Daily Archives: June 20, 2012

Happy Birthday To Me! (And other assorted stories…)

Today is my big 4-0! And while I am enjoying my day somewhat, I didn’t get any cards in the mail (But I did get a TON of “Happy Birthday”‘s from people on Facebook). I got my birthday gift early… On Monday my Kindle Fire came in the mail, and the hubby let me have it then. I am supposed to be getting another package tomorrow (late), and I did get a gift card from my sister in law. But I am not having a party. I’m not having a cake. And I didn’t get to go away as I had wanted to. And while I’m a little sad…. I really am ok with everything the way it is. (I think only a person with Bipolar could understand how I could feel that way… LOL)

I don’t get to “party it up” or be festive. And while I would love to, I’m ok that I can’t.

My husbands grandmother passed away Monday. In her sleep. She has Alzheimer’s, but was also losing a lot of weight and muscle tone, from what I hear.  She wasn’t ”ill” per se, so it was kind of a shock, yet at the same time, every one was kind of expecting her to pass on at any moment. Still, it doesn’t make it any easier… She was the matriarch of a huge family. Everyone loved her so… I only met her once. And that was 14 years ago. And she was welcoming yet old fashioned like my grandma.  So, my husband will be leaving tomorrow morning to drive to Long Island. My oldest son will be going with him, so I feel better about my husband driving 11+ hours.. My husband gets very tired when he drives, and I am the official ”keep him awake” gal. So, my son will take my place. So, because of all that, I am trying to get some laundry done so they have all the clean clothes available to pack, making a “snacks” list so I can run up to the store later tonight to pick that stuff up, and in general, just sad… because losing anyone is painful. And I empathize with his family.

So, what has this taught me? Not even on your birthday is it all about you….

And that is ok. Sad, but ok.

So that’s why they call them happy pills

In a genius move, I went to the shop yesterday…and forgot to take my meds.

He he he he.

I now know why they are called happy pills.

Kenny was rattling on about several things, the man is a little too opinionated for my tastes, especially when it comes to subjects like women, child support, and child rearing. He reminds me so much of The Donor at times I want to throttle him as a proxy. This man didn’t raise his son, didn’t want his son, and resents paying child support on him and thinks all women are out to trap men for their money. Hmm…Rings several bells.

He was on his soapbox, because there was some baby daddy drama on a talk show and DNA proved the guy fathered the woman’s baby…and she was relieved he’d have to start paying child support. And he went on about how women don;t care about the wellfare of the child, they just want the money. Um, part of a child’s well fare IS the financial support, you stupid fuck.

I blew up. I practically yelled, “No, you got fucked over by one woman who got knocked up and so you have had to pay 18 years of child support and now all women are evil bitches after your money!”

I surprised myself with my viciousness. Probably because I spent three years restraining myself when the Donor spouted off about the same sort of things. I didn’t restrain myself today, I was just bloody angry.

Then I realized why I was so angry.

Ha ha ha, forgot to take the happy pills.

I did not apologize.

He laughed.

End of story.

I’d still be fighting with the Donor about it.

God, it’s nice to deal with semi normal people again who don’t send shrapnel flying by falling apart over the truth.


The cold continues unabated, and focus? What’s focus? A. Patient over at Mood Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, granted me a blogging award last week, for example — that email is still sitting in my inbox taunting me. I totally do intend to take it and pass it on in a limited capacity, but I’ve not been able to tie my brain down enough to think about it. I’ve gotten as far as thinking, ‘You should fish out a notebook and write things down!’… but the notebook still sits in my backpack. I’m just sort of… ‘Game forever!’, heh. Stuff is still sort of getting done, and I’m still planning on getting out of the house tonight for Stitch ‘n Bitch. I even baked two loaves of banana bread this week. So like… I’m still doing things that I enjoy, and I think I’m still deriving enjoyment… but it’s still sort of blankly existing.

With very little focus.

Oooh, shiny, etc.

Well. There’s also the rise of the annoyancebots inside of me. I can’t decide if I’m generally annoyed right now, or if they’re hiding just beneath the skin. I do feel shorter-fused, but there’s nothing much I can do for that besides trying to breathe slowly and evenly, and keeping my mind blank.

In, and out. In and out. And sloooooooooooooooooowly roll.


now i know what narcolepsy feels like

just kidding; i have no idea.  but it has felt like i have something approximating narcolepsy since yesterday.  i only got 5 hours of sleep Sunday night which then led me to REQUIRE another 6 hours of sleep during the day Monday.  despite my lengthy nap, i could not keep my eyes open past 11:30pm, when i crashed out for another 12 hours.  you would think i would be rested again but no.  i have had to take 2 naps today just to get by.  i’d probably still be sleeping right now if it weren’t for my therapist appointment.

speaking of therapy, i’ve been seeing this woman for about a month now.  she specializes in mood disorders, especially bipolar.  she’s been hesitant to diagnose me without getting to know more about me first.  today i asked what her opinion is, and she said she also thinks I have bipolar 2.

i’ve got a lot of mixed feelings about this.

for one, it’s a relief because my decision to start medication has been vindicated to some degree.  i’ve taken a nontrivial amount of grief for that from various people who didn’t believe my first opinion and wanted me to get a second opinion first.

second, i feel sad.  this is a bit surprising to me, since i had already felt at least some level of acceptance of the diagnosis.

third, i feel uncomfortable because i don’t yet know the impact this condition will have on me and my life.

fourth, i simultaneously feel scared people will find out, but i also want to tell a lot of people.  i don’t want to hide from it.

fifth, i feel blank.