Daily Archives: May 24, 2012

Abilify side effects wore than having a platypus controlling me

5/24/12 2:04 am

That shrink was not kidding when she said the Abilify would make me feel like I need to move around constantly.
I can’t seem to stop sitting down and getting up, wandering about, piddling with this and that. It’s nice to get little things done but it’s a bit maddening. I can’t even sit still long enough for one of the cats to nap on my lap or in Azazel’s case, my shoulder.
This is a little unsettling. Two am, I need to be gearing down for bed.
I really didn’t want to take an Elavil, the last two days of narcolepsy in the mornings has sucked ass.
But if I don’t get sleepy soon on my own, I may have to.
This does not make me happy.
I think they should just prescribe hard liquor for sleep.

Manic panicky Morgueticia

5/23/12 Wed 4:45 pm
Genius that I am, I forgot to refill my pill case I carry in my purse so for the last several hours I have been in panic attack hell, complete with thundering heart, paranoid terror, and excessive sweating.
I couldn’t wait to get home to take one, the half life is like six hours, so I’ve been free falling for about four hours. I know, it’s an addiction, blah blah blah but some days I don’t even notice missing a dose, and some days when my anxiety tolerance is precarious, I freak out.
I refilled my case, that’s for damned sure.

Not a noteworthy day. R was off in his own world. Kenny didn’t even come in til 3 o’clock. He commented on me being gussied up, and I really wasn’t, just using the fatoflage to hide holes in my pants and keep people guessing just how much weight I am putting on. It’s so embarrassing. I don’t eat that much. It’s the stupid soda, which I simply cannot give up. I like it. It’s like air. (That’s my bullshit story and I am sticking to it.)
I always balloon up on meds, anyway.
It’s a no win situation, be crazy but thinner or be sane and fatter.
Like that doesn’t add to my utter depression.
And then I start feeling bad about myself, and that amps up the anxiety. Vicious fucking circle.

I don’t even really have a good story from today to tell. It was really that utterly boring and uneventful.

Another I-feel-so-fat-someone-should-harpoon-me day. Yet some days I feel fine, like my fluffy self.
Then I eat or get pms and I swear to god the image of myself in my head is one of a waddling Jaba the HUt, and no amount of compliments counters this that my mind is convinced is the truth.
I am so sick of being dysfunctional.
I am so sick of wanting to drink myself numb.
Sick, sick, sick.
The meds can only do so much.
Some of this has to come from inside me.
Unfortunately, inside me is a fucked up delusional place.
I still stare at the mailbox like a ticking time bomb every day.
I still have this palpable fear of coming home to find my trailer trashed or burned down.
The jackass neighbors were leaving as I was getting Spook out of the car tonight and I swear they said something rude to me.
Now, considering all I heard was someone speak, couldn’t discern any words whatsoever, why does my stupid brain think it had to be them saying something nasty to me? And why can’t I counter it with logic and fight back that paralyzing panic.

Gawd…I do not want to do housework.
Spook didn’t nap at Mom’s so she is down right now, which probably means it’s going to be a long night for me.
Note the sarcasm there.

So here I sit, feeling fat and ugly and uncomfortable and depressed and anxious and lethargic and unmotivated.
THIS is the flip side to the hypomania.
Sometimes, as much as I love the hypomania, I wish I never had to experience it, because then I wouldn’t have it as a comparison to my perpetual down states following a manic episode.

Feeling shitty is one thing.
Knowing that you can feel good, yet not being able to accomplish that with any consistency just pisses me off.

3 am chain smoking rant

Tues 5/22/12 3:42 a.m.

I’m awake again.
(Just for the record, I am not going all Facebook and Twitter here,reporting every aspect of my existence because I am soooo bloody important people will die without each detail, I don’t do either of those sites, but because of the cycles of bipolar, I do try to write during each stage, even if it’s ten times in one day tracking the ups and downs and such.)

I dunno, I went back to bed after my first wake up, was around 1:30 am. Then at 3:25 am, I bolted awake and thought-I kid you not, this was my first waking thought- “I WANT SOME RICE KRISPIES WITH SUGAR ON THEM.”
So I had my cereal.
Which is weird since I’ve not eaten cereal in months.
Makes me wonder if maybe my blood sugar didn’t dip low and I needed a sugar fix.

The new kittens, cute as they are, are driving me crazy with their the-whole-place-is-our-litter-box tudes and them climbing all over me at all times. Or maybe I’m just irritable. I can never tell. I normally love attention from the cats. But then again, I do freak out over deviations and having two new small cats here is a deviation.

Dunno know if I am going to the shop today or not. That call from Kenny that I missed kind of makes me wonder what is up. If R and his wife are having a war, I don’t want to be in the middle of it. Especially after yesterday in which she apparently had a fit saying he’d rather have lunch with his friends than her. (If she were my kid, with those fits, I’d give her a time out from hell, muhahaha.)
Maybe it was nothing, maybe Kenny called about something else entirely.
I dunno, the whole thing with r and his wife monster gives me anxiety attacks and really pokes my paranoia with a stick. I cringe in her presence, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
I want to like her. I want to be a better person.
But then I wanted that with The Donor, and look how my denial worked out so well there.
Sometimes, some people rub you the wrong way and ya gotta call a spade a spade.
Just knowing how laid back and kind R is, though, and seeing how she is…I just gotta think he needs to sue eharmony for matching them because they have nothing in common and can’t get along to save their lives unless they’re both tanked.
He he he, I talk about it too much. But it really does stress me out.

Azazel is perched on my shoulder. He’s a honey lover. Nightshade is very skittish. She’s not unsweet, she’s just  rather distant at times. I will continue to try to bring her out of her shell. I don’t want to give up on her the way people have given up on me. Maybe she just needs some extra TLC to emerge as a loving more friendly kitty.
And if she is just skittish by nature…I will accept that and love her just the same.
Again, the way I wish people would do by me.

Now…more chain smoking.
It’s the best way for me to get my thoughts gathered.
I’d rather quit breathing than give up smoking.
I think, in fact, doctors should prescribe smoking for anxiety ridden bipolar patients. For whatever wacko reason, it helps calm and unscramble.
Plus, it pisses the non smoking faction off, and I think they deserve it for being holier than thou.

Second hand smoke kills.
Just not fast enough.


Tues 5/22/12 12:18 AM

Why am I awake? I have  NO idea.
I took the full dose of sleepers and my brain and eyeballs are wrapped in mummy cobwebs but I am sitting here trying to blink them away.
Yes, I have some very vivid strange dreams these days. I don’t remember the dream, just the ominous hangover once I woke up and felt that sense of doom in my gut.

Speaking of my gut, I was up at 10:30 pm with one of my legendary burning stomach aches, guzzling milk to make it stop. It was pretty bad.

I also missed a call from Kenny, am wondering what that is all about. Probably warning me of some new drama with R and his Mrs.
Got enough of my own what with the bloody stalker robbing me of cell phone time again with irritating texts. I just ignored him after the sixth one, I mean, really, dude???? I have told you friendship is fine, anything else, fuck off.
He’s a fucking moron.

Yeah, I’m definitely pms-ing or something. This level of hostility and irritability aren’t quite in keeping with anything but my hormones being wonky.



Mon 5/21/12 5:17 pm

I have been awake 14 hours now and my head is pounding. I have a kitten sitting on my shoulder and a hyper toddler on my hands. Today was not horrible, but it was definitely not a day I enjoyed or would care to relive.
For one thing, his Mrs. came in and commandeered the computer, which barred me from doing the very job I was asked to come in and do. I don’t know why he won’t tell her no, this is my business, not your studyhall. Spineless.
Then  she got hose beast pissed because his computer is old and slow and it needs too many updates to do what she wants to do and she doesn’t have time to mess with it so she stomps out in a huff.
I’ve actually seen Spook have similar fits.

Later, she called him, wanted him to ditch me and Kenny watching the shop so she and R could go out to lunch. This, after her fit and bemoaning how she didn’t have time to install computer updates. And she’d said nothing to him about it, so that started a fight, and then he sad sacked off and on all day.
I have tried, soooo bloody hard, to like this woman.
I simply don’t.
I accept her because she’s his wife.
I will clean her house upon request because I need things.
But I find her an incredibly spoiled nasty human being and being in her vicinity depresses and stresses me. It also depresses me, and pisses me off, to see how whipped she has R. Even his shop isn’t his anymore, she just comes in and takes over, never mind we need the computer to look for parts and she does have a laptop with net at home.
I swear she does it to be a pain in the ass and start fights with him.
Kind of reminds me of The Donor. He’d do things I told him pissed me off a hundred times, and then he’d make me seem unreasonable, not owning up to his bad memory or insensitivity. Twas all my fault.
I’m sick of the blame game, in all honesty, R and his woman, me and The Donor, dad and mom. Just…let it go, move on.
I fucking hate the drama, the very drama I used to thrive and feast upon in my undiagnosed wrongly medicated bipolar days. Now…I cringe at the first sight of potential drama, and anything involving that wife of R’s or my family is akin to serious fucking drama.

Then I was dispatched on the lunch run, had to stop and get three fountain pops. Some ended up on my floor board, how am I supposed to hold them all? Then Pizza Hut was packed and a new girl was learning the register so it took 10 mins to pick up a carry out and I was just livid by that point. All people’d out. I don’t handle stress well, it just shreds me. Then  I feel foolish and weak and guilty for not handling it well.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

After that, the day just dragged by. I was bored out of my mind, having gotten my parts ordering done long before.
I wanted so badly to go home to the comfort of my safe zone.
Then when it was finally time to go, I almost had a sense of foreboding telling me I didn’t want to go home.
Tis weird.
Fucked up.
Like me.

Kenny made a remark about me being crazy for choosing to get up and clean instead of sleeping.
Like my family, he does not get it, they never did.
Hypomania, sleep disturbance, insomnia-none of it is by choice. You can either get to and stay asleep, or you can’t.
Sometimes, I can’t.
Sometimes, I am so down I could pass for narcoleptic I sleep so much.
Right now I am in hypo manic sleep disturbance mode, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it other than load up on the sleepers and if they can’t keep my down all night…
Sooo soo sick of people acting like mental illness is some sort of choice, like it’s fun.
This blows goats, always has, always will.

Least it wasn’t too hot out today.
Still feel sweaty and icky.
I also think I have PMS, cramps, moodiness, irritability, the whole shebang.

Come to think of it…sooo much of my life is a case of does not want.
I am not Teflon, and I don’t have the luck of the Irish.

Irish I did.

(Oh,c;mon, depressed people are permitted to make bad puns.)

For No Reason

Yesterday’s appointment at the hospital went splendidly. It was merely a check-up in the scheme of things, and I got two students in the room for a bonus. I like being a test case for students; as my husband puts it, it’s paying it forward. And I like to think I’m a good patient – I try to answer as fully as possible (too fully, if I’m honest), and I do my best to be pleasant and kindly. I’m also a useful subject here in Britain by dint of being an American. As flight of thoughts and fast speaking can be markers of bipolar, it’s useful for British student doctors to understand that Americans speak faster than Brits by default. By the same token, we brushed over Italians, as my local area has a very high concentration of that population. All in all we agreed that I was holding up fine on my small dose of Seroquel (I’m on 200mg; he ideally wanted to move me to 300mg plus an antidepressant, but since we’re trying for baby #2…), and that my self-applications of CBT and herbal medicine (chamomile supplements to fight my anxiety) were ideal.

I have to say though that it is SO nice to have a doctor who knows his stuff and that I have a good rapport with. The diagnosis process was hell for me – the first doctor I saw suggested bipolar and started me on Seroquel… and then the hospital lost all my files and said I’d never been to any appointments (even though it was on record in one place that I had; because it wasn’t in another, they decided the first was wrong). The second doctor who got stuck on clean-up decided that there was nothing wrong with me, cease being medicated… and when I came back for round two of push-the-diagnosis-wagon, the response was very much, ‘Oh, still here? PERSONALITY DISORDER’. Feh? Feh. My blogging was my salvation, insomuch that I was able to use it to clearly demonstrate that there was something going on, ha ha. But really, it was a huge relief when I got moved on to my current doctor, ’cause the right diagnosis made a world of difference in giving me the ability to cling on and fight.

So anyways, on the back of that fruitful touching base, we had a toddler-free evening by design. Myself and my husband enjoyed leisurely bathing, went out for a fantastic meal at the new Mexican restaurant in town (hooray, Brit-Mex!  Watercress on burritos! xD), and then enjoyed Stitchin and Bitching outside for a change (until it got dark, then we moved indoors). It was about as perfect as a night could be, until on the way home…

Brain: Ha ha, there’s a robber in your home that’s stolen all your things and is going to kill you!
Me: Shut up brain. Seriously.
Brain: No, you shut up. They’ve broken your gate and all your doors and your computers are gone forever!
Me: Shut up brain.

At this point, I turned to my husband to tell him what fun my brain was trying to get up to, and managed to shut it down to the barest whisper… but I still felt really paranoid as we entered our darkened yard. I checked the gate carefully before we opened it, I peered into the shadows and could logically and clearly see there was nobody there. The doors were fine, the cats and all our things were fine, but I was bemused that my brain’s oh-so-loving response to a fantastic day is, ‘It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Who also stole your things, ha ha!’ At least I didn’t let it get me down… there’s a lot of tiny things like that that are trying their best to get the first chip into my current stability. But I’ll just keep doing my best to hold up and enjoy it… if only to spite that part of my psyche. :D


Yay for sleep!

I finally got to wind down about 11-ish last night… But my mind was all abuzz… it wouldn’t stop. So, I took an Advanced Melatonin and hoped for the best… Thank you Lord! I slept with no problem last night! It was amazing! I am so glad this stuff works for me. There is no side affects like with the meds and a lot cheaper too! I don’t know why this stuff works and regular Melatonin doesn’t do squat for me… I think maybe because there is L-Theanine in this, maybe? I dunno. I just know that I am happy I got uninterrupted sleep last night, because I have a lot of shit to get done today….. And although I have been level for awhile, I still get paranoid that something is going to cause me to flip… But, I’m just breathing and trying to remain calm at all times. :)

abandonment issues

i actually hate the phrase ‘abandonment issues’.  for many reasons, not the least of which is because it applies to me.  but usually i hear it in the context of some magnificent display of ignorant douchery and it gets fucking old after a while.

in any case, i can feel my inner abandonment demons doing a tribal war dance and chanting for a breach in my exterior so they can rage out in the open.  fortunately, i think the lithium is helping me defend my borders.  it’s like having an extra layer of armor. a force field, even.  now we’re talking.  go go gadget lithium!

meanwhile, i am still processing the latest explosive interaction with XBF.  i can’t tell if it’s the lithium or a sense of relief knowing i won’t have to deal with so much crap anymore, but i’m surprisingly okay with things right now.  that doesn’t mean i’m not fucking pissed off that i spent so much time and energy on “us” but at least now its possible to redirect what little energy I have elsewhere.

take, for example, my complex statistical analysis of our relationship.  yes.  i mathematically analyzed my relationship to see if it was worth it and if so, what specific areas needed work.

i expect many of my readers don’t have to ask why i would do such a thing.  when your emotions are making like a pinball and bouncing all over the place, it’s hard to trust yourself because you know your mood is going to change any second.  what’s real?  what’s not?  i didn’t want to rely on these impulses, and i wanted to actually work on our problems so, you know, they wouldn’t be problems anymore.

fortunately, i had already been working on a list called ‘reasons i love and appreciate you’ because we had been planning to date long distance starting in August.  i was thinking that i could find some crafty way to send him some of these reasons each week to keep the spark alive, or some crap.

so i started with my list of positives, and then created a parallel list of issues that i felt needed addressing.  some were associated with the positives, but many stood alone.  then i renamed my ‘reasons i love and appreciate you’ list to ‘houston, we have a problem’.

i created a third column to try and identify underlying issues for the specific examples i had provided in the pros and cons columns.  interestingly, the (108) issues could be boiled down to only 7 categories: asymmetry, incompatible lifestyles, conflict resolution, neglect, lack of appreciation, trust, and disrespect.

i made sure to code whether the specific issues had already been discussed or not (because discussed without resolution is even more frustrating, and not having discussed something means i need to try that first).

then i went through each specific issue, all 108 of them, and rated each of them on a scale of 1 to 5.  for positive items, i rated how important that positive aspect was to my perspective.  for negative items, i rated how important/detrimental/frustrating the issue was for me.

based off of these data, i was able to see that for both raw data and data weighted by importance scores, the broad categories required attention in the following order:

  1. Trust
  2. Asymmetry
  3. Disrespect
  4. Lack of appreciation
  5. Neglect
  6. Conflict Resolution
  7. Incompatible lifestyles

i conducted correlations between each of these categories to see which ones showed overlap.  some were pretty tough to interpret, actually.  still, quite a few made sense correlations made sense, such as the positive, strong relationship between trust and disrespect. so, as problems with trust increase, so do feelings of disrespect.

i also tested between positive and negative issues to see if ratings for positive issues differed statistically from ratings for negative issues.  they didn’t, so that was promising.

then i started getting tricky.

for issues that had both pro and con aspects to them, i adjusted the weighted pro score by subtracting the weighted con score.  in other words, how much did the negative issue detract from the positive one?  if there was no negative score associated, the weighted con score became zero.

i also calculated the weighted con score for items that didn’t have pro components to figure out how much they contributed to my overall feelings.  when i compared the mean of these scores to the mean of the adjusted pro scores, the outlook was not good.  the negatives were *clearly* outweighing the positives.

i then wanted to evaluate how talking influences my feelings. as i mentioned, if we had talked about it and it was not resolved, i found i was more frustrated.  if we hadn’t talked about it, i wanted to know how to prioritize those issues.  you can’t really drop 108 problems in someone’s lap and expect anything to get done.

based on that, I could rank order the topics that needed immediate attention versus those that could wait or be eliminated for now.  this cut the number of specific issues at least in half.  still 50 things is a lot so i needed to condense further.

i figured out where in the 7 categories the severest issues seemed to cluster so i could discuss 7 broader concepts and give specific examples, in the order of urgency.

when i was done, i felt a sense of relief.  i could broach these topics in a reasonable way without getting flooded or paralyzed by emotions.  i brought it up with XBF and we made plans to talk about it.  that was always how it seemed to be.  making plans to make plans to talk.

we never got to discuss it of course.  and right after i had told him we were near a precipice, he chose the very next day–which happened to be my birthday–to have a “misunderstanding”.  to miss my birthday dinner.  i’m not sure how a text that says “you need to get here now” is confusing, but somehow it is and i have to accept that “he was confused” as his answer.

so, back to my abandonment demons…their drum circle beats louder and louder when i think about the sudden turnaround in his behavior and feelings.  two days flat.  or what is more likely, of course, is that doubts had been building for a while, not communicated to me, and had eventually overflowed.  or maybe there is something else.  little abandonment demons plant ideas…like he found someone who is not clinically insane to be with romantically, or at least to get a good fuck.

they whisper that having XBF and Satan Spawn work together has been the best fuel they’ve seen in a long time.  because XBF, who doesn’t know any better, because i didn’t tell him anything different, then asked Satan Spawn for advice, and Satan Spawn will always, without fail, jump at the chance to lie.  you see, Satan Spawn has his own agenda.  it is one that will never be filled, ever.  as my friend put it, in her “clinical opinion”, Satan Spawn is still in love with me.  which i’ve known at least since December when he told me as much directly.  but XBF desperately needed research credits and i did what any devoted girlfriend would do and got him a damn position.  i didn’t tell him about the emotional abuse, or the psychological trauma inflicted upon me by Satan Spawn.  about his successful campaign to destroy my reputation by telling colleagues i am crazy (ha, not so funny now) that worked for over a year before people pulled their heads out of their asses.

and now, it seems, they’re in cahoots.  Satan Spawn is feeding XBF misinformation and coming to me telling me how “awkward it is” and trying to get information about our break up.  XBF is playing innocent and saying Satan Spawn is spontaneously saying all of this on his own.  One or both may be lying.

one thing is for sure.  my abandonment demons are hatching a plot that will require any and all future prospects to perform the equivalent of the Macy’s Parade to even crack the surface.

An Ex-Hooker’s Letter to her Younger Self

Reblogged from My Body the City: The Secret Life of a Callgirl:

Click to visit the original post

Dear twenty-year old Stella,

Work hard on learning to ask for help.  It’s the only way you’ll ever  break free.  No one ever does anything alone.  You don’t have to.

You’ll learn how to make the men happy.  The happier they are the nicer they treat you.  You’ll get very good at being a hooker.  But when the Johns say “baby you were born for this” that doesn’t mean its true.

Read more… 1,194 more words

I have to reblog this amazing post. Although I never "officially" prostituted, the same feelings of entrapment, terror, and helpless enslavement to a way of life applied to my teenage years of homelessness, mental illness, and vulnerability to sexual predators. I thank G-d every day that I never fell into the hands of a pimp the way so many trafficked girls did. I knew some of them, and somehow managed to escape every situation that could have ended me up in Stella's horrible situation. Thank G-d, even though I was abducted several times, I always found a way out. Not by any means unscathed, but not traumatized to the catastrophic extent that so many girls and women are. I'm not normally a vindictive person, but I hope that every pimp, madam, and others who facilitate trafficking of girls, women, boys, and men, come to a suitably ugly end.