Tag Archives: support groups

My Story

IVe shared my story before and that’s not really what this is about. Or maybe it’s a continuation or a new insight that I have found I’m not sure. I find it so easy to talk openly and share when I am typing like this. But it’s hard in daily life. I ha no problem with people knowing that I am Bipolar. I often crack jokes, it’s what helps me cope. And at the end of the day it’s never a bad thing to laugh. I can talk about most things in my life but when it comes to the hardest things or the things that are ugly about my life. I’m still working on coming to a balance. I am trying to have moments instead of hours and days or weeks. Something that is hard to do when you often can’t see things unless someone points them out. Which brings me to this. I am going to start back going to counseling. I need someone to reflect my thoughts and emotions back to me in a way that I can make progress. I really need to have some really good talk time about my son right now. It seems there are quite a few people around lately that are struggling to hold it together. 

The reason I like so many blogs and am constantly reading articles is because sometimes someone says something and I can see it in my life. I am starting to be able to notice my manic and depressed times. Thankfully, I think I probably have more manic periods. I have a couple good depressed times, usually about 6 weeks long. But it is starting to seem that I spend the rest of the year stable, manic, hypo manic. This is a seriously strange new train of thought and I am struggling to get a hold of it. It’s like it comes into focus and then it shatters and moves away again. It bothers me, a lot!! I mean if I’m going to have these thoughts that runs away, are crazy, and rule my life it would be nice if I didn’t have to work so hard to get them in focus. Aaannnyywwaaayyyy, getting to where I can start noticing those patterns. It helps me to feel like I have a small amount of control over my life. 

Meanwhile, I think I already told y’all I started Serequil. The dosage is now at 4 a nights, started at half a pill. I have been doing 4 for about a week now. Seems to work pretty good. I am sleeping somewhere between 5 and 7 hours most nights. I still wake up once or twice before and after the good sleep. But as of now I can live with that.  Also, I had 3 days off this week!!  You’re thinking why is that good. Well my husband is a disabled veteran. So I work part time for extra money and I am blessed to get to spend that extra time with my family. I also have 3 days off next week. I am so happy. I’m not sure it will last forever but I will take as many weeks as I can get. Lol

I guess I really didn’t have a point tonight except that we just have to keep going and keep living and learning. And through that we will be happy, healthy, Storng!!

Be blessed!!!


You know that one time…..

When you were going along just fine. You were on the precipice of having your regular schedule back at work after several months of working too much. You and your husband were getting along and not only that learning how to better work through disagreements and tough issues. You sister is having a baby in November(ya another baby to love on). Your daughter moved to town in February and you get to see her and her boys almost everyday. Your grandson says, “sure do” and you have to say “love you” back or he will keep saying it over and over. He is a precious gift. You started tanning again so maybe you can feel a little better about yourself. Then your son, your first born, tells someone that he is thinking about moving out and living with his Nena and Papa. I am officially thrown. I officially have a very tight hold on that last string that’s about to break. I want with everything that is in me to be mad at him, to make him stay, to tell my parents and the rest of my village that I will disown them if they help him. These are things that I WANT to do. I even told my family they couldn’t help him the day that I found out.

He’s 17 and will be a Senior in the fall. I want to keep him with me. I have been telling people for several months that I am in denial about him graduating. He’s my baby!! This wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and I don’t know how to behave if he is no longer in my house. I thought I had another year,I’m just not ready!!

Having said all of that I believe we do what’s right for our kids as well as ourselves. My son doesn’t really want to leave because he hates us. He’s just ready to be out and be a grown up. I don’t know how many people have an amazing village like I have but I know that, even when I hate it, I am blessed by and for having it. Most likely my son would go to stay with my parents. He would go to the same school, I can still go to his games and meets. And he can still come over once a week to eat with us and watch a TV show or movie. We really don’t want him to be unhappy. More importantly we don’t want him to end up leaving with all of us mad and then we lose the relationships we have. 

As for me…my heart is broken! Not because he may leave but because I love him so much! I had him a month after I turned 18 he has been there with me through everything always. He has a been a sweet, caring, and kind kid. He is growing into an amazing man and hopefully one day father of his own kids. I couldn’t be more proud of him. Of course he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. I actually haven’t really talked to him because I don’t want to come across as mad and I not want to be a crying baby either. I want him to know how proud I am and that it really is ok if he wants to move out. I will be ok, eventually. Right now I can’t even think about it, much less talk without tears streaming down my face and feeling like my heart will break. I wish I knew how to change it. How to make it better or easier somehow. I know there is probably isn’t an easier but I honestly have no idea how I am going to make it and keep going. Everytime I let myself reflect even for a moment my eyes tear up again. I have had to stop 3 times writing this because I couldn’t see through the tears. 

Being bipolar is only making this worse. It has to be. I can’t imagine every mother going through his intense feeling. If they do I have no idea how they made it. I don’t understand how you ever recover. Maybe you don’t. More than one in my life I have been so tired of being me. So tired of trying all the time. So tired of figuring out what the best thing would be. So tired of feeling things in a way that seems amplified and out of control.  So tired of feeling like I am watching myself be  a train wreck and having no ability to stop it. Actually I can stop the feelings, all I have to ignore them and go through life like a zombie. Who wants to do that? I have no desire to stick my head in the sand and pretend life isn’t going on around me. Hopefully time will allow this fear and sadness to lessen, as I’m sure I will always be a little sad. Hopefully we will be able to laugh and I will feel pride again instead of this sadness and fear. Please please hug your babies, spend time with them, even if it makes them mad. It is true that time flies!! It still feel like yesterday that he was a baby!!

Be blessed!!


Hope is lost……..and FOUND!!!

I truly believe I have the most amazing children on the planet. I am blessed not only to be their mother but to share their lives with them. My oldest daughter,Jessica, was 13 when we met. All spit fire and angry just like her Dad. All I wanted was for us to be a family together. But I quickly learned that that was easier said than done. She went back to live with her Mom about a year after we got married. From then until about 4 years ago she went in and out of our lives. Really it was no ones fault it was just the circumstances of everything. Through it all I loved and prayed for her all the time. She is one of my babies how could I not. We were talking when a divining moment happened in her young life when she was 17. It broke my heart to be two hours away from her and want to be there for her but not sure that I could or should. We have had talks about this event since and the depth of her caring not only for the other person involved but for their family and anyone else involved is amazing to me. People were not that nice to her. They didn’t protect her or take care of her the way they should have. I have vowed it will never be that way again. She will never walk through any part of life alone and scared again because my only concern is her and I will be there in a heartbeat. It’s coming up on the 9 year anniversary of this event and as with every other year she is still dealing with the aftermath. She wanted to help someone, to save someone, to change even one life. She holds my heart and she always will. I am so proud of her strength and dignity. I’m so proud that she allows me to be a part  of her life and that of her boys. I’m thankful that I get to sit on the porch and talk with her or make plans and spend time just us. We have plans to get a semi colon tattoo together. We are each getting it a little different but we are going together. How many Moms get to say they get to do that with their daughters?? Anyway, she posted the following last night and it’s just too beautiful not to share. 
Losing someone hurts. Losing someone to suicide hurts more. The unanswered questions, the what ifs and could I have done more. It changes a person forever and it breaks part of you that never heals. Everyone has struggles, everyone has bad days and sometimes people just have a crappy life and don’t know how to change it. I believe everyone has a purpose in life whether it’s a new born baby passing away, a child, teenager, adults and elders. You may not understand it then, but maybe that person was here to save someone or open their eyes to do big things and be an advocate for something. You never know how someone’s day is, you don’t know if what you say to them is going to make or break them. Be kind, you could be that smiling face that changes their mind on ending their life. 

Suicide isn’t selfish. It took me a long time to be able to say that and believe it. People that come to that point most of the time have bigger problems than you could even imagine and they just don’t know how to process them or ask for help. If they ask for help someone will make fun of them or tell them to man up or blow it off. Sometimes they don’t necessarily mean for it to work and it’s a cry for help. I can say that now because you won’t convince me that an 8,9, or 10 year old really process what forever means when they attempt it. There are really ones that young trying it! It hurts. It hurts to see and hear that and feel so helpless. 

I couldn’t help. I tried, I did all the things I knew to do and it was still too late. Parents lost a son, a girl lost her brother, a beautiful baby lost her dad, and some guys and girls lost a great friend! I live with regret every single day. I was 17 years old, still a kid. It broke me, I went through a really rough patch after that and didn’t know if I’d come through it and honestly part of me didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel the hurt anymore. I was tired of carrying that pain. It was a small town, I had supporters but I also had many that hated me. Everyone wants to blame someone, but you can’t. Even if someone reaches out to you for help and it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault. It’s a choice that was probably already made before you was contacted. 

Please be kind. Smile. Say hi. Pay it forward. Be a good person. Life is too short, everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Think about the last words you had with someone, if they weren’t here tomorrow, would you carry guilt? If so fix it, don’t live your life wondering.
That is what she wrote. The link below is to the song she sang with it. It’s beautiful! Just like she is!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!