Disproportionate reactions

One thing which is shaping up to be a serious challenge already is my lack of control over absolutely disproportionate reactions, mainly in the anger department. Several times over the last days I got very much worked up about stuff which really was not worth it,  and with which I would have dealt in a completely different way still a few weeks ago.

One example, my husband staying out late for the end-of-season dinner of his football team. It was in a place from where he could walk home, I know he doesn´t drink anything but a few beers and I trust him to stay out of trouble.

Still, after 11 pm I suddenly started to freak out. I started to call him on his mobile, and when he didn´t answer (completely understandable, given the music and noise in similar occasions) I really lost it. I tried to call every 5 minutes, sent him lots of text messages, and probably would soon have dressed and turned up at the place in person and obviously embarrassed the hell out of myself and him in the process, but fortunately he finally had a look at his phone and the about 50 missed calls and called me back. At which I totally berated him and shouted at him over the phone. He came home, and I shouted some more. He wasn´t happy, understandably. I did calm down eventually, and apologized, but yeah. I cringe every time I think about it.

In a few other occasions I just felt burning anger in situations which over the last two years would have left me completely relaxed. It scares me, this flaring up, and the feeling of wanting to throw stuff against the wall. I think I need to keep that under strict observation, and try to find ways to cope with it. Like, taking a few deeeeeep breaths before opening my mouth, most of all :D .

I think it is the control thing. This is one of my heaviest issues, not having things under control, and the medication sure watered that down. Any situation I feel like things are not fully under my control, now makes me freak out, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I think it is time to think about therapy again, not the occasional woo-woo stuff, but something more serious.


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