Daily Archives: June 18, 2012


The only thing rattling around in my head right now is snot – joy! I think I might have to make some heavily peppered chicken noodle soup to see if it helps aerate my poor nasal passages — it’s good comfort food, and it might do a teense better than Lemsip/Theraflu (which isn’t cutting it at all right now). Past that, I’m continuing to do my best to stay positive and cheerful and not let physical or mental blahblahblah get to me. I’m still fairly empty-minded, for which I’m grateful. The only downside is that means there’s no real line of defense if/when intrusive or negative thoughts show up, but if I can keep applying the idea of worrying about stuff later… we shall see. For now? A bit of Lord of the Rings Online, popping open a window for some fresh air, and then back to trying to be vaguely productive.


The daily trudge uphill

Some days are better than others.

Some days I am functioning at a deficit.

There are times I wind myself up and operate on auto pilot because otherwise, I don’t think I’d function at all. It’s pretty sad when you have to repeat a mantra, do it, just do it, be done with it…Just to do basic things like run errands, wash dishes, feed yourself.

I hate this part of depression and bipolar worse than anything.

This is simple mundane shit. It should be automated. I get overwhelmed so easily…It embarrasses me because I do not consider myself weak and yet, the depression makes me feel weak.

I hate the anxiety that makes me retreat into myself because otherwise I can;t handle people around me all the time.

I hate the panic that only responds at times to vodka or whatever else I can use as emotional novacaine.

I have become so restless I can’t stand waiting to fall asleep, and I get irate when the Trazadon doesn;t kick in fast enough to suit me.

Just writing this has been a trudge uphill because my mind is so cobwebbed.

Is it just  me?

I sometimes wonder. Maybe I am just lazy and shiftless.

I dunno.

Now to trudge uphill further by clicking the publish button.