Daily Archives: June 11, 2012

I take the smegging meds…still I cycle, and feel great and feel shitty. It’s frustrating beyond words.

Today, my paranoia is back ten fold, looking at the mail box like a ticking bomb, fearing the worst every time my nose or ear itches because of idiotic superstitions my mother instilled in me.

I was manic earlier, like happy cheerful dancing about manic. Part of it was self forced amping up, because the energy at the shop was devoid.

Now I am down.

I am suspicious.

Had on line plans with a friend.

Friend should have been home from work by now.

Is she blowing me off because I am just too boring? Is she blowing me off because her depression is lesser and she thinks I am going to bring her down? Her response to me since I got my net back has been distracted and lukewarm. She says it’s not and I am stuck with her for life but…something feels off. And here I am, cycling into paranoid needy bitch territory. Pathetic, I am. I can’t even bring myself to confide in her because I spent three years being lied to by a man I loved enough to have a child with, so now I just assume everyone is being deceptive.

I know it’s unfair but my fear is all encompassing.

To make myself feel less loser-ish, I dubbed myself bipolar goddess earlier today.

It’s not really helping in the midst of this mood crash.

Plus my laptop is acting spazzy and that has me freaked out.

Now I’m feeling shitty for questioning my friend, maybe I got her shift wrong or she had to stay over or she had a mood crash…

The only feeling I have with any consistency as far as myself is concerned is self loathing.

I think mental illness is the cruelest illness sometimes. I just hit a news site and there’s a picture of a guy, WITHOUT ARMS, and he just swam 2 miles or some shit. Without arms.

And here I am every day, feeling like I can’t take one more step, like my mind is going to burst into flames or shatter into pieces…and this guy is swimming with NO ARMS.

I feel like a loser sometimes.

Like today, running errands, and Spook is just so energetic and a handfull, and it was stop here, stop there, and I just wanted to curl up out of exhaustion.

Then I think of people who have bunches of kids under age 5 and drag them everywhere and it’s like, omg, what kind of a wuss am I?

Am I just a whiner? I’ve heard that before, although from people who don’t believe mental illness is real, so obviously they’re ignorant.

I don’t believe I am a whiner. Everything I put into this blog is truth.

I guess if a disability is in your mind, it’s somehow less valid.

But I mean, THE GUY SWAM 2 MILES WITHOUT ARMS!!!!

How can I not feel like a loser?

How do I stop being a loser when my own mind is my worst enemy?

Gahhhh.

I know better than to hit the news sites, they just bring me down and send me into a panic.

Bloody hell.