I take the smegging meds…still I cycle, and feel great and feel shitty. It’s frustrating beyond words.
Today, my paranoia is back ten fold, looking at the mail box like a ticking bomb, fearing the worst every time my nose or ear itches because of idiotic superstitions my mother instilled in me.
I was manic earlier, like happy cheerful dancing about manic. Part of it was self forced amping up, because the energy at the shop was devoid.
Now I am down.
I am suspicious.
Had on line plans with a friend.
Friend should have been home from work by now.
Is she blowing me off because I am just too boring? Is she blowing me off because her depression is lesser and she thinks I am going to bring her down? Her response to me since I got my net back has been distracted and lukewarm. She says it’s not and I am stuck with her for life but…something feels off. And here I am, cycling into paranoid needy bitch territory. Pathetic, I am. I can’t even bring myself to confide in her because I spent three years being lied to by a man I loved enough to have a child with, so now I just assume everyone is being deceptive.
I know it’s unfair but my fear is all encompassing.
To make myself feel less loser-ish, I dubbed myself bipolar goddess earlier today.
It’s not really helping in the midst of this mood crash.
Plus my laptop is acting spazzy and that has me freaked out.
Now I’m feeling shitty for questioning my friend, maybe I got her shift wrong or she had to stay over or she had a mood crash…
The only feeling I have with any consistency as far as myself is concerned is self loathing.