Nowhere to Turn

I’m still livid about last night. But what has made it worse, is that I never got an apology. And when I brought this up, I was told that he didn’t know what he needed to apologize for…. Really? And he didn’t want the apology to be empty. In turn I said, if I had to tell him what he needed to apologize for, it would still be an empty apology… so I wasn’t going to tell him what he needed to apologize about. He should think about it and get back to me… But I wasn’t holding my breath.

I’m so fucking snarky when I’m mad. 

But really? he doesn’t know what to say sorry about? Here is a list of what I think he needs to be sorry about:

  1. Not responding to my 2 text messages that I sent 
  2. Not bringing my kids home when he said he was going to.
  3. DRINKING after he broke down on Friday and told me he had a problem, when he drinks he can’t stop, and he makes excuses to do it.
  4. Not being able to speak to me in a coherent fashion last night when he DID some home.

We don’t fight often. Hardly ever. And it’s usually me that gets ticked off about something. But I think I am justified in being pissed off… Would you agree?

And then my 18 year old is here today… and told me I’m stupid for not telling him I loved him when he left to go pick up his vehicle. And if something happened to him I would beat myself up because I didn’t tell him I love him because I am mad at him for something “stupid”. I told her she didn’t even know what I was mad about. I don’t want to tell her everything that has happened this weekend. She just knows he got drunk last night and that I slept on the couch. That is all she needs to know right now. 

But I need to talk to someone about this, and I have no one to tell. I could talk to my sister, but she will have no advice. I could talk to my mom, but she would just get pissed. I could talk to my BFF, but she isn’t home plus he is home so it’s not like I can say anything to anyone…

Inside I am dying. My heart hurts so much. And I know to some of you, this must sound so damn petty… But this is a huge hairy deal…

I’m thinking about Alanon. Because I need to turn to somewhere for help. Because I am just so fucking mad at him right now. And right now he needs help and support, not anger. And I know this, but all I can think about is how much he has pissed me off and hurt ME…. I’m so fucking selfish.

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