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In Memoriam
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Daily Archives: May 30, 2012
Online Suicide Help
Posted in Read Along
‘Metabolic syndrome’ in the brain: deficiency in omega-3 fatty acid exacerbates dysfunctions in insulin receptor signalling and cognition
The Metabolic Syndrome http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004546/is a phenomenon having to do with insulin resistance, meaning that the body’s utilization of insulin in the process of converting sugars to energy is blunted, and the energy is instead stored as fat. The abnormal conversion to fat also causes clogged arteries, leading to an increased risk of heart disease and stroke.
This article describes how rats which are fed a high fructose (fruit sugar) diet develop insulin resistance in the brain. Since the brain can only utilize glucose as its sole fuel, a malfunction of the insulin-glucose system is disastrous for cognition. This corroborates what we see in “real life,” that eating a bunch of sugary stuff makes us feel like crap after the high wears off. And mind you, this study used fruit sugar, which supports my rant to parents that the fruit juice they pour into the little darlings is no better for them than sugar water (gasp).
Interestingly, rats whose diet was lacking omega-3 fatty acids had a much worse time dealing with sugar-on-the-brain than rats who had normal omega-3 intake. And even better, rats who were supplemented with omega-3s showed a protective effect from sugar overdose.
Does this mean that if we plan to pig out on chocolate (or grapes!) we should pop a few omega-3 caps beforehand to avoid the post-sugar crash?
Not really, but it does mean that we should take our intake of sweet foods seriously, and that includes fruit, which has always had such a good reputation as a “good for you” food. It is, in moderation, like everything else.
And it provides us with yet another good reason for eating foods high in omega-3 fatty acids, like fish and nuts (in moderation). Truly “brain foods.”
Posted in Read Along
‘Metabolic syndrome’ in the brain: deficiency in omega-3 fatty acid exacerbates dysfunctions in insulin receptor signalling and cognition
The Metabolic Syndrome http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004546/is a phenomenon having to do with insulin resistance, meaning that the body’s utilization of insulin in the process of converting sugars to energy is blunted, and the energy is instead stored as fat. The abnormal conversion to fat also causes clogged arteries, leading to an increased risk of heart disease and stroke.
This article describes how rats which are fed a high fructose (fruit sugar) diet develop insulin resistance in the brain. Since the brain can only utilize glucose as its sole fuel, a malfunction of the insulin-glucose system is disastrous for cognition. This corroborates what we see in “real life,” that eating a bunch of sugary stuff makes us feel like crap after the high wears off. And mind you, this study used fruit sugar, which supports my rant to parents that the fruit juice they pour into the little darlings is no better for them than sugar water (gasp).
Interestingly, rats whose diet was lacking omega-3 fatty acids had a much worse time dealing with sugar-on-the-brain than rats who had normal omega-3 intake. And even better, rats who were supplemented with omega-3s showed a protective effect from sugar overdose.
Does this mean that if we plan to pig out on chocolate (or grapes!) we should pop a few omega-3 caps beforehand to avoid the post-sugar crash?
Not really, but it does mean that we should take our intake of sweet foods seriously, and that includes fruit, which has always had such a good reputation as a “good for you” food. It is, in moderation, like everything else.
And it provides us with yet another good reason for eating foods high in omega-3 fatty acids, like fish and nuts (in moderation). Truly “brain foods.”
Posted in Read Along
Better
A few nights of decent sleep, and I feel quite good. It was really an unfortunate combination last week of getting my period after 3 months, stopping the medication, not sleeping enough, having lots of work to do and lots of sensory and emotional overload, all together. No wonder I was antsy and angsty and moody.
I haven´t had any “anger attack” over the last days, not even close. I´m not worrying more about stuff than I did while still on the medication.
And I feel generally serene and optimistic. What more can I ask for?
I am sure a big part of this, other than to enough sleep, is also due to physical exercise. Over the last days I have been walking, cycling and doing quite heavy agricultural work (hoeing and planting and weeding, that kind of stuff) nearly daily. Outside. I´d love also to go running, but am afraid my joints will suffer under my weight. Still, might try it out soon, I remember very well that back in 1999 when I went off the Paxil, I ran every other day for an hour, and I really didn´t feel the withdrawal at all. Running kept me sane and healthy for many years, it was only when I started to put on weight and couldn´t run any more that my brain went off the road again.
I really hope things continue this way, that would be wonderful.
Posted in Read Along
Life since our Panama Trip
I have not been feeling well at all lately, and it is due to many things, and being Bipolar doesn’t help. At All. As a matter of fact, it makes things much worse.
I have been on edge lately…firstly I want to say is Thank Heavens we decided to rent this house instead of buying it, we have had plumbing problems that resulted in not having water for a day & a half, dealing with a pain in the ass landlord [we had to find a plumber, because everyone he called wouldn’t work for him, he is that much of an asshole] and other things which just made me want to lose my shit. I have been trying so hard to keep it together, and it just seems like there is always something that seems to go just a little bit wrong and it has the potential to upset me for days on end…..and I am talking about the kind of upset that just makes my head & body hurt, I cry and then I want to just retreat and lie down with my Anti Stress Eye Pillow which has Lavender & Chamomile & Flax Seed inside of it, it is encased in a Pure silk pouch. I feel like a woman from Victorian Times, except that I don’t have a “Fainting Couch”. It is really quite pathetic….oh how I do hate myself.
I have not been getting along very well with my personal relationships, except for my Son, he is the bright spot…he always tells me “Mother, you are the best Mother anyone could ever have” and I get all choked up and I always reply “you are the best Son anyone could ever have.” He is such a precious little soul, highly intelligent and kind. I am so lucky to have such a sweet boy. We just had a parent-teacher mini conference where they handed out the grades for the first trimester and my Son has a 97% GPA, so he is an A+! His Teacher & the Principal told me that they think he is brilliant, having genius-like intelligence.[ there is talk about getting him tested for that, the Principal is going to recommend me to someone about that] I am so proud of him, he really loves his School and he loves Science & Math excessively. He even does extra workbooks that I bought in BC at a Cool Child, it is a store where they have all educational stuff, from toys to books to home-schooling supplies. At home he swims like a little fish, he now can do somersaults in the pool and a handstand! We got it all on video with our digital camera, it was on Sunday that he mastered those 2 feats. He is also very single minded about things, he loves Lego & Hero Factory & Bionicles…..he is constantly coming up with new improved designs, and he regularly visits the Lego & other websites, after he has completed his homework, of course. He helps for me to remember things, and his presence always makes me smile.
As far as my other personal relationships go, well……..that is an entirely different kettle of fish……My Spouse has been having a hard time dealing with the Fool of a Landlord, the Plumber [who is an awesome guy, he used to be the Mayor of the Town that I live in] and of course, with me and the Bipolar Monkey on my back. I have made him very upset, and I honestly don’t really know why…..is it because I am so sensitive and fragile that he just can’t deal with my moods any longer? He has asked me more than once if I could just “stop being Bipolar” and that just kills me…..I get a pit in my stomach so big that you could fit the Grand Canyon in it……sometimes I get angry at him, he knows that it is impossible for me to not be Bipolar. I feel like it is very unfair of him to say that to me…..when I don’t get angry, I withdraw……and being alone with my own thoughts is not always the best thing, because my train of thoughts that are flying through my head sometimes get on the wrong track and that can be quite destructive. I have felt like hurting myself at times, but then I think about my Son…..and those thoughts seem to dissipate. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to go on, I know I have to but I don’t know how I am going to be able to do it.
Posted in Read Along
Cycles
Wed 5/30/12 1:02 a.m.
Tues was…Ick. I started out groggy from the Elavil, grumpy from the curse, then I shifted into hypomania, and this whole side effect of Abilify of not being able to sit still is actually starting to really drive me crazy.
One minute I am at the shop, thinking this is cool.
Next I am crawling out of my skin, thinking how bored I am and I gotta have something to do because just sitting behind a desk isn’t keeping me sane.
Gahhhhhh.
Of course, R and his Mrs had some big drama this weekend so that oppression hung in the air. Kenny told him it’s time to call it quits with her. I agree. I didn’t say as much, I am learning to tactfully keep my mouth shut. R’s penchant for self punishment is just one of those things I find so distasteful, I can’t discuss it without getting venomous. Let him wallow in misery if it floats his boat.
I don’t need that shit dragging me down.
By the time I got home, my mood sundowned and then stabilized into functional hypomania. Then Spook started saying something about “She’s taking our home away” and acting very scared and whiny, which made my anxiety skyrocket and set the paranoia into action.
Then it skyrocketed into absolute anger. Not even sure why. I just suddenly felt very very very angry at certain individuals.
The neighbor kids started bugging me again, actually thinking I was going to sell them a fourty dollar walker for fifty cents. The fuckers are making me regret sitting outside. I just want to be left alone, ffs.
That made me even angrier.
The whole can’t sit still kicked in, yet my attention was not on doing anything, so I paced a bit. I couldn’t even concentrate on reading a single paragraph. I got Spook to bed and then I assumed the position myself.
Musta been tired, I don’t remember falling asleep except it didn’t take too long.
Now here I am awake, pondering it all, feeling the aftermath of all those mood swings during the course of a 14 hour period, and thinking I am fucking exhausted.
Now it is time to do it all over again in a few hours.
And I still feel highly irked with R, so I don’t even know if I want to make an appearance at the shop. Not like I was invited, and he does have Kenny glued to him like a Siamese twin, so why bother? Why mess with the hassle of my mom guilt tripping me for being away from Spook?
Why, why, why.
Why am I so angry at everything?
Why does a knock on the door send me reeling every time?
Why why why.
Posted in Read Along
A quiet mind
tues 5/29/12 12:22 am
My mind is a little too quiet right now.
Like, there’s lots of thoughts flying around in my head, but nothing that really warrants writing about.
I’m tired, but it’s finally cooled down enough where I can putter about and be relatively comfortable, so I want to enjoy that.
Other than that, though…it’s just a little quiet in my chaotic brain.
Maybe a little too quiet.
This is not pessimism or me trying to create drama.
It is years and years of experience, knowing that when my mind gets too quiet…it is usually a precursor to a depressive crash that leaves me barely functioning.
I live in fear of such crashes, to the point of being deeply disturbed when my mind is too quiet.
Or maybe things have just been so boring I actually have nothing to say but the usual stuff so I’m taking that boredom as quietness.
I never know.
Posted in Read Along
The Notebook
My mother-in-law gave me a pretty little daily calendar journal-y thing for Christmas last year. I don’t really know why – I know I’d requested one for a specific purpose the year before, but that was related to a game (and had since gotten rid of my need for one). So it’s been sitting atop my PC tower, staring at me blankly. And so I’ve tried to put it to use – I’ve tried to remember to scribble in health-related things in. The suicide attempt, the sparky sparkly headaches, when migraines happen – I try to make those get in there. But that’s still a lot of blank pagination, so the last week I’ve been trying to put it to a ‘better’ use.
Like many folks I know, my thoughts are quick to escape off into the aether. I’ve approached trying to keep them pinned down in many ways – I’ll try repeating them to myself over and over again. I requisitioned a note-taking tape recorder from my father-in-law (which is buried… somewhere). I’ve even done that old childhood favorite – scribbling things across hands and arms and the like. All of this usually fails because my thoughts will dash away before I can even record them, leaving me haunted and annoyed by things that would make great blog fodder, or project ideas, or whatever.
With that in mind, I’m trying to jot ideas into this cheerful little calendar-diary thing. It’s far from perfect, and can only help so far when one is completely bereft of ideas, but at least some stray thoughts are being recorded, and then transcribed here and elsewhere. It’s sort of nice, and I hope it’s a habit I can finally stick to. It’s not like I’m a fascinating person, so I sort of need to milk every idea that crosses my empty little head. Well, and y’know… if I can slow down racing thoughts enough to pick them apart. Or if I’m not being distracted and distressed by every tiny thing in existence. Really, I think most times it a miracle if I can get a thought anywhere that isn’t my head.
Anyhoos, methinks I am on a quest for more coffee, so I shall investigate that.
<3
turn up the lights in here
i admit that i am not at a place in my process of acceptance to execute this. YET.
but as i was writing about disabilities it just struck me how narrow the scope of public understanding is about what being disabled actually means. this is especially salient for mental illness that isn’t immediately apparent. although there is increasingly media attention for disability cases involving mental illness, like the recent ones involving a man who won a case against his employer after he was fired and the woman who won the right to legally masturbate at work (!), the belief that disability is something you can always see is still overwhelmingly popular. as a result, many times accommodations are only readily made when a disability is visible; otherwise people may take some convincing.
take, for instance, one of XBFs recent experiences. as i mentioned before he has traumatic brain injury and there are no exterior indications that he has any injury at all. he also has attention deficit disorder and learning disabilities. to top it off, he has a heart condition that could potentially lead to sudden death and has a heart monitor implanted in his chest. all of these conditions are invisible to passerby.
for a while there, XBF was sick a lot. for like, weeks at a time. any given day seemed to be a shuffled up mix of migraines, dizziness, nausea, throwing up, and passing out. it was not pretty. in any case, he clearly could not complete his school work in that condition so he requested accommodations.
it’s not a problem for him to get doctor’s notes and yet sometimes this is still not enough for people. one particular professor douchebag stands out. when XBF turned in an exam, this dickwad basically announces to the entire class that XBF has been absent too many times and will thus probably fail the class (a dick move even when you don’t take into consideration that sharing grades is ILLEGAL). when XBF asked to schedule a meeting, said dickwad refuses and says “he’ll let him know what he decides”…this is, of course, on the last day to add a class so if XBF is dropped, he can’t exactly get back in. and he hasn’t even had a chance to show medical documentation yet. come monday, XBF is still enrolled in the class but when he gets his exam back, there are a bunch of answers marked incorrect and he ends up failing the exam. he attempts, again, to meet with the professor but the asshat refuses, again.
no, i don’t know how this guy is a professor. yes, this is evidence in favor of abolishing the tenure system.
the thing is, it’s a law exam and if XBF knows anything, it’s the freaking law. both of his parents are lawyers (yes, meeting them was fucking horribly stressful but i made it). not that that makes him an immediate expert, but it also wouldn’t be difficult to call and double check with them and that is exactly what he did. indeed, his suspicions were confirmed and several of his supposedly “incorrect” answers were either not incorrect at all, or the question was too vague or unclear to elicit the desired response.
unfortunately, Professor Douchenozzle still refused to discuss the exam so XBF tried to go to the department head. Unfortunately, what he didn’t know is that the Department Head Dick Head and Professor Douchnozzle were all buddy buddy like. The Dick Head didn’t even give XBF a chance, flipping through the exam but barely looking at it. he brushed off XBFs concerns like a speck of dust off his coat.
XBF also tried to discuss Professor Douchenozzle’s [illegal] announcement of his grade in front of the class. he points out that his absences are a) medically excused, and b) not grounds for dismissal because no where in the syllabus was such an attendance policy described. it is school policy that the grading system must be outlined in the syllabus and that it can not be adjusted after the fact. instead, he included a link to the university web page on class attendance, which simply said something along the lines of ‘the attendance policy for each class is determined by the instructor’. yeah, thanks for the obvious tip! this is essentially an illegal policy but students wouldn’t know that! fortunately i am a teacher and i do know that, so i told him to bring it up to the Dick Head. when XBF told him he had been absent due to being ill, Dick Head looked him up and down and said, “well, you don’t look sick” and then he had the fucking nerve to accuse XBF of LYING about his medical conditions. Understandably XBF saw red and chose to walk out of the office and over to the Dean’s office instead of continuing to deal with this toolbox.
before i go on, if you or someone you know is an academic asshole of this magnitude, please tell them to find different work. people like that make me hate academia. that’s right, i fucking HATE academics. and i am one, so that’s saying something.
i use this example to illustrate just how uninformed people are about disability. being disabled may mean you have visible impairments but it may not. i’m inspired to start a campaign (again, when i am at a more advanced place in my acceptance process) about what “disability looks like”. it can start with simple still photography of individuals doing various activities with the caption “I am disabled”. it would also be great to showcase not only what it can potentially look like, but what it means to be disabled. the range of accommodations requested by people with different disabilities.
i’ll probably honor Dick Head and Professory Douchenozzle by naming said campaign after them. hehe.
what do you think?
