Daily Archives: June 7, 2012

Panic versus paranoia

My shrink thinks my paranoia is the cause of my panic and anxiety.

I think she’s on crack.

My paranoia stems from my panic and anxiety.

Face it, I get heart palpitations looking at the mail box because I don’t know what awaits me there and I fear I will freak out and not be able to deal.

THAT, folks, is panic.

If the doctor listened to me at all, she would be able to discern this.

Just like today. One more day of eyeballing the mail box with a pounding heart, suspicious mind, and sheer terror.

I am paranoid of the neighbors slashing my car tires.
I am panic stricken by not knowing what monkey wrench life will throw my way next.

Now, if I am the crazy one and have this much insight into my own issues…

I have to wonder if this psych doc got her degree from a box of Cracker Jacks.



Exercise Doesn’t Really Help Depressed People

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook this morning and I thought it was interesting enough to share over here. Do you exercise? How does it make you feel? Does it make rainbows and sparkles beam out of your pores? Or do you feel just as horrible as you did before if you do things during a depressive episode?


Exercise Doesn’t Really Help Depressed People

The Tell

I’ve realized in the past two or three years that I have a tell as to when the soul-sucking part of depression is coming home – I start thinking about men not my husband. Not in a ‘running away!’ sort of way, just… ohai, X or Y are cute and we really do have so much in common and wouldn’t've been lovely if we had ever been an item, etc? While it’s not anathema to think thoughts of other people outside of my marriage, it does concern me. I’m a one-person woman, and that goes for what’s in my head as well. When I start getting squishy thinking about someone else… that’s when I know to brace myself for a period of bad. It’s my brain trying to destroy me with cheerfulness first. When I shoot that down, it will start fixating on something stupid, like my husband not doing something incredibly minute (which means he doesn’t love me), or that someone in my family over here is picking on me and that I am stranded here and oh god I cannot escape… when it’s usually me and my anxiety driving me so far past the point of reason that there is no room for logic and sense.

Lots of fun, eh?

Still, I know these tells and signs now. I am medicated, so I’ll win… hopefully. I really don’t know. I’ll have to take it as it comes like everything else, and hope that I know enough now to stop myself before I feed the internal troll. That’s a hard battle to win, as it’s very damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Even if you DO manage to stop a destructive cycle, you’re left just as weak and worn out (if not more); it sometimes feels easy to give in to the ‘inevitable’. And to be fair, sometimes giving in and going into full-blown depressive self-destruction mode DOES get it over and done with faster than a day or two of feeling slightly off-balance, wary of the next intrusion or attack upon a compromised mental health position. I’ve heard it said that if you can regularly win the skirmishes, it will win you the battle in the end because you’ll successfully reprogram yourself around those things. It will be interesting to confirm the veracity of that, but that’s definitely going to take a lot of inner strength (which isn’t exactly at its highest when in a depressive phase).

Anyhoos, off to flop on the floor and take some deep breaths. That’s usually good for something!


Doctors are the reason people eat their guns

Saw the shrink yesterday.

Two months ago I got a lecture for losing too much weight too fast.

I gain 14 pounds in two months after my meds get tweaked and Abilify is thrown in the mix, and now I am being chastised for gaining too much weight too fast.


It was truly a what-the-fuck moment, I almost wanted to laugh at the asinine nature of it.

Of course, by then they’d kept me waiting so long and I was so anxiety ridden, I was probably a little snarky, so maybe I took it too personally. I know the part where she lectured me for not getting the blood work done because Abilify can mess with your blood sugar and cause diabetes was awesome. It gives me hope that one day soon I can get in on one of those ambulance chasing TV lawsuits. You know the ones: “If you or a loved one suffered heart failure, kidney failure, internal bleeding, anal leakage or death…You may be entitled to compensation.”

Compensation, hell!

If their drug killed me and I am able to file a lawsuit from my grave I’m going on Springer!

Yes, I know, I’m just not right.

She tried to mess with my Xanax again. I vetoed it. I am a strong willed bitch.

The rest stayed the same, sans Abilify being increased and her removing the evil elavil in favor of the evil Trazadone.

Apparently, she is very concerned with my screwy sleep patterns.

Welcome to the manic season of bipolar, Doc. By fall I’ll be right back to going to bed at 7 pm and sleeping 9 hours a night because life is too sucky to stay awake for.

Needless to say, the whole weight thing made me feel like crap, and I think doctors are the reason some people opt for suicide. You just get so sick of hearing the same shit every time because you can’t win.

She also frowns upon my imbibing of tasty vodkas and such. (I had black cherry Southern Comfort sample the other day, wow, that shit is caustic!) but I like sample day at the liquor store so she can sue me. And file a suit against UV for making vodka taste like candy, the evil bastages.

It’s almost 3 am. I slept my requisite two hours.

I should clean.

I  don’t think it’s going to happen.

Anyway…that was how my shrink appt went.

Now…I’m going to do some research on how to get in on one of those lawsuits for the people meds have caused death in. I totally think that’s a ka-ching! situation.

Pay the ghoul.

I’m getting my coffin pimped out.


N-Acetyl Cysteine Effective for Bipolar Depression (mobile format)

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/744371 Well, dear readers, I have some really good news for us all. I am particularly personally pleased about this, because today I began having those nasty creeping feelings of incipient depression. Having had a nice long remission (thank G-d), with a bit of hypomania to spice things up, I am not looking forward to the down side of the equation. But there is hope on the horizon! Just today this article on the efficacy of n-acetyl cysteine (NAC) flashed across my medical literature radar. I pounced on it like a hungry lioness. As a pediatrician, I’m familiar with NAC from its other uses: intavenously, for protecting the liver after acetaminofen overdose; and inhaled, for liquifying sticky lung secretions in cystic fibrosis. There is a growing fan base among athletes for NAC, as some feel it enhances performance. According to the above linked article, there is now good evidence to support that. NAC assists essential metabolic processes that enhance the function of the body and the mind. As is my previous post about metabolic syndrome in the brain, scientists are finding that the biochemistry of the brain is a lot more similar to that of the body than was previously thought. For instance, we know that inflammation in the body can cause all kinns of ills, so we might take antiinflammatory supplements or, even better, eat an antiinflammatory diet. This article points out that inflammation can also happen in the brain, setting off a cascade of ill effects, including triggering bipolar depression, which is notoriously difficult to treat. This gives us a window to wonder whether perhaps the biochemical/electrophysiological profile of bipolar depression might be different than that of unipolar depression. Bottom line: NAC was forms to be very safe and effective as an ad-on to the meds the patient was talking already. The dose in the study is 2000 mg, once a day. I have seen other dosing schedules that also worked, in some very promising studies on using NAC in autistic children to reduce distressing behaviors instead of using antipsychotics. The biggest challenge right now seems to be getting hold of the stuff, since it is so popular with the athletes, who no doubt feel like a million bucks. I’m definitely going to try this one. I sure hope it saves me from another round of rTMS. The old brain is not sure she can take that kind of pounding any time soon. If you decide to try NAC, I’d really appreciate it if you world keep in touch and let me know how it goes.

Copyright 2012 Laura P. Schulman all rights reserved