having to spend an hour on a bus together with some teenagers who were well on their way to getting drunk. High panic potential, and I won´t lie, I was quite nervous, but I managed.
– Before a very intense day (family celebration and trip) I took a beta blocker (propanolol) which did help to make me less prone to freak out in crowded/chaotic moments. I really need to remind that I have these meds, and can take them whenever I suspect there will just a bit too much action for my frail nerves. The thing is, I have to remember beforehand.. for me, they start working about 2-3 hrs after I take them, so if I am in a panic situation already, no sense in taking them.
– While I did manage during the stressful days, the crash afterwords has been quite violent. My whole immune system more or less up and died, and I have been quite ill both with intestinal and respiratory stuff for nearly a week now and am also suffering from very strong fatigue and muscle/joint pain. These are things which happened under medication too after stressful periods, but a lot less intense. Now, I am completely out of commission. Not funny.
– Must find a way to get a grip on the fingernail biting stuff. It is really getting out of hand. I tried all the usual things, putting hot/bitter stuff on them, paint them, keep the hands covered.. but somehow I always end up biting and nibbling until it bleeds. I can´t believe that just a few months ago I had wonderful, cared for nails. Sigh.
– Started on yet another effort to keep my weight under control. I have arrived at nearly 88 kg, That is 194 pounds. Which means, a BMI of more than 30, which puts me into the heavily overweight category. So not cool. Other than making myself hate what I see in the mirror, it is also very unhealthy. The problem is, cutting down the carbs means automatically increase the anxiety and mess up my brain chemistry. Been there, gotten a whole wardrobe of T-Shirts. I don´t need more serotonine imbalance than I already have. So I need to lower my caloric intake, but still get enough (healthy) carbs into my body to make the brain happy. Not easy due to my gluten intolerance, which does not allow me quite a lot of “healthy” carbs. Those I CAN eat, like potatoes and mais, are caloric bombs, woe me. Anyway. I´m trying.
– Missing physical exercise. With my respiratory system rather completely messed up right now, running, cycling or other intense physical activity is totally out of the question right now. I can barely walk up the stairs without feeling like passing out.
So, is there anything positive to report at all? Not really. But that is just life.. and will get better soon, I hope 😀
Reblogged from bi[polar] curious: For anyone who has ever googled something like, “will combining lithium and alcohol kill me?” -we …
This song was stuck in my head just now, so I decided to post it. Saw these guys at a bar in North Carolina right before they hit the big time… This is one of my favorite songs by them….