Daily Archives: May 26, 2012

A hellish week

I probably should have started this some time ago, to observe how reducing the Celexa was impacting on my daily life.

But, honestly, until I stopped it completely after a few weeks on 10 mg, I really did not notice any big difference. I vaguely remembered from 1999 that there weren´t any noticeable symptoms, so I hoped/assumed it would be the same this time. Well, it was not.

That might have been caused partially by the fact that a number of issues conspired to make the past one a very very busy, often chaotic week, which allowed for very few sleep. And one of my main OCD issues is sleep.. I am always afraid I don´t get enough of it (though I do generally need less than the average person, I function perfectly well with 6-7 hours on average if those are of good quality) and if for some reason I can´t sleep enough my equilibrium goes out of the window very fast.

I think I´ll just list here the things I noticed, and see how they evolve over the next period. I´ll try to do the professional hypochondriac thing and evaluate the gravity of the symptoms from 0 (none) to 10 (extremely intense)

Withdrawal side effects: Vertigo (5), nausea (2), difficulty concentrating (7), dry mouth (4), “electric currents” (5), Insomnia (7)

Self-hurting: Nail biting (8), unhealthy eating (3), avoidance of physical exercise (6), manic scratching of body parts (6)

Compulsive and obsessive actions and thoughts: Masturbation until exhaustion (6), Worrying about lack of sleep (8), Worrying about death of close people (8), Worrying about own future (8), Anger management problems (8), Disproportional reactions to events (8)

General self-evaluation of mental status:
Positive:  perception of more alertness and heightened awareness of reality. Strengthening of emotional connection to others. Growing of creative urges. Growing libido.
Negative:  Heightened anxiety as a general status. Possible manic episode waiting to happen.

Ok, this is more difficult than I had thought. Triggering too. I guess that is enough for now, I will try to continue here as often as possible.


Gray day rain brain

5/25/12 fri 6:21 am

Kenny brought that mammoth case of cd’s by last night, visited for awhile. Spook is usually afraid of him. No more. She climbed him like a big Sequoia. He was a good sport about it. I don’t get the impression,in general, that he is a  kid person, but he was really great with her and her gonad crushing spleen pulverizing “play” wrestling.

Then it was shower time for Spook and I after he left. I put her fussy butt to bed at 7:30, laid down myself…and woke up at 9pm.
(The trailer is that warm, I am now sleeping earlier, so I can get up later when it’s cool enough to do things around the place.)
Of course, I didn’t do a whole lot, as it was still pretty warm. Just ripped some of those cds, made a mix cd, burned some stuff to dvd, rearrange my make up, worked on yard sale signs.
Now today is gloomy and gray and it looks like it may burst into rain at any time.
Bloody hell.
I NEED money. I’d settle for making thirty bucks.

I was up until almost four am because  my stupid brain was being its stupid self and not shutting the fuck up. Which lead to panic, and I refused to take a sleeper because I absolutely cannot stand the hangovers in the morning. (I’d take an alcohol room-is-spinning-I’m-gonna-puke hangover to the my-brain-is-wrapped-in-cobwebs-and-I-can’t-keep-my-eyes-open-even though-I am burning myself-with-a-cigarette and it hurts but I am too sleepy-to-move medication hangover.
(Morgueticia, the queen of run on sentences, bow down before my grammatical inferiority!)

If it’s gonna rain, I wish it’d just do it and stop. I really need to make this yard sale happen, and I have already endured so much anxiety over it, I want to see it through. Stupid Mother Nature and meteorologists always fucking with everything.
When I grow up, I wanna be a meteorologist. It’s the only job where you can get it wrong 80% of the time and still have a job.

surviving versus living

5/24/12 thur 4:19 pm

Started out manic.
Not sure why, just felt manic happy and energetic.
Then I came home.
And my mood has crashed.
Not too far in the gutter, but still, it’s always a sucky crash landing when you start out
up here.


I hate it when two feelings happen at once, and you have to choose which way to feel. 

The story goes something like this:

I was busy all day yesterday (and the night before) getting ready for my daughters graduation gathering… My mom calls in the afternoon “Are you ok?” I answer,”Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” then she says “Oh, I guess you haven’t been on Facebook.” 

At this point I knew what had happened… My lifelong friend/bestfriend from childhood’s grandmother had passed away. “Granny” was my adopted grandmother. I lived in California and my only living grandparent lived in Ohio, so I didn’t see much of her, So Granny and her sister “Auntie” were my grandmotherly figures. Everyone loved Granny. She was AMAZING! And the stories I could tell! She was a fun woman, and always looked beautiful! Hair done, make-up done, dressed to the nines…. 

I hurried up and turned on FB, and there it was. My friend had posted about it. My heart sunk. My mind said: “You don’t have time to deal with this right now… move along!” And I felt so. fucking. guilty. about that.

It seems like death surrounds my oldest daughter’s big days. On one of her birthdays I had come home from the hospital after I had delivered my still born. And that was the flashback I had yesterday… I couldn’t let her see me cry. I couldn’t grieve the way I wanted to right then and there. Not to mention we have company right now.

I sent my friend a note last night, letting her know I wanted to send flowers or do something in lieu of flowers. And she sent me a lovely note back. It was the first thing I read this morning. And it was like a reminder to my heart that something was not right in the universe.

Still, I’m choosing not to let this affect me. I have to put on a happy face. I want to cry so bad. I’m holding it back. And now I have to figure out when I’m going to grieve Granny’s loss. 

In terms of my bipolar, I’m hoping this doesn’t set me off. I have already noticed that I’m a bit on edge and short tempered today, but I have a lot of other things running through my head.

Face To Floor Interface

As far as unpromising starting points go, I think I may have surpassed myself with this one: The Acute Medical Unit of the Brighton & Sussex University Hospitals. If there is an upside to bipolar disorder (I’m sure I could have phrased that better), it’s that it’s not a condition that readily lends itself to doing things by halves, and I think it’s fair to say that is a philosophy that I seem to have applied pretty assiduously to my training regime for walking El Camino, although with not entirely beneficial results, as the photograph above might suggest.

In the week prior to this jolly little scene, I had managed to cram in 5 extremely sweaty 90 minute Bikram yoga classes and 3 cardiac threatening circuit training sessions on top of the rather less challenging, but nonetheless gradient heavy, walk described in the previous post. Suffice to say that this level of exertion was not exactly in line with my typical weekly fitness programme.

The cumulative result of all this was that a trip to the loo in the early hours of Sunday morning was cut short by a complete blackout and me falling face first onto our slate-tiled hallway, having come out decidedly worse-off than the corner of the dado rail I had a brief disagreement with on the way down.

Following a fraught ambulance trip to A & E, I found myself being put through an exhaustive range of procedures ranging from CT scans to chest X-rays to being quizzed on the dates of the Second World War to check for concussion (an interesting variation on the traditional “how many fingers am I holding up?”, I thought).

And after about a further 6 hours of being plugged into a heart monitor and a saline drip, the final diagnosis was that I was massively dehydrated as a result of the aforementioned exercise regime, resulting in plummeting blood pressure and the resulting blackout; on learning that the whole thing could have been avoided by me drinking more water, I think it’s fair to say that Tiff was on the verge of giving me another black eye, especially given that we were told explicitly by one of the Boot Camp trainers that we should be drinking a minimum of 3 litres a day to sustain that level of exercise. Apparently, a few cups of tea a day was a little unlikely to have cut it.

However, according to one of the nurses in the Acute Medical Unit, the injuries I had sustained were also fairly par for the course for weekend night in Brighton; so much so, in fact, that they had invented a new term for the cause: an FFI – an acronym for the full medical term “Floor to Face Interface”.

So my training programme has suffered a bit of a setback whilst I’ve spent the week in bed looking like I’ve done ten rounds with Rocky Marciano. I am also finding myself having to tell people who ask me what’s happened that I’ve had “a bit of a nasty fall” which makes me sound about 90.

It’s clearly not for the faint-hearted, this walking business.

Filed under: Camino Countdown Tagged: Bikram Yoga, Bipolar disorder, Brighton, Charity, Circuit training, Depression, El Camino, Photograph, Rethink Mental Illness, Spain, Training, Walking

Party Time, Excellent

Today is the Eurovision Song Contest, which means I’m getting my party on. For those who are not of Europe, it’s basically a song competition that has nothing to do with talent or talent shows, has been around since the 50s, and in some ways are hilariously politicized. There is a heavy dose of Eurocheese to it though, and it is that in which I delight. If anyone in the States wishes to watch along and have a great laugh, you can do it via the Eurovision.tv website. The contest starts at 8pm here in the UK, so that’s 3pm EDT, or 2pm CDT (the rest of the folks in the States can figure out their own time off of those two ;D). I highly recommend it if you need a laugh – there’s cheese, there’s overly soulful ballads, there’s… well, watch and find out.

As for me, my company will be soon arriving, so I shall sign off for day. Until tomorrow!