Daily Archives: June 19, 2012

Little Miss Neurotic

Two days now.

Two days of going to the shop and counting down the minutes because I can’t sit still and my skeleton is crawling out of my skin and my anxiety is at fever pitch.

I even made a special trip home today because I felt so out of sorts, I needed to make sure all was okay at home. No fires, no vandalism, power still on (fuckers still haven’t moved that fence next door so I am living in goddamned terror and the landlord won’t do a fucking thing!). Only once I saw my sanctuary was still in tact could I return to the shop and feel calm(er).

I’m also getting that familiar old “gotta be home before 5pm” anxiety. I have no idea why. During the winter it was because it got dark so early and my sight for driving at night is crap.

Now, I don’t know what it is, it just feels compulsory that I be in the door as close to 4:40 pm as possible.
I hate living like this, it’s not living at all, it’s existing and freaking out every moment of said existence.

I try to talk myself out of it, I try to shock myself out of it. Nothing works.

The Abilify is doing fuck all for the paranoia because, as I tried to tell her, the paranoia is born of anxiety. An increase in Xanax would be more helpful for the paranoia.

I’m just the patient, though, I don’t know anything.

I’m also particularly bitchy because of the heat.

Nearly ripped Kenny’s head off, but damn, he was pissing me off. He says some stupid shit at times.


One more day in the petri dish survived, now just to survive a sweaty evening at home.


Too Busy To Post

It has been a few intense weeks and somehow I never got around to updating. So, bullet point time for the situation – it is about a month off the meds now

  • over the last days tending towards the manic. Probably because of lots of light which always makes me feel less depressed, but ups the hyper-ness. 
  • Sleep: rather bad. I can get more than 3 hours of continuous sleep only taking my anti-allergy meds, I don´t have any other sleeping meds at the moment. Trying to not take the allergy meds not more than twice a week because I am afraid they´ll lose their efficiency. It is just too precious to have something which makes you reasonably drowsy but not completely messed up the morning after.
  • OCD: Getting a bit worse all over. Nothing really crazy, but stuff out of order starts really to bother me again.
  • Emetophobia: Not perceptibly worse, I was feeling nauseous a few times and took something for it, but didn´t panic particularly. 
  • Social Phobia: Holding up well. Had guests last week, and while I was a bit nervous and stressed from time to time, it did not compromise the positive experience of having those friends staying at my place. Which I am very grateful for! It has to be said that it was not a stressful visit, because the friends are very understanding, uncomplicated and give me space to “recover” when needed 😀
  • Agoraphobia: It has gotten a bit more difficult to force myself to go out in “crowd” situations. I am not giving in though. 
  • General Anxiety: Somewhat worse. I do find myself quite often all tensed up and breathing shallowly, until now though it has been manageable with deep breathing and conscious relaxation. No real panic attacks, I sure hope it stays that way.
  • Self-Control: A bit worse over the last week, have eaten a lot more than necessary. Still better than on the meds though. Finger nails are bitten down to the quick. 
  • Procrastination: Not significantly better. 
  • Creativity: Stalling over the last week due to lots of other activities
  • General Health: A bit worse. Intestines were better under meds, also, joints ache much more now. No increased headache until now, fortunately, not even under PMS. Period extremely regular. 

All in all, things seem positive, I really can´t complain. I need to increase physical exercise, which should help with the anxiety. And eat less. For the rest, I just hope the manic stuff doesn´t get worse. 

I’m alive!

I haven’t been here for a couple days… I’ve been busy with life. Didn’t go to the Casino yesterday, we had to cancel. I spent the night with my bestie on Saturday night to help take care of her a bit. She goes back to work today, I hope she is up for it.

Got an early birthday gift yesterday! A kindle Fire! OMG that this is amazingly awesome! Tomorrow is the big day though… the big 4-0! I decided to not go out for dinner, and to just try to find some kind of caramel cheese cake to celebrate…. but that may change… I do have bipolar after all! LOL 

Just heard word last night that my husbands grandmother has passed away. I really don’t understand his mothers family…. I don’t understand his mother…. If it were my family, my sister and I would have been kept up to date on grandma’s progress (well, we were kept up to date) and we would have been notified immediately when she had passed, with details… (well, we were!) But my husband just got a email from his dad saying that his grandmother had passed, and that was all the details he had…) It’s day 2 now, and my husband has not received any more information. He doesn’t seem to be too bothered by this, and he is still trying to process that she is gone, but I think he might be able to start to process things, if he knew what happened. All we knew is that she suffered from Alzheimer’s. We were never told of her being sickly in any other way… I am kind of upset for my husband. That he is being left out in the dark and all….. But I guess in the end it isn’t really “my” problem? Ugh, I dunno….

Today is going to be hotter than Hades here… a high of 95 and it’s going to be humid too…. I want to get my coffee down, and get some breakfast so I can get out and do a bit of yard work or take the girl child to the park that you can drive to… LOL Hell, maybe I will take her out to McDonalds too!

Little Tics

I’m still rocking this cold, and if anything, it’s worse today. It hurts my jaw when I sneeze, my ears keep popping, and there’s a heavier layer of woozy. Which means I’m freely, though cheerfully complaining… and I will continue to. I don’t tag myself as whiny, but I DO complain about things that annoy me (such as being sick) freely. Why? Because that’s my version of letting go; by getting it off my chest to a (hopefully!) willing audience, I pass it from something that can bother me to something that is released and beyond my control. That isn’t to say I’m going to sit here and refuse to blow my nose ’cause it hurts, or that I’m not going to take medicine — I’m just hitting acceptance that it is what is for the time being.

I admit — one probably could throw it firmly into the compulsion basket. I have to do this; times where I am prevented to by an unwilling audience telling me to shut it has reduced me to tears. I once even fled my house and hid out at a nearby park for an hour once after being told to shut up by an unreceptive boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, obviously – as if one should marry someone who can’t handle tiny grumbles!). I also think it better to get it out rather than bottling it until some large explosion occurs — anger is addictive, and I would prefer to not succumb to constant rage. It damages a person body and soul. Oh sure, we NEED to get angry sometimes as that’s natural. And I’m sure people who I haven’t talked to for years think me an angry person; anxiety doesn’t lend itself well to sublime calm. But if I had to pick between the two, I’d opt for calmer with a little grumble, rather than everything risking a conflagration because there is no space for logic to work its soothing magic. Even at my worst, letting it out in tiny gasps as I can has done a lot to keep things from being worse.

So then, grumble ahoy! My face pressure is so borked that my jaw hurts when I blow my nose — I have never experienced such a thing in my life! I am fairly woozy, my throat is somewhere between sore and mucus-laden, my sinuses are shoving more mucus into my mouth. But on the upshot, I can still breathe nearly fully clearly, my bones and muscles as a whole don’t ache, and in spite of my head pains, I don’t really have anything resembling a headache. So yanno… there’s my grumbles released into the wild through a couple of mediums, and hopefully I’ll not feel the need to repeat myself tomorrow. I probably will, ha ha, but that’s okay too. I’m not demanding anything by them — I’m just letting them go. :)