Here we fucking go again….
Have I mentioned yet how much I hate having Bipolar? Have I yet mentioned living with someone who is not very supportive, likes to sweep things under the rug, and how much it pisses me off? No? Well….
I love my husband… I really really do. But damn! Thank God he does not suffer from any type of ailments mental or physical. And apparently never has according to his father. He doesn’t understand being sick at all. Especially if you can’t see it.
I’m having a difficult time right now. I’ve been watching myself slowly go out of control. Nothing horrible, yet… But still, I’m noticing changes in the manic direction. I’m still “here” and everything is ok, but I don’t know how to handle things. This is year one on no meds… my first summer with no meds. Last summer I stopped a few months in the summer, so I still had some medication in my system, but now I have NOTHING! So, this is a whole new experience for me.
My mind has been fucked. Example: I had a 5 minute conversation with my mother the other day, I got off the phone, and I had no idea what the hell we talked about. My husband had to tell me what he thought we talked about, going by my end of the conversation that he overheard… I was cooking dinner yesterday, and had the timer on the oven on. Oven was not yet on. The timer went off, I sat and thought about it for a few moments, and then yelled at my husband to get out of the way because there will still pans in the oven and they were getting ruined! Yeah… remember, I said oven was NOT on…. :/
Those are just a couple of examples of my memory issues as of late. I have moments of being so damn tired. but not mentally, just my body, aching, and sticking in place. My temper is easy to light. I have been extreemley sensitive to light lately as well. Not my skin, just my eyes.
Some of this stuff I don’t know if it is the BP or if it is something else that is wrong with me (thyroid, lupus, arthritis, Fibromyalgia, take your pick!) I need to go back to the doc and get my labs done to check on my liver, Vit. D, Lupus, and thyroid so I can figure out what the hell I am dealing with right now and tackle it.
It’s crazy week on Discovery Health and Fitness channel. I watched a show called Bipolar Mysteries last night, it was about kids with Bipolar, and it was like watching a movie about my youngest. :/ Then I watched a show after that, about a little girl who has Schizophrenia…. That was like watching my little girl too. I am anxiously awaiting her to start school so I can see how she acts. She might act differently in around other people that us. Or she may not. I don’t fucking know.
All I do know, is that I’m slowly losing control, but I’m trying to hang on to the shreds of reality around me to keep in the here and now. I have even started popping the Melatonin again at night, cut this girl ain’t sleeping! No bueno!