Daily Archives: May 21, 2012

Mon 5/21/12 3:39 a.m.

Woke up at ten til 3.
Got up.
Am burning candles, chain smoking, and writing this.
I have no clue why my brain won’t stay asleep for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It’s irritating.

But then taking massive doses of heavy duty pills to sleep isn’t just irritating, it’s zombie-fying, so that doesn’t work for me either.
It’s a suck it up lesser evil thing.

I have been pondering the last half hour or so if perhaps I am unfair in judging people because of my bipolar or because I am so neurotic.
I don’t believe I am. I mean, I had that gut feeling about The Donor, and I chose to let him sway me otherwise, so I am now a firm believer in heeding the warnings your own gut sends out.
I am, of course, thinking about how much I do not like R’s wife or her son.
There’s something about them, they come across pleasant, but it’s stilted, like there’s this insincerity and smarrogance mixed with disdain. (Not, that is NOT a typo, I coined the term smarrogant to describe the Donor when he was being both smug and arrogant.)
I search my gut and soul trying to figure out what my problem is with them, specifically, as opposed to a gut feeling.
They’re nice, at least to my face.
There’s just something I can’t explain that sets the alarm bells ringing.
And I don’t know if I am merely being a paranoid, or if my gut is once again telling me I am in rattlesnake territory as I was with The Donor.

Sigh…
Being bipolar means being perpetually confused about your own emotions.

I suppose I could be watching the new Underworld movie right now, I borrowed it from my mom’s roommate.
I just have so much trouble getting into movies, it seems to take forever for my interest to be captured. With my attention span being that of a gnat, if the movie has any preamble for storyline reasons, I am bored and shutting it off after ten minutes. Plus, sequels are notoriously horrid.
Still…I have a soft spot for the whole vampire thing.
I will save it for later when I am perhaps in a better mind frame. Right now, I am sort of numb and just…
Blecchhh.

Maybe folding laundry or doing dishes will pep me up.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. God, I’m so funny.

Sun May 20 2012 7:05 pm

My mood started out pretty good today.
As the hours have worn on, the mood has severely crashed.
I am back in all-I-wanna-do-is-go-to-bed-and-sleep territory.

I am also feeling guilt tripped to within an inch of my life, since my mother pointed out that I don’t spend much time with my kid anymore. Like I choose to go gallivanting about to avoid my kid and purposely leave the responsibility on my mom. I swear her only goal in life is to make others feel lousy, it seems to be the only thing that makes her feel good about herself. I’d love to be wealthy enough not to have to venture outside the home away from raising my daughter. I don’t have that luxury and I resent the hell out of my mom for making me feel so guilty and defensive. She worked when we were kids. Of course, she says it’s only because dad “made” her work.
I love my mom.
I just don’t often like her psychological war games.

I got much accomplished around the homestead today. Spent a couple of hours at the shop with R and Kenny. R confided in me that he felt “more at home” with Kenny and I last night than he’d felt with anyone else who was there.
It’s the platypus noise over the PA that won him over.
I was out of it by then, sleepy, overly warm and sweaty, unfocused, missing my kid…
Then they bring her back and all she does is whine and fuss and try to kill the kittens and repeat herself like a broken record, making my nerves cringe under my skin.
I’d definitely like to know why I have become super extraordinarily high strung here as of late. I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety and panic but lately,it seems to be a whole different monster, much  much more prevalent and encompassing.
I do not like it.

I also don’t like that it’s ten after 7 and I am ready to go to bed. We are having a thunderstorm, I should be elated as I love storms. I just want to sleep. That could well be sleep deprivation, though. And depression has an impact, too.
Nor do I like the fact that I have been reading the same book for five days now and am still 60 pages from the end. It’s like my attention span left the building along with Elvis.

I am also gravely concerned with Spook’s behavior. She seems to like being mean to animals, sometimes doing it in front of me, other times waiting til I have walked away for a moment. She holds the kittens by the throat, tosses them to the floor, grabs them brutally…And she puts on the tears and tantrum “I’m sorry, Mommy” act but it lacks any sincerity whatsoever. I know she’s not quite three, she’s a normal toddler, yada yada.
I just cannot tolerate animal abuse, ever, by anyone, for any reason.
My own kid doing it disgusts me on a level I can’t even describe.
And my paranoid crazy brain starts its hamster wheel spiel where I envision my kid being a total socio or psychopath. That I am responsible for creating and unleashing such a creature in the world.
Ridiculous, perhaps.
But it’s a very real scenario to me when I catch her throttling a cat and tell her to stop and she stands there and grins for about ten seconds before turning on the tears. It freaks me out.

I thought I was getting better.
I was apparently mistaken.
The crazy paranoia is as bad as it ever was, if not worse.
I am more high strung than ever bore.
Every noise my kid makes is like nails on a chalkboard and my inner ears cringe because the sound is so loud and shrill it actually causes me physical pain.
I fucking hate mood crashes.