So, since going off meds, I have been trying to get my shit together. Trying to eat better, trying to get more active, and trying to lose some weight and get in shape. Take pride in my home… all that stuff I didn’t really do while on meds. Now,a little history lesson for y’all… I have a history of leaving my husband when I get manic. And when I leave my husband I mean, move out, get my own place or go live with someone else, or kick HIM out and then do the nasty with other… people. I am ashamed of my past indiscretions, but it is what it is. I was out of my mind and fucked up… (literally I guess you could say)… And the pattern goes something like this: Get a major overhaul on myself (usually out of the ordinary hair style or tattoo), get a job, and then cut the ties….
Fast forward to now….
My youngest starts kindergarten when school starts back up in August. So, that will leave me here alone with nothing to do. My husband has hinted around at me getting a job. And while I am not happy about it, I don’t have a problem looking for a job or working at all. My resume is interesting, but sucks. And my memory sucks, so filling out an application is going to be difficult, because I have not held a job in at least 5 years. I have been a stay at home mom all through my kids child hood. And While we are not rolling in the dough, my husband does make enough money to keep us above water and living somewhat comfortably. I would like to have my own money though, because well… I love to shop, and I have my eye on a Coach bag.
The other day we were having casual conversation with the oldest child, who is really not a child anymore, but I digress… We were talking about employment. And how I had to go look for a job now since Sara would be going to school. And then the husband got a little upset… Not mad or pissed, but uncomfortable I suppose… And I was confused…
me: “I thought you said I had to get a job?”
him:”No. I just thought you would be bored being here alone all day. I am perfectly happy with you staying home all day if you want to keep house and do that sort of thing.”
me: BLINK BLINK!
This is where the confusion sets in… What? He WANTS me to stay home? I thought he was so worried about having money? Brain. Can’t. Function.
And then he said it.
“That is how it starts you know. You get your hair done. You get a car. You get a job. And then you leave.”
I get it now. And I can’t say that I blame him. He thinks I’m getting ready to hit my manic roadshow and leave him for the 4th time. Or is it the 5th?
I’m totally not in that frame of mine. I just want to have a life. I just want to be a person. I even thought about maybe volunteering up at one of the schools? Taking yoga classes in the morning twice a week. Something. But not leaving. I’m too lucky to have a person who still loves me after putting him through so much crap. Nope. Not leaving.